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of troy Offline OP
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There is the mad hatter, the march hare and me
Noteable crazy, in a way, are all three.
When with mad fever i burn
it's to limericks i turn
making merry with rhymes of two and three!

Distempered, so clearly in mind
Logic; still plainly you'll find.
In WordPlay and Fun
My fever will run
Elsewhere here, to a halt, it will grind!

It's tedious when crazy i go
Only sympathy i hope you will show.
i trust you'll be kind,
as i act the behind
and for yourself, to give a limerick a go!


#136851 01/05/05 12:30 PM
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Few could keep up with your pace
So I'm relieved it isn't a race
A little bosh
Is just the nosh
It takes so all can save face.

Great idea, Of Troy.



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i have a theory, that is for sure
about my madness; it's cause and it's cure
my snyopes explode
as my blood calcium load
become more than they can endure

in neuro-chemisty i hardly excell
but this reaction i know quite well
Its odd to chose
My mind to lose,
Or to let my bones go to hell!



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Your "synopes" are all ablaze
It leaves me in such a daze
To stay abreast
Would take more than my best
Don't slow down for me, just "Amaze!".


#136854 01/05/05 02:34 PM
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There was a young man from San Fran, [8]
Whose limericks just would not scan. [8]
When told this was so, [5]
He said, 'yes, I know; [5]
'But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.' [8x3]

(not real original, but apt)



#136855 01/05/05 03:48 PM
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There was a young man from San Fran, [8]
Whose limericks just would not scan. [8]
When told this was so, [5]
He said, 'yes, I know; [5]
But I'm doing the best that I can'. :)


#136856 01/05/05 03:52 PM
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Have you noticed how very demanding
Are critics so reprimanding
It makes me cry
To give it a try
While others are simply bystanding. :)


#136857 01/05/05 04:14 PM
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The key to a limerick’s heart:
Good rhythm and rhyme, for a start!
To raise it to art?
Relax, you old tart,
Or else we just won’t give a fart!



#136858 01/06/05 03:15 AM
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of troy Offline OP
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Are you part of the imperial WE?
Giving orders about what is to be?
I missed the chance
To look askance,
And must be content just to be me.

Victoria Rex, at her imperial best
Ruled an empire spanning east and west.
“WE are not amused.”
she’s accused
of uttering, in response to a jest.



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A A b b A to start
Rhyme is one crucial part
leavened a bit
with meter and wit
Total, better than any one part!

If the meter or rhyming is lame
Its clear the author's to blame
gringing an ax
or perceiving attacks
Shows you're not up for the game.

At a glance its simple to see
How to do it; what it must be
put pen to paper,
join in the caper
fun, wit, and a bit of repartee!


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Fun, wit, and, yes, repartee
I could not agree more with thee
Let's get with the program
And deep six the pogrom
So only our best Strangers see.





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On TV tonight I learned about errant A
The news: great new vowel shift is away
The new black is said block
So I should not mock
When in rhyme, gram and grom together do play

Still, It sounds all wrong to my ear.
Unnatural, awkward and queer.
poetry ? or rot?
A rhyme is not
Something to force, I think clear!



#136862 01/06/05 04:43 AM
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May rhyme and reason excel
And wit in the stories we tell
Let no-one squint
For linguistic lint
And may peace rain o'er us as well.


#136863 01/06/05 09:40 AM
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Moses and the Ten Commandments and the Nitpickers

Moses said...
"Written in stone, not written in sands
Bide you Ten Laws of Yahweh's good plans."


The Nitpickers said...
"Yahweh is smart,
But it ain't art.
Art is only art when it scans!"



#136864 01/06/05 10:11 AM
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Let's have a limerick for bosh
A dollop is only a nosh
If you say something wise
We will scrunch up our eyes
And your wit will end up kibosh.

Thanks to Dr. Bill for inspiring 'fix' for this limerix. :) ["tush" did not work with "bosh", hence "kibosh" which Dr. Bill came up with in "AWAD" thread.]

