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stranger
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Any advices, especially about the language here as English would be very much appeciated.  Time to Say Goodbye--A Farewell ======================================================== Time to say goodbye, smiling, or weeping, slowly you pass me by, remember the first time we meet, in that time, some of you are raucous, some of you shy Time to say goodbye, in the air, your singing seems still lingering there, do you know, your laughters are the best songs, 'cause it comes from a pure voice and heart, and no bad guy dares to look into your eyes, and no one can tell you a lie. Time to say goodbye, But no cry Do you know everybody parted will meet again, we come from the same universe, Have a big rejoice, blossoming and prosperous, be deadly happy, before we reunite, returning everything when we die Time to say goodbye. Places that I've never seen or experienced with you. Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas, seas that exist no more, it's time to say goodbye. Time to Say Goodbye, Do you know you have a pair of invisible wings, That you can fly, That you can touch the sky, To the stars high up there in the night, gentlely say your hi.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2008
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It's a little hard when you are writing poetry.
Do you mean things as "poetic license" and intend them
that way, or have you made a mistake?
Gentlely is Gently, but did you want 3 syllables?, for instance.
Third stanza: "No cry" - no crying? do not cry? etc.
Last edited by LukeJavan8; 07/18/10 03:40 PM.
----please, draw me a sheep----
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old hand
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old hand
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Well this is what I've learnt/read: They say write in images - visuals. You have different visuals there - you could perhaps hang on to one visual for longer - or not. Also they say to obfuscate your meaning a little "tell all the truth but tell it slant." Though I do not agree with this entirely. I like being hit by beautiful writing that I can understand. OTOH I do agree with "the fascination of what is difficult" even though it "has dried the sap out of my veins". The best way is to give it away, but not give it all, and to give in as beautiful a manner as you can. The most important thing is to follow your bliss. Don't do anything that 'they say' if it kills your bliss. If you feel good about your writing, if after keeping the poem in "deep freeze" for a while it does not get stale, you are doing something right! Keep writing. I hope this post does not appear didactic.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I hope this post does not appear didactic. Sounds like the voice of experience, to me.  It sure is good to see you here again, Sweetie!
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old hand
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old hand
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stranger
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OP
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Thanks Luke.
I think maybe "do not cry" is better grammatically.
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stranger
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stranger
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Thanks Avy for your helpful comments. "tell all the truth but tell it slant" means tell all the truth except the slant of the truth, or in other word, tell all the truth but don't append it with your objective, doesn't it? 
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Thanks Luke.
I think maybe "do not cry" is better grammatically.
Keep up the good work. And post often, we enjoy it.
----please, draw me a sheep----
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old hand
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old hand
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"tell all the truth but tell it slant" means tell all the truth except the slant of the truth, or in other word, tell all the truth but don't append it with your objective, doesn't it? Well it could mean that if you want it to (Hi humpty dumpty!). That line is from a Dickinson poem. I'll post the whole poem and you can use it, or not, to help you in your writing in any way that makes sense to you. Tell all the Truth but tell it slant -- Sucess in Circuit lies Too bright for our infirm Delight The Truth's superb surprise As Lightning to the children eased With explanation kind The truth must dazzle gradually Or every man be blind-- Eta: I typed this out from my book. Am I violating copyright? .... I just checked - no copyright violation.
Last edited by Avy; 07/29/10 02:17 AM.
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Aug 2002
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In poetry one is allowed to ignore grammar; you may add and subtract syllables to make the rhythm work or make up words if English does not have one you like.
If you have done this deliberately then ignore the following but if it is unfamiliarity with English rules then I hope this helps. (and I am really impressed by the thought of writing poetry in a foreign language.)
Time to say goodbye,
smiling, or weeping,
slowly you pass me by,
remember the first time we meet, (this reads as an order for a first meeting in the future. "we met" would be past tense)
in that time, some of you are raucous, some of you shy (present tense is often used in English to add power to a description of a past event)
Time to say goodbye,
in the air, your singing seems still lingering there,
do you know, your laughters are the best songs, (laughter like water is seldom pluralized unless you do it to emphasize that each individual's laughter has their own separate song. Possibly "your laughter makes the best songs" or "made" for past tense)
'cause it comes from a pure voice and heart,
and no bad guy dares to look into your eyes, and no one can tell you a lie.
Time to say goodbye,
But no cry (only if the speaker is Jamaican otherwise "don't cry")
Do you know everybody parted will meet again,
we come from the same universe,
Have a big rejoice, blossoming and prosperous, be deadly happy, (rejoice is a verb and I am not sure what to suggest. Maybe "a big rejoicing"?) (deadly happy is not a common English phrase and feels very dark, implying that the happiness could kill you. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the verse.
before we reunite, returning everything when we die
Please ignore anything that is not helpful.
PS I read "tell it slant" as don't be too straightforward; come at the truth from an angle so that it doesn't hit too quickly.
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