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#10418 - 11/15/00 04:02 PM this just in from the UK!
tsuwm Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 04/03/00
Posts: 10523
Loc: this too shall pass
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.




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#10419 - 11/15/00 04:12 PM Re: this just in from the UK!
Max Quordlepleen Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 08/12/00
Posts: 3409
Thanks, tsuwm, that is the funniest of the several versions I have seen today. How would tsuwm cope with being forced to use "supererogatory" vowels?

As an historical curiosity, Rugby union was once an Olympic sport. The only nation ever to have won a gold medal in Rugby Union is the USA, in 1924.


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#10420 - 11/15/00 04:31 PM Re: this just in from the UK!
belMarduk Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 09/28/00
Posts: 2891
Priceless tsuwm. My jaw hurts from smiling. Can I copy and pass on to folks in my office? (with appropriate accreditation of course)


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#10421 - 11/15/00 08:04 PM Re: this just in from the UK!
AnnaStrophic Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 03/15/00
Posts: 6511
Loc: lower upstate New York
Thanks, tsuwm! I'm still laughing!


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#10422 - 11/15/00 10:00 PM To change or not to change?
Father Steve Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 09/06/00
Posts: 2788
Loc: Seattle, Washington, USA
Max calls this post one of "the several versions I have seen today." I've had the same experience. This is the fouth version I have seen in the past 48 hours. Some Internet forwards seem to pass from one user to another without much change at all. This one, in contrast, appears to prompt forwarders to edit, add, delete and otherwise toy with the text. What do you suppose distinguishes the apparently unalterable ones from the ones which invite dinking?


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#10423 - 11/15/00 10:26 PM Re: To change or not to change?
Max Quordlepleen Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 08/12/00
Posts: 3409
In reply to:

What do you suppose distinguishes the apparently unalterable ones from the ones which invite dinking?


Perhaps it has to with a perception of the intended recipients. The version tsuwm posted was several cuts above the others I read, its focus on language and the generally more intellectual bent making it much more appealing to me than the others. Perhaps the person who forwarded it to tsuwm perceived that modifying its content in such a manner would increase its impact. Or perhaps I'm a gibbering loon.



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#10424 - 11/15/00 10:40 PM The Proto-Version
Father Steve Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 09/06/00
Posts: 2788
Loc: Seattle, Washington, USA
Here is the first (and the shortest, and the simplest) version of this forward which I received:

----------

London, 8th November 2000

To the citizens of the United States of America,

Following your failure to elect a President of the USA to
govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a
monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
please comply with the following acts:

1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God save the Queen"
3. Start referring to "soccer" as football
4. Declare war on Quebec

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with
you shortly to ensure the acquisiton of all revenues due
(backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and...have a nice day!

----------

If I am correct that this version preceded the version whcih tsuwm posted, then Mad Max's suggestion of an edit toward literacy is well founded.


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#10425 - 11/15/00 10:42 PM Re: To change or not to change?
Father Steve Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 09/06/00
Posts: 2788
Loc: Seattle, Washington, USA
Or perhaps Max is a gibbering loon.





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#10426 - 11/15/00 11:03 PM Re: To change or not to change?
Marty Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 09/20/00
Posts: 347
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
from the ones which invite dinking?

Father Steve (but anyone else can reply),

You use the word dinking in your post with a meaning that is unfamiliar to me. Until a few minutes ago, for me the word 'dink' had only one meaning - a slang verb meaning to carry a passenger on a bicycle (push-bike, not motorbike) or a noun describing the same activity ("Can you give me a dink?"). I discovered to my surprise a plethora of meanings in online dictionaries, (noun, verb and adjective, slang and non-slang) including dinghy, drop shot, rival gang member, trim/neat, to deck, dodgy, penis, Dual-Income-No-Kids acronym, and possibly more, but none which seem to fit your context.

So my questions are:

1. Are you familiar with the bicycle-ride dink? (I'm wondering how widespread that slang usage is).

2. Can you comment on your usage (presumably meaning to alter) and its origin?


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#10427 - 11/15/00 11:18 PM Re: To change or not to change?
tsuwm Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 04/03/00
Posts: 10523
Loc: this too shall pass
In reply to:

Perhaps it has to with a perception of the intended recipients. The version tsuwm posted was several cuts above the others I read, its focus on language and the generally more intellectual bent making it much more appealing to me than the others. Perhaps the person who forwarded it to tsuwm perceived that modifying its content in such a manner would increase its impact. Or perhaps I'm a gibbering loon.


max, you may be on to something; here is the preface to the email I received:

"Seldom do I receive forwarded emails with content of a highbrow enough nature to forward to you."

...or maybe you're just *on something.




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