And why not a limerick for nark
An informer who creeps in the dark
You won't see him working
'Cause he's always lurking
Where his bite is worse than his bark.

And spookum would make a good limerick
But it ought to be clever, not chic
'Cause spookum is sage
And all of the rage
Like shopping the Net with a click.

And let's not forget chaparral
I have fallen under its spell
A cowboy rides
Like an eagle glides
Through a country where I wish to dwell.





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of troy Offline OP
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Unappreciated day in and day out
Unappreciated, I want to shout!
Hardly any replies,
What’s wrong with you guys?
You’d think as a Carpel, I had more clout!

Well, avoid me, if that’s what you will
And unappreciated, I remain still
I’m having a ball
Even if you all
At one limerick had your fill!

Are you up to the challenge, I ask?
Or is it too arduous a task
Post one or two
It’s something to do
Who’s creativity can we unmask?


Its obvious, I don’t really rate.
Your love or your envy or hate
No comments, no posts
No editors notes
Ah, to be unloved, is my fate!


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It isn't for love or for hate
Or even indifference, I state
That no-one is batting
While you are rat-tatting
Homeruns 'fore we reach the plate.

Amended with useful advice from Etaoin & Of Troy.


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batting - swatting?



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#136868 01/06/05 05:33 PM
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My joke has created confusion
And left of troy with some contusion :(
My earlier allusion
Was to tsuwm – the illusion
Of rules was the point of infusion!



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batting - swatting?

Thanks, etaoin. I substituted "belting" for "swatting" which may(?) work better.

BTW "OED in Limerick Form" [www.oedilf.com] has a "Workshop" where seasoned Limerick writers provide constructive advice on defects like the one you just pointed out. The idea is to improve the quality of submissions. Sometimes the volunteers actually suggest useful changes. One guy over at OEDILF.com has 670 limericks which have been approved for posting. Awesome!

BTW I always welcome helpful specific suggestions for improvement like yours. It's harder to respond to a general criticism which applies to all of my limericks without differentiation.

Of Troy has created a great thread here.

Keep knockin' em out of the park, Of Troy. You're the Queen of Swat. [That is meant as a compliment, I hope ya know. I'm sure everyone knows that Babe Ruth, also a NY'er, was "the King of Swat".]



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of troy Offline OP
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for some one who is always sprouting poesy(your word)
you could at least learn to rhyme.

batting and belting don't. nor do batting and swatting
or program and pogrom.

i agree my rhymes are not perfect, but if you want to improve the quality of submissions, start with charity, (to our poor ears)and remember charity begins at home!
maybe you should particapate in a workshop, and learn how to write a basic limerick.

meter is harder, (and i often fail-- with close butrarely ever perfect meter.) but get a clue!

Mav gave one set of directions, i gave another, (i have several more, from previous threads of limericks, (were i also dominated and posted on average, a 3:1 (of all other posters combined!))

but then i do like them.. (i have a complete collection of edward lears, and other..)and i don't see this a a competion. I don't join in hogwash (i don't really understand how it's played.. (and i have read the directions twice..) and i never can understand when its over, 1) what the correct defination is, and 2) why there are points.. (the points are about as useful as a tit on a bull) but I am, if not alone, a definate minority..

here in limerick land, i am in the minortiy too.. it doesn't really bother me (the laments about being hated and ignored are just for fun) and i know, eventually almost everyone will end up posting a limerick.

it's not a competition. there are no points for quantity, (but quality is always going to be judged--even if nothing is said!) its WRODPLAY AND FUN.

If you think its a competition, go right ahead and try to keep up with me.. (i don't care if you post a gazzillion.) if if they are all as poorly formed as most (if not most then a large part)of the ones you've posted, well its no competition..


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In times that are now long past,
With limericks, we all had a blast
Starting was slow
In the end tho,
The collection of them was quite vast!

At first they were really quite chaste
(As if we were all rather straight-laced)
First a blush
And then a gush
Of ribald ones appeared, post haste!

Now remember, this site is rated G
For children and others to see
The best case
For this place
Is one that has children asking “explain it to me?”




