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If fire hydrants have H2O on the inside, what do they have on the outside?
K9P
Oh, Branshea: if people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
(Sorry--that was from one of those pass-around e-mails.)
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old hand
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A couple of oldies but goodies:
What is a fly with no wings called? A walk!
A fly with no wings or legs? A raisin!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!
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where do you find a dog with no legs?
----------------------------------------
Right were you left him.
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Quote:
K9P
Oh, Branshea: if people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
 Because , Jackie you have to take a close look at the the l's
We would be called Holls or Holles and that about the hole in the dike is just another story.
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But then here's one to add.
Hollanders (Dutchmen) and Belgians have a long tradition of jokes between them. The Dutch are about thriftiness, the Belgian about dumbness. As both categories exist worldwide this one might be known already:
An angry Belgian steps into the shop where he bought a chainsaw the other week.
" Fine saw you sold me last week " , he says furiously, "It took me all weekend to saw one single tree "
"Well" . the salesman says: "Lets have a look."
He starts the chainsaw on which the Belgian gives him a queer look and asks: "Hey! what's that sound? "
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the dutch have a reputation for 'thriftness' that extends to cheap--there are seveal idions in english that testify to this. the most famous one being "Dutch Treat" ((there is no 'treat', you get to pay for yourself!) --variation include 'going dutch' --and Poles occupy the 'not to smart' ethnic group (they share it with blondes)--but other groups have other stereotypes.
before the 1850's or so, most police departments, (or what ever civil authority there was) had "black Marias" wagons to to round up 'ladies of the night', and other criminals.
but after the irish immigrated, these became, almost universally, "paddy wagon's" --since they were put to use picking up "paddy's (drunk irishmen)
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one of my favorite set of jokes is the lightbulb series, since it gets around to insulting every ethnic group eventualy..
i know 'light bulb jokes (How many X does it take to screw in a light bulb?") that insult blondes, poles, WASP's, NYer's, jewish mothers, shrinks, programmers, Micro-soft, californians, just to name a few!
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Howye fokes! How is things?
And how many Troys does it take fer ta change a light bulb?
None - cos she loves ta keep ya in the dark.
Will ya spill the beans please, Missus - us Teds is just gaspen fer a few joaks here fer sure.
Be seein ya (if ya puts the lights back on, that is)
GT
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So Ted, do you know the difference between a pregnant girlfriend and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
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Quote:
So Ted, do you know the difference between a pregnant girlfriend and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
You can unscrew the lightbulb, right?
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Here's some a Belgian counterjokes: Why do the Dutch horizontal stripes on their flag in stead of vertical? (Belgian flag has veritcals) Because they can use it up all down to the flagpole. Why do the Dutch have such big nostrils? Because air is free. There is no enmity between the Dutch and the Belgians about this. We share the fun like good neighbours and they are not seen as ethnical jokes. We have no jokes about the French, some on German, no English or other Europe country jokes. And often enough we treat our Belgian neighbours (Helen  )on a whole bag of totally free , gratis French fries . With Mayonnaise!
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how many X's does it take to change/screw in a light bulb?
Ans. Y--(explaination.)
--------------------------------------------------
1- the classic, X=Poles--Y=4, 1 to hold the bulb, 3 turn the ladder
2--X=californian? Y=3, 1 to change the bulb, 1 to file environmental impact statement, and 1 to share the experience
3-WASP's? (white, anglo-saxon protestants)2-- 1 to mix martini's, 1 to call electrician
4-shrink's? (psychiatrist(sp?)1--but the light bulb really has to want to change.
5-Programmers? 0, (it's a hard ware problem, man call a techie)
6--MicroSoft programers? 0, Darkness is a new feature
7-Jewish Mothers? 0 again! (oy, i'll just sit here in the dark, you shouldn't worry yourself about me or the lightbulb)
8-NYers (NYC'ers really) ?? Who the f*** wants to know?(said with attitude)
9--Flys? 2 --the hard part is getting them INTO the lightbulb.
10 Blonde models? (alterately jewish princess) 1, she just stands there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
there are lots of others, these are the ones i remember..
(others can share, too.)
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Quote:
how many X's does it take to change/screw in a light bulb?
Ans. Y--(explaination.)
--------------------------------------------------
2--X=californian? Y=3, 1 to change the bulb, 1 to file environmental impact statement, and 1 to share the experience
No, that's not how it goes.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
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Two I came up with myself:
How many potters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to hold the lightbulb and one to kick the wheel.
How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven - one to hold the lightbulb and ten to sit on a Royal Commission to decide which way it should turn.
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Quote:
How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven - one to hold the lightbulb and ten to sit on a Royal Commission to decide which way it should turn.
