But my Italian has never progressed much beyond "spaghetti", "ravioli" and other grastronomic terms, so I'd appreciate it if you'd translate it into English!

Here you go...

The ex portantino of an English hospital, cinquantaduenne, participates today occasionally in film of science fiction of serious Zs and to telefilm. You/he/she has had a small I rotate (as watch of the body of Hotblack Desiato) in the television reduction of the Guide Galattica for the Hitchhikers.

No further comment required, surely...