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well, I am one who has whinged about scansion (read: meter). should you brave Chris Strollin's world (OEDILF) you will encounter very strict requirements for meter. not even passing the rather basic gate of having equal numbers of syllables within the aabba pattern will suffice there (da-da-DUM).

http://www-b.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php?View=Meter

having read some fine examples of the art by the likes of Nash and Asimov, and having tried my hand at it and discovered the effort needed to approach something I'd want to make public...

here's something by Ogden Nash:

There once was a miser named Clarence
Who Simonized both of his parents;
"The initial expense,"
he remarked, "is immense,
But it saves on the wearance and tearance."

---

you may want to complain about the syllabification, but this is one of the tricky things. try saying it aloud:

there-ONCE-was a-MIS-er nam'd-CLAR-ence
who-SIM-on iz'd-BOTH-of his-PAR-ents;
"[the]* i-NI-tial ex-PENSE-,"
he re-MARK'd-, "is im-MENSE-,
but it-SAVES-on the-WEAR-ance and-TEAR-ance"

*acting, I gather, rather like a pickup note


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ok, it ain't perfect, but.
edit still working on it...

tis a lim'rick that often displays it,
and I find that they're usua'lly my fave'rit,
just a wee anacrusis,
and a bit of huh, who's this?
and you'll see where the pickup words do fit!


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If you think its a competition, go right ahead and try to keep up with me ...if if they are all as poorly formed as most (if not most then a large part) of the ones you've posted, well its no competition..

How gracious of you to say so, Of Troy.

P.S. I took your advice.

"belting" doesn't work any better than "swatting". So I substituted "rat-tatting". Hope you like it. Thanks for advice.




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There on the screen all shimmerous
a thread had gone all limerous.
I thought I'd join in
but my rhymes are a sin
so now I type all timorous.


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I’m told monkeys and typewriters might
Create limericks rather than fight ~
For the love of sweet ‘fike’,
This one’s just for you, Mike:
I’ve worked specially hard but it’s still not quite right! ;)



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I'm sorry I haven't been here.
It seems like it's been a full year!
Some things take priority -
In truth the majority -
But I'm back, as it doth appear.



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Two gentlemen wrote jolly limericks
From dusk on to dawn. Both were quite slick
With the right count and rhyme
That their sharp minds could find.
They cheered and they drank till straight-out sick.


*Note: 'rhyme' and 'find' aren't rhymes, but an instance of assonance, in which the vowel sounds are the same...an off-rhyme that I hope won't be too offensive here. Also, as indicated in tsuwm's link, I took the cue to use 'limerick,' technically three syllables, knowing that the astute readers of limericks here would allow 'lim-rick' to sound in their colossal brains. And what indulgences would be complete without that friendly line picker-upper, the anacrusis. Also, the last line twists my tongue.


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The action is picking up fast,
A fad, how long can is last?
As we pick up the pace,
Can we find us an ace,
Who’s efforts will leave aghast?



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There once was a racer named Petty,
the racetrack's unleashed bouncing betty.
He quipped to the fleet,
"When you cheat, cheat neat,
Or the racing officials will hit you with a fine that'll make your head swim and your youngun's go barefoot through five Daytonas."

(Sorry, of troy. The devil made me do it.)


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In reply to:

The action is picking up fast,
A fad, how long can is last?
As we pick up the pace,
Can we find us an ace,
Who’s efforts will leave aghast?


I believe that you meant the word 'whose';
In English I seldom do snooze -
Don't mean to critique,
It's rhyming I seek -
Just needed a topic to choose!



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In reply to...

The action is picking up fast,
A fad, how long can is last?
As we pick up the pace,
Can we find us an ace,
Who’s efforts will leave aghast?

_________________________________________ of troy.

I believe that you meant the word 'whose';
In English I seldom do snooze -
Don't mean to critique,
It's rhyming I seek -
Just needed a topic to choose!

________________________________________ aniami

Seldom? Then sometimes you snooze.
Could be your problem is booze.
Oh yes you amuse,
"Who's" is not "whose",
But where is the "us" in aghast?

