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Carpal Tunnel
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I've never been able to see what's actually wrong with "It was a dark and stormy night." myself, but be that as it may, here, copied from another board I frequent, are this year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton prize for worst opening sentence of a novel:
| >
| > 10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to
| > break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
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| > 9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
| >
| > 8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a
| > tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair,
| deep
| > azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that
| vied
| for
| > competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
| defied
| > description."
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| > 7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
| > crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre
| creep.'"
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| > 6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
| narcissism,
| was
| > about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon
| > to become the woman he loved."
| >
| > 5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
| from
| > eeking out a living at a local pet store."
| >
| > 4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
| penguins
| > often do."
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| > 3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese,
| > the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
| >
| > 2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
| > meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of
| danger
| and
| > spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal
| tendencies."
| >
| > AND THE WINNER IS...
| >
| > 1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept
| > along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the
| castle
| > window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown
| asunder,
| > gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside
| her,
| > disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,
| 'You
| > lied!'"
Bingley
Bingley
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Carpal Tunnel
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Yes, Bingley. Those do make Bulwer-Lytton look good. I think jealousy is principal reason
for dissing him.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I think jealousy is principal reason for dissing [Bulwer-Lytton].
You are as impervious as an araphorostic shoe.
-Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer, _Pelham, or The Adventures of a Gentleman_ (1828)
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Gotta rise outa you, didn't I?
"Anaphorostic" sounds like a coinage for a waterproof shoe,etc.
But for "phoros" only meaning I could find was:
1.tribute, esp. the annual tax levied upon houses,
lands, and persons
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Carpal Tunnel
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uhnh. ( Replying only by monosyllables to the gay bavardage of the Knight. - Lytton, _Rienzi_ )
araphorostic - unsewn, seamless
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Carpal Tunnel
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Meanwhile, although I'm glad you reminded us that it's that time again!, Bingley, I have to say I'm pretty disappointed by these. They seem so silly and not at all in the great Bulwer-Lytton spirit. They are merely joke-ettes, puns, unto themselves.
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old hand
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old hand
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>They are merely joke-ettes, puns, unto themselves Yeah, I kept wondering whether or not a novel would, or could follow these oneliners, and if so, whether anyone might actually read them. Perhaps the judges were getting confused between the 'wittiest' and the 'worst' - I mean you gotta ask yourself, how does one get elected to judge such a competition anyway? Regardless of the individual artistic motivation of each author though  , I think they're a pretty funny dumb laugh.
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Pooh-Bah
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In reply to:
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
This sounds more like a Tom Swifty to me.
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Carpal Tunnel
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old hand
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I have to say I'm pretty disappointed by these. They seem so silly and not at all in the great Bulwer-Lytton spirit. They are merely joke-ettes, puns, unto themselves. The last one sounds familiar, but I don't think the rest are authentically from the contest. For one, they're too short. For two, this was obviously from an e-mail, most likely and erroneous joke one at that. For three, the contest always has a ton of different categories, lot just a simple list like that. And for four, the official website for the contest: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/ doesn't have anything for 2003 yet.
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Carpal Tunnel
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OP
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It's been 20 years or more, but I have read Bulwer-Lytton's "Vril, the Power of the Coming Race" It's an early science fiction novel, and yes it was a bit heavy going in places, but certainly wasn't the worst book I've ever read. Vril was his name for a mysterious energy source used by an advanced civilisation in the book. The book was very popular, and the word vril was taken over by occultists for various occult energies, and finally adopted for a new energy-giving beef drink, that many of us know and love under the name Bovril.
Bingley
Bingley
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YARL: Yet Another Rehashed...Link?
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