Ladies and gentlemen! Racing continues here at Ad-Nausem Muttville Frowns.

AND THEIR OFF....Semi Colon takes an early lead; Hyphen and EM are close behind in second. Comma, Period, Quotation and... WHOA NELLY! Exclamation wipes out in the first turn! I see broken bones and blood....Ellipsis and Question swing wide... falling back. They appear madder-n-hell with each other.

ONNNN, the far-side now and bunch-up like a slew of English twits. EM—first time ever on this track—still neck-n-neck with Hyphen. Semi Colon looks backs; arrogant prick trips Quotation and gives the pack "the finger." Not the first time Semi Colon has done this; that testosterone is outa control, "if you know what I mean."

GOING INTO the third turn and....WHAT THE HELL? Ellipsis and Question have stopped. muzzles are off... fur is flying... the horror... absolute horror...

AND! The final turn—thank God! Ladies and gentlemen, I haven't announce a race this drunk since... well... since last time I was drunk. HOLY SHEIT! Semi Colon has left the track; the prize stud is after a French Poodle with one sexy hair-cut. Serves her right... showing-up... looking that way.

COMING DOWN the straight-a-way. EM and Hyphen are neck-n-neck! EM! HYPHEN! HYPHEN! EM! GONNA BE A PHOTO FIN-WHOAAAAA! HEY! Sheit-for-brains! You pour beer on me...? YEAH! CAVE WOMAN, I'M TALKING TO YOU!

WHAT NOW? The pervert with the camera took off to film Semi Colon and his new love. Rednecks holding bet slips are pouring outa the stands like World War Z!

SOMEBODY CALL 911! HELP ME JESUS! Get this knuckle-dragging creature off-a me before I haff to puke in self-defense!

I gotta go cut the grass.