__________________________________________milum

____ ____






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To themilum, in third person rather than second for the sake of rhyme.

To my poem he may be nonplussed;
His retort was quite true and quite just.
But I'd like to show 'im
That quite like this poem,
Aghast with "u-s" is... august!


#136884 01/07/05 04:25 AM
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of troy Offline OP
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My face it is covered with egg
A pardon I must humble beg
Not one error, but TWO
What’s a gal to do?
When rightfuly taken down a peg?

It's in the kitchen you'll me spy
with Flour, and lard and *Spry
a filling to make
innerards to bake
Dinner tonigh? First course, humble pie!

Spry is a brand of vegetabel shorting, like crisco



#136885 01/07/05 04:39 AM
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Hang on, friends, there's more!
Errors, yes errors galore!
"Is" isn't "it",
Which is as you have writ -
Errors summed: one less than four!

Meter's a little off but it's salvageable.


#136886 01/07/05 04:51 AM
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You might as well beat a dead horse
spelling errors are a matter of course
Better they are read
Not ignored, instead
(in trure, such errors create no remorse)



#136887 01/07/05 10:04 AM
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Take skookum, nark and bosh
Throw 'em all in a bowl with a nosh
Of fluttery peri.
"You'll love it, my dearie!"
Now that is a salad tosh.

"peri", today's Word of the Day, is pronounced PEER-ee. 1. A fairy in Persian mythology [per Anu]





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"peri", today's Word of the Day, is pronounced PEER-ee.

he said with a little winkle.



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You all are indeed quite prolific,
In fact I might dare say terrific.
Why must we waste time
To bicker 'bout rhyme?
Must we always be so scientific?

8-)

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Some poems receive praise only grudging.
Still others are praised despite fudging.
For better or worse
It isn't the verse
But the people who are doing the judging. :)


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Look at me, look at me, look at me!
I’m always mistreated, you’ll see
I whine and pout,
Stamp my feet, act out
And repeated shout, look at me.

Ignored: not feted or praised
My virtuousity should leave them dazed
Incredible, quick
Witty and slick.
How come the carpel’s aren’t phased?

Blue ribbons are mine to command
I should be lauded ” best in the land”
So where is the toast?
I deserve it, I boast
A ribbon, a parade and a band!



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My shoulders got tight 'cos I'm stressed.
These cutbacks they made me depressed.
Now I'm all aglow,
took a walk in the snow
I can float up o'er all the rest.



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Look at me, look at me, look at me!

I swear, Of Troy, this is, perhaps, your best limerick [say nothing of multiple limericks] yet, certainly the best that I have seen!

It does seem that I bring out the very best in you, however ironic that may seem to some.

If I can be the foil and the fuel of your talent, Of Troy, then I am grateful for the privilege. We are all the better for it.

Flay on, Of Troy.

I seem to be the crucible, if not the very chemistry, of your talent. And, perhaps, yours of mine.

Courage is not the only quality forged in extremis. Perhaps acuity of mind, and fiery focus too.

How many ingots have sprung from this spleen?

May your anger roil
Your hatred coil
To bring your talents
To a boil.






#136894 01/10/05 08:01 AM
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Producing a play is no sonnet
'Cause there are so many troops working on it.
When the lead blows his top
'Cause he's missing a prop
The director cries "Get a grip on it!"

Today's word of the day is "grip": "A general assistant on a movie set responsible for handling production equipment, such as setting up and moving camera dollies, lighting, etc." [per Anu]

I wonder who the "most essential" person in the movie-making business will be in tomorrow's AWAD?

It probably won't be the "superstar". Everyone already knows who the superstar is. Just ask the superstar:

"I'm the most essential person by far",
Said the "B" flick's male superstar.
"I don't say a bunch
I just shoot and punch
And smash up a brand new, hot car."

"Everyone knows that it's me",
Said the leading lady, coyly.
"My wardrobe is scant
My lines I just pant
And that's what the boys come to see."

