Wordsmith.org: the magic of words

Wordsmith Talk

About Us | What's New | Search | Site Map | Contact Us  

Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#99050 - 03/20/03 02:04 AM A Python Parallel  
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 866
stales Offline
old hand
stales  Offline
old hand

Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 866
Perth, Western Australia
Apologies if you've seen this before, but I only got it this morning and wanted to share it. (Couldn't find it when I searched so don't think it's been posted here before...)

A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones (yes, of Monty Python).

Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.

I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.

It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street."


stales


#99051 - 03/20/03 05:08 AM Re: A Python Parallel  
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 555
maahey Offline
addict
maahey  Offline
addict

Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 555
Thank you, Stales


#99052 - 03/20/03 09:07 AM Re: A Python Parallel  
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,624
Capfka Offline
Pooh-Bah
Capfka  Offline
Pooh-Bah

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,624
Utter Placebo, Planet Reebok
It's quite genuine but, as you pointed out Rog, it's been seen before. Worth another trot around the block, though.

- Pfranz

#99053 - 03/20/03 10:17 AM Re: A Python Parallel  
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 7,210
Buffalo Shrdlu Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Buffalo Shrdlu  Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 7,210
Vermont
the sad thing is how true it is...



not in my name



formerly known as etaoin...
#99054 - 03/23/03 09:23 PM Re: A Python Parallel  
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
belMarduk Offline
Carpal Tunnel
belMarduk  Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
Thanks stales. I hadn't seen it. Says it all, really.



Moderated by  Jackie 

Forum Statistics
Forums16
Topics13,877
Posts223,472
Members9,000
Most Online3,341
Dec 9th, 2011
Newest Members
Hiteshi, JaneJane, Baldilocks, BookVenturePress, fraidknot
9000 Registered Users
Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 54 guests, and 3 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Top Posters(30 Days)
Top Posters(All Time)
wwh 13,858
Faldage 13,803
Jackie 11,613
tsuwm 10,538
LukeJavan8 8,841
AnnaStrophic 6,511
Wordwind 6,296
of troy 5,400
Disclaimer: Wordsmith.org is not responsible for views expressed on this site. Use of this forum is at your own risk and liability - you agree to hold Wordsmith.org and its associates harmless as a condition of using it.

Home | Today's Word | Yesterday's Word | Subscribe | FAQ | Archives | Search | Feedback
Wordsmith Talk | Wordsmith Chat

© 1994-2017 Wordsmith

Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0
Page Time: 0.014s Queries: 13 (0.003s) Memory: 2.6780 MB (Peak: 2.7742 MB) Zlib disabled. Server Time: 2017-04-24 17:18:25 UTC