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Joined: Mar 2000
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Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
Some old, some new, all borrowed, none blue:
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a
rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man
who fasted regularly. Some may not realize that fasting,
when practiced regularly and for extended periods, leads
not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader
hardly ever wore shoes. One might say he was ... a
super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Alternately, "Because the boss told me, 'You'll have to pull your own chess nuts out of the foyer.'"
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
old England epitaph:
Here lies Thomas North, of the parish of Southwell,
A carrier who carried his can to his mouth well.
He carried so much, and he carried so fast,
He could carry no more, and was carried at last.
For the liquor he drank, being too much for one,
He could not carry off, so he's now carrion.
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 131
member
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Posts: 131 |
I'm not sure this really fits in, but it's kind of cute.
A koala goes into a restaurant and orders dinner. The waiter brings the food, the koala eats it, pulls out a gun and fires at the waiter then exits the restaurant.
Later, after being arrested, the police ask the koala why he did it. The koala simply handed the police a dictionary.
Under the word 'koala' it read 'eats shoots and leaves'.
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 131
member
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member
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Posts: 131 |
How many posts does it take to lose the 'stranger' stigma?
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 387
enthusiast
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enthusiast
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Posts: 387 |
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Posts: 1,773
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,773 |
How do you graduate from “Stranger”?There are different titles given, based on the number of posts. Here are the titles: Stranger (0), Newbie (25), Journeyman (50), Member (100) Enthusiast (200), Addict (400), Old Hand (700), Veteran (1200), Pooh Bah (1600) You can find a whole heap o' board information at http://wordsmith.org/board/showflat.pl?Cat=&Board=announcements&Number=17018or Max Q's wonderful site, http://homepages.paradise.net.nz/maxq
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Joined: Aug 2001
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Chemeng1992 asked: How many posts does it take to lose the 'stranger' stigma?
Hope you keep posting and graduate ASAP; I've loved your stuff to date. Besides, any Cubs fan (Faldage, take note) is no stranger as far as I'm concerned.
I'm pretty new too. Note to you seniors: stranger and newbie each felt like a "stigma" to me too. Not a good signal to send. Wouldn't you say there are no strangers and newbies here, but rather "visitors" and "apprentices"?
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
stranger and newbie each felt like a "stigma"Huh--just wait till you become an addict... 
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,773 |
I'm not so sure about "old hand" myself.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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