New version for themilum's discerning taste:

"Everyone knows that it's me",
Said the leading lady, coyly.
"My wardrobe so sexy
Makes the star go all flexy
Thumpin' dudes to impress me, you see."








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I can't get that local Rhode Island town name out of my head when it comes to limericks, so I'll give you one that my son wrote for an English class when he was in 5th grade.

A rhino from Mozambique,
searched the wide world for a leek.
She had no success,
but you must confess,
Her diet was quite unique



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Ah so, Owlbow, I have insinuated myself into being the sole judge and jury of the limericks, doggerel, and poems, posted on this thread. Please tell your son his poem is in the top ten list of submissions by folks under age fifty.
Good luck!


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I'll give you one that my son wrote for an English class when he was in 5th grade.

You should get your son to post his limericks here, Owlbow. Before long [if not already] he will be showing the rest of us a rhyme or two.

Seriously, please tell him we loved his limerick, and we would welcome more. He has a talent for it.

With themilum as the chief judge of limericks around here, he can be certain he will always come out ahead of at least one limerick poster -- c'est moi. :)


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I shudder to say that it's true,
But I found my mistake on review:
When I wrote the word "rhyme" -
In fact at the time
I realize that "meter" was due.

TRANSLATION: I meant to say "meter" not "rhyme" but it didn't, in fact, rhyme.

8-)

#136899 01/10/05 03:58 PM
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I meant to say "meter" not "rhyme" but it didn't, in fact, rhyme.

But it *did* fit the meter. Meter didn't rhyme, rhyme did meter. Rhyme rhymed, meter didn't. There's a riddle in there somewhere.



#136900 01/10/05 04:42 PM
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Meter didn't rhyme, rhyme did meter. Rhyme rhymed, meter didn't. There's a riddle in there somewhere.

If her meter starts tripping the moment you meet her, your meter won't matter, nor will your rhyme.


#136901 01/11/05 05:26 AM
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A gaffer sets the lighting
To make the scene exciting
For lead and mate
To consummate
Their love in full moonlighting.

AWAD word today is "gaffer"
"The head of the electrical department responsible for the lighting setup on a movie or television set." [per Anu]





#136902 01/11/05 07:45 AM
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There once was a movie set staffer
Whose resumé no one sought after.
When he worked with the lights,
'Twas a horrible sight -
Shattered bulbs, broken glass - he's a gaffer.



I'm using the word gaffer to mean both the guy in charge of lights on a set, and also "one who gaffs", per the following definition:

gaffe also gaff, n:
1. A clumsy social error; a faux pas: “The excursion had in his eyes been a monstrous gaffe, a breach of sensibility and good taste” (Mary McCarthy).
2. A blatant mistake or misjudgment.
(dictionary.com)

So I took the liberty to create a secondary meaning of "gaffer", namely "one who makes blatant mistakes or misjudgments".


#136903 01/11/05 08:02 AM
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Gaffe/gaffer. A thing of beauty, AniamL.


#136904 01/11/05 08:07 AM
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Thank you, sir. It seems that all the Vergil reading over the last few years has instilled (or installed? interesting they should be synonyms) a sense of meter in me - I encourage anyone who studies Latin to read at least the first few books of the Aeneid. It's great fun.


#136905 01/11/05 08:34 AM
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I encourage anyone who studies Latin to read at least the first few books of the Aeneid. It's great fun.

O Muse! the causes and the crimes relate;
What goddess was provok'd, and whence her hate;
For what offense the Queen of Heav'n began
To persecute so brave, so just a man;
Involv'd his anxious life in endless cares,
Expos'd to wants, and hurried into wars!


The Aeneid, by Virgil [Vergil to those who read Latin], Written 19 B.C.E Translated by John Dryden from Book I

For more samples:
http://classics.mit.edu/Virgil/aeneid.1.i.html

Thanks for the recommendation. It's fun even in translation.

Which makes me wonder: How faithful is the translation to the original? And, if the translation is as meritorious as this one obviously is, what credit does the translator receive for his/her labors?

Some people think that Edward Fitzgerald eclipsed Omar in his translation of the "Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam".