Here's another B-D joke
A Belgian is on holiday in Ireland. During a walk he meets a shepherd with a large flock of sheep. The Belgian asks : "If I can guess how many sheep you flock counts , can I have one?
"Allright" the shepherd says on which the Belgian immediately answers: " 176 ". " That's exactly right " says the shepherd astonished. The Belgian thanks the man, chooses a nice specimen and walks off with the animal over his shoulders. " Hey!Wait a minute !" the shepherd runs after him and says : " If I can guess what country you're from , can I have my dog back?"
Last edited by BranShea; 02/17/07 06:38 AM.
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Howye fokes
How many Teds does it take fer ta change a lightbulb?
None, cos we care about the envirmint and have gone back ta candles.
Be seein ya
GT
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gone back to candles? BURNING? releasing Carbon? adding to the C02 overload and global warming! tsk, tsk!
(tongue in cheed emoticon here)
-------------------------------------------
i remember reading that in canada, Newfoundlanders, (Newfie's) were the but of most canadian jokes.
the one i remember:
Did you hear about the Newfie who got made a Canadian Rail, and to get even with them, he bought a round trip ticket, but only used one way?
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Oh i just saw this (a signature on a BB)and laughed out loud.
"They aleady have a soda like that. It's called Soylent Cola."
"How is it?"
"Eh, varies from person to person."
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Via my son and some friends: how many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? "Oooh, shiny!"
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Why does , whoever the dummy may be , take a stone and a flashlight to bed? The first he needs to put the light out and with the second he makes sure that it is really out. 
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Quote:
Why does , whoever the dummy may be , take a stone and a flashlight to bed?
The first he needs to put the light out and with the second he makes sure that it is really out.
A Sault Star columnist, Fred Loader, tells these jokes about "Fredloadians".
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A Sault Star columnist, Fred Loader, tells these jokes about "Fredloadians".
Could you shed some more light on this information? Elisabeth? like with an example f.i.? If possible?
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fresian (the fresian language is the closed to english--it is possible to compose sentances in fresian that could pass for english) are the butt of belgium jokes...(or so said the NYTimes some years ago)
Why do fresians were bandage on their faces on Monday?
Sunday is their day to eat with knives and Forks.
(but i saw that same joke applied to Newfies a few years later)
Last edited by of troy; 02/18/07 03:19 PM.
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Ha ha, Helen , that one is an allround running one. multi appliable. Frisian has Engilsh words but I don't know the language, as they claim it is a seperate language, And many words in Frisian are also similar to Swedish and Danish like barn for child. The Belgian- Frisian connection I don't see. They are up in the far!!! north ( all of the midget country being mayby 400 miles in the vertical stretch)Nee,(nay) they might share jokes with Germany , but I doubt that.
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bairn is also a rarely used (except in scotland where it is not uncommon) word for child in english too. well scot's english-- it's said like bear n (bear the animal with an N at the end) just as trap is used in NYC area--in a very limited way, (and its been seen on Engrish.com, in japan!) for steps/stairs. the palisades (west side of hudson river) are full of 'trap rock' (basalt that cooled into a step/stair like formation (see "devils stair case" northern ireland for a classic formation of basalt.) i learned as a child that 'traps' were steps(stairs).
--stoops (for exterior set of stairs on a house) is another dutch word that is very common. (use has extended beyond NYC) but there is no joking about this!
Last edited by of troy; 02/18/07 04:14 PM.
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Quote:
-- stoops (for exterior set of stairs on a house) is another dutch word that is very common. (use has extended beyond NYC) but there is no joking about this!
Way beyond, Helen.
Back a couple of years ago when I was in school in Dixie there was a girl named Carolyn Screws...no! That was another girl!...anyway, there was a girl at school named Carolyn Porch. So we silly boys ran around snickering and chanted, "Porch is a stoop!.
She wasn't. She was a prettty girl and we were just trying to get her attention. We Dixie boys had a way with women. 
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Natuurlijk! Silly stupid boys stooping (fig.) over a yet pretty girl named Porch. (Well... it is an inviting name I must admit) Silly boys are as world wide spread as silly jokes.  But yes,Helen, trap is unaltered Dutch and stoop is changed from stoep. (phonetically alike) Come to think of it.Why are Dutch people called Dutch? Nothing to do with Holland or the Netherlands. From Ditch maybe? We have millions of them large and narrow.Water water everywhere.From Duits? Yes . I remember it was Diets (pr. Deets ) in middle Dutch .Something to do with Germany after all. I guess zmjhezd would know but would he visit silly threads like this?
Last edited by BranShea; 02/19/07 06:26 AM.
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whaddabout
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb.
One for the trekkies:
Q: How many vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, anymore would be illogical.