I can't offer an opinion on either question as I can't read either Latin or Arabic. [Wish I could. Admire those who do.]

http://www.okonlife.com/





#136906 01/11/05 04:38 PM
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I have to confess, I am curious about tomorrow's essential person working on a movie set.

We've had "grip", and "gaffer", could it be "best boy"?*

Every movie set has a best boy
Who the gaffer will quickly deploy
To light the stage
Or discreetly engage
The siren as her boy toy.

P.S. Even if "best boy" isn't the word tomorrow, it gives me another shot at "gaffer" today. :)

Or, could it be the "cinematographer", I wonder?

The "cinematographer" is certainly the deserving subject of an AWAD -- and also of an ALAD:

A movie’s cinematographer
Is the story’s videobiographer.
He creates each scene
To fill the screen
To become a cinemaOscarographer.

* Yep. The AWAD for Day 3 is best boy:

best boy (best boi) noun
The first assistant to the gaffer (head electrician) of a film crew. [Apparently borrowed from the sailing terminology.] per Anu






#136907 01/12/05 06:51 PM
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I'm creating a new post in recognition of the most essential furniture involved in movie-making.

Essential to the rise of a star
If she really wants to go far
Is the casting couch
Where the producer will vouch
Her performance deserves an Oscar.

The "casting couch" will never be honored with an AWAD, but it will always play a seminal role behind the scenes.




#136908 01/12/05 06:53 PM
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This stage is Blacked-Out for Casting Interviews.
Regular auditions will resume tomorrow -- if the part isn't filled tonite. ;)

Actually, this post was the result of a glitch [same post repeated 2x in error]. Hmm. Perhaps white-out would be better than "Black-out". :)

#136909 01/13/05 11:27 AM
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OK, let's lighten things up a little bit with a new soundtrack. :)

When you need a sound that sounds real
To add "Varrump" to the reel
You call for a foley
And "Gosh! Holy Moley!"
It's a sound that sounds surreel!


#136910 01/13/05 12:24 PM
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How about a limerick for the most unessential, essential person involved in movie-making:
the critic.

Every movie has a critic. If there weren't any critics, there wouldn't be any reviews. And if there weren't any reviews, there wouldn't be many views.

So, you see, any kind of criticism is welcome criticism.

You could say a damning critic is their own worst enemy. :)

A "Smash!" isn't a "Smash!" without news
So a critic is our ticket to views.
If they love us, we love 'em
If they hate us, we love 'em
'Cause nothing succeeds like reviews.

"Smash" brings to mind the work of the "stuntman".

Let's hear it for the stuntman
Who'll risk life and limb if he can
Add a thrill, as the star
Reclines safely afar
Bloody make-up streaking his tan.


#136911 01/14/05 04:41 AM
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Today's AWAD is stuntman so I've got today's ALAD off 'cause I did "stuntman" yesterday.

So why not a little soft shoe?

I know I'm going to regret this because a poet is never supposed to poke fun at poets who poke fun at him. There's no rhyme or reason to it. I guess you could call it "poetic injustice", or maybe it's "poetic justice", depending on your point of view.

Besides, this is not an official ALAD. It's just an ALAD which has fallen off the beaten path. [And I know I'm going to take my usual beating for it anyway. But I hope not 'cause it's not supposed to be taken seriously. Seriously.]

There's always a critic tut-tuttering
Any limerick with a "sniff" "sniff" of smuttering.
If there's no whiff of smut
You're not out of the rut
You're just back to head butt rebuttering.

OK, I'm weak, but it's the end of the week. So scoff 'til you cough, it's my ALAD day off, and my rhyme is on my own time. :)

Come to think of it, I think I've got a stuntman limerick for today after all, and I think I'd better get it off my chest. That way I'll just get one beating for this dual post, not one now, and another one later. :)

There are hidden rewards for the stuntman
Who stands in for the leading man
He'll take every punch
He's always there in a crunch
He'll even double for an adorable fan.

BTW I'm kinda hoping that the theme for Anu's AWAD next week will be the most essential people in the healthcare industry. That way we could use some of the lessons we learned this week to warm up for next week. For instance:

You should always take your medicine
It will help to cleanse the sin
Of being so smutty
Or rutty or nutty
You belong in the "Weekly Themes" bin.




#136912 01/14/05 12:59 PM
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I want to write a limerick about "the beaten path".

I've got to tell you, this is the toughest house in the land to catch a break. You know what they say about New York: "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." Well, that lyricist never tried his luck at AWADtalk, that's for sure.

But, you know, some of the best mentors are the sternest task masters. It may feel like flogging when you're dogging or you're slogging, but these wordtaskers could be your best friends in disguise. Does that come as a surprise? It did to me.

And who are the sternest taskmasters of all, if not our enemies, who want us not to succeed, but to fail. Our friends accept us as we are. But our enemies demand of us more than we are.

So that's why I am indebted to all my friends at AWADtalk. But, most of all, I am indebted to my enemies. My friends I love. My enemies I salute.

The beaten path can beat you up, or beat you down. But it can never beat you out.

The well worn path to success
Is not the path you might guess
It isn't the wear
That will lead you there
It's the wear you surmount in distress.





#136913 01/15/05 03:05 PM
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"So that's why I am indebted to all my friends at AWADtalk. But, most of all, I am indebted to my enemies.

Well maybeso Plutarch, but as the self-annoited judge of the poems posted here you might best learn to suck up to your friends as well as your so-called enemies. Thus far I have found your poems tainted with suppressed spite and self-righteous indignation. Perhaps if you would spread some of that compassion that you feel for your detractors towards me who judges, you might flatter the me into seeing your scant doggerel in a more favorable light.

And perhaps if you had condescended and flattered your enemies they would be your friends today.

But I doubt it.


#136914 01/15/05 04:42 PM
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Perhaps if you would spread some of that compassion that you feel for your detractors towards me who judges

You have me on the horns of a dilemma, themilum.

If I flatter you, however deserving the praise, there will be those who see you, as "the self-annointed judge", as amenable to flattery, which, of course, you are not.

And, if I accede not to your valued advice by acclaiming not your talents and your virtues, then you will judge me recalcitrant and animated by the negative emotions you have already perceived in my limericks, so that even if I should labor to extirpate from my rhyme any trace of angst, you will judge my output still tainted by ignoble pride, and your judging of my rhyme will be the harsher for it.

But I find myself in no such quandry in accepting your prudent advice that I "condescend" and "flatter" my enemies.

I acknowledge the merits of my 'enemies', themilum, but it is not with "condescension" that I do so, but with alacrity and joyfulness for the gifts they share with us, nor is it with "flattery" that I acknowledge them, but, instead, with sincerity and gratitude.

How I might feel personally about my 'enemies', themilum, has absolutely nothing to do with their wordsmithing or poems or intellectual insights or scholarship or meditations on high principles, so long as that flowering of mind is not befouled by some unprovoked invective or innuendo or injustice directed against me personally, or against anyone else.

For what does the pure essence of a sound have to do with the instrument which gave vent to it, if one is attentive only to the sound itself?

Besides, themilum, my 'enemies" are my 'enemies' in single quotes only. They are only my 'enemies' because they judge me their enemy.

I have no enemies here, themilum. And I am indebted, as I have said, to those who have denounced me as their enemy for they have given me extraordinary cause and ambition to improve myself.

And for that, I salute them.

I can't "defeat" my 'enemies', themilum. Why would I even want to? Like sand in an oyster, they can only bring out the best in me, in every sense of that term.

In any case, they have ever bit as much right to post here peacefully and peaceably as I do -- as you do, as we all do. :)


#136915 01/15/05 09:09 PM
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And perhaps if you had condescended and flattered your enemies they would be your friends today.

Keep your friends clothed and use your enemy's clothier?

*********

And, if I accede not to your valued advice by acclaiming not your talents and your virtues, then you will judge me recalcitrant and animated by the negative emotions you have already perceived in my limericks, so that even if I should labor to extirpate from my rhyme any trace of angst, you will judge my output still tainted by ignoble pride, and your judging of my rhyme will be the harsher for it.