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Quote:
whaddabout
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb.
This is the *** lightbulb joke, Olly!
The voting hasn't yet been completed but it's a nice one!
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Quote:
A Sault Star columnist, Fred Loader, tells these jokes about "Fredloadians".
Could you shed some more light on this information? Elisabeth? like with an example f.i.? If possible?
You know - like the Fredloadian who thought Don Mills was the mayor of Scarborough. (That's a Canadian joke - Don Mills and Scarborough are both boroughs of Toronto.)
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Yes, Elisabeth , now the ugly truth must come out. I haven't the slightest idea what a Fredloadian is :  Right.I can look it up.I will. Here's a parrot joke , maybe also a long time international runner.A man buys a parrot to have some conversational company. The pet shop man assures him this one' s real talker. Back home that proves to be true, only all he does is cursing. The man tries to get decent words from him but he just goes on. So the man gets angry and says: "One more curse and I' ll put you in the fridge." "Damn ye dude", says the parrot. So the man puts him in the icebox . After sufficient minutes he takes out the stiffenig bird and asks " And? Are we done with the cursing now?" "Allright.....Allright" , the bird answers with a thin shivering voice : "But tell me, what has the turkey ever done to you?"
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Speaking of parrots...
A man purchases a rare bird from an Exotic Pet Store. The store owner assures the man that this bird is intelligent and easy to care for. But, one very important caution. The upper beak grows very quickly and must be filed down on a regular basis. Failure to do this with sufficient frequency will leave the bird unable to eat and it will die.
Several weeks later the man returns to the shop asking for another bird. Frightened the shop owner gasps, "You didn't forget to file the bird's beak, did you?"
"No", the man replies. "I did as you instructed; filed the top beak."
"Funny thing though, when I took the bird out of the vise he was dead!"
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The columnist's name is Fred Loader . When he wants to tell a joke that pokes fun at a particular group, instead of using a real group (Newfies, Dutch etc) he uses the made up Fredloadian , taken from his own name.
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Why do I keep trying to read that as "Fredonian"?
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Thanks Elisabeth, at last got there . Now it all makes sense Gee ParkinT , that's a real cruel one. I almost feel sorry that I laughed so loud. I already was worried over how many minutes I could give the parrot in the icebox to get him cold , but still alive. Yours was killed flat.
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Quote:
Yours was killed flat.
Yes. In Monty Python style!
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My favorite story goes like this:
A man and woman were on their way to get married. Along the way they were involved in a fatal automobile accident. So, they find themselves at The Pearly Gates face-to-face with Saint Peter, welcoming them in to heaven.
The woman, distraught, explains to St. Peter that they were about to be joined eternally in matrimony and deprived that joy. She asks if anything can be done. Saint Peter quickly calms her by stating that he can have a Minister of their choosing on a moment's notice.
The man, taking Saint Peter aside, expresses his reservation about marriage; eternity seems like quite a long time. He explains that on earth there is such a thing as a divorce; just in case things don't work out. "Can I have the same reassurance here?", he asks.
Thinking for quite a long time, Saint Peter explains, "We have plenty of Priests and Rabbis but NOT ONE LAWYER HAS BEEN UP HERE YET!"
"I am certain there is too much certainty in the world" -Michael Crichton
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Quote:
Why do I keep trying to read that as "Fredonian"?
For the same reason I do.
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More Marxist, if you ask me.
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old hand
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Nothing to do with the guy who tried to claim Texas?
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Baptize this upgraded board with a good lame bad stupid joke: Q. What is green, has six legs and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree onto your head? A. A pool table 
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TEd
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Again I declare , they undervalue your pun-possibilities. It took me a few hours to get it. (those smilies are just good enough to serve as colour elements. 
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chalk it up to TEd, if there's a pun to be had, he'll find it.
formerly known as etaoin...
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All I need is a good cue and I can come up with a masse of 'em. You can take that to the bank (unless you'd rather rail about it.)
TEd
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Ladies and Gentlemen I think we got... Troubles. Right here River City. I mean troubles, With a capital T that rhymes with P That stands for pun. Seven ball, two bank, right corner pocket.  http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/themusicman/yagottrouble.htm
Last edited by themilum; 03/04/07 02:05 AM.
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WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind, Knows the answer to "What's behind......?" I pray that this man will love me no end, And always be my very best friend. MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and who cares... Yeh, I got this one sent , I post it slightly altered. There's something I like about it.  
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formerly known as etaoin...
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I've been wracking my brains, but it seems that all the good pool puns have been taken 
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Sorry Pennyless, I guess you're sunk, or at least behind the 8 ball.
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Take your cue from Zed. Thems the breaks.
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