- and -

...so long as that flowering of mind is not befouled by some unprovoked invective or innuendo or injustice directed against me personally, or against anyone else.


Not to be hyper-critical (or anything similar) but these two statements, even as they bounce off one another, carry the weight of an 'ell-uv-a-lot-a assumptions.

********

I have no enemies here, themilum.

Given this to be true, doncha think the subject would be better served approached in the place where *they are?

Just a thought.


#136916 01/15/05 10:26 PM
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Not to be hyper-critical (or anything similar)

You're not.

I never said I was perfect [in my meter or my manners -- both can always be improved, and there is certainly no shortage of people around here to give me instruction in both -- hey, that's a joke, but it does seem something of a mystery to me that my conduct is the only conduct that would benefit from improvement].

It seems I am caught in Goethe's "push-pull" [brought to us yesterday by BY in "nolens volens"], musick.

I am as determined not to be "pushed" away unjustly, as I am "pulled" to meet the high expectations for improvement of the many good people I respect around here, including you.

Those who want me to succeed in this endeavour are more of an encouragement to me than those who want me to fail.

To leave after trying so hard to succeed would be as much of a failure as reverting to the vicious cycle which never succeeded for anyone before.

I will not leave, as a matter of principle, musick. And I will not participate in any further hostilities, as a matter of principle. If there is a winner in this, it isn't me. It's the Board.





#136917 01/17/05 05:38 AM
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Some passing moods make us furious;
Still others take a turn far more serious.
When filled with such hate
You need to sedate
You are suffering from odium delirious.

Today's AWAD is "odium".


#136918 01/19/05 01:16 PM
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An enemy, burning with odium
Filled my cold drink with pure sodium.
When I started to dine,
"Yuck, gas!" I repined...
Then I rushed to go find some Imodium.


#136919 01/19/05 03:36 PM
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odium and repined

A single and a double, AniamL!

You should go for the limerick bicycle ... if you're so inclined.

Re "Imodium":
Dr. Bill [wwh] reports as follows:
This is name of a product of well known pharmaceutical house, a medication to treat diarrhea. Maybe I even prescribed it sixty years ago.

Now, what "enemy" would want to cure you of your verbal diarrhea, AniamL? You would think they would want to give you more of it. :)


#136920 01/19/05 05:19 PM
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Yeah... I wanted to write "'My stomach!' I repined"... but it didn't scan. I changed it.


#136921 01/19/05 05:34 PM
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"Gas" is good, AnimiaL. Even the doc isn't bein' pernickety. :)

When your stomach gets that pernickety
Beware a vowel movement limerickety!

#136922 01/22/05 03:32 PM
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A mom, speech impaired but magnanimous
Took her son to the zoo (twas unanimous).
She asked the zoo lord
Where the fauna was stored;
He said, "Up yours, dolt, here's your damned 'animus'"

Man, that took me a long time and it was pretty weak.
But not as weak (or as interesting) as the following:

A man with a case of the hiccoughs
Cleared snow from a road with a plough.
The job made him dough
So he said, with a cough
"Hold on a sec, none of this rhymes."





#136923 01/22/05 04:01 PM
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Well, AnimiaL, I am proud
To acclaim your talents uncowed
By nit-picking rules
Which impede such jewels.
The best never follow the crowd.





#136924 01/22/05 07:44 PM
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Then what might you be, Plutarch, the exception that makes the rule, or the best that was thrown out of the crowd?

Nice poem AnimaiL, though, I would have thought that through would have been included for puposes of inclusion.


#136925 01/22/05 08:01 PM
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the exception that makes the rule

One can be an exception without being exceptional, themilum.

We seem to have more people who take exception to the rules than we have rules or rulers.

It's a good thing we've got your self-annointed judgeship to sort it all out for us. :)

re "the best that was thrown out of the crowd?"

Who was it who first quipped "I've been thrown out of better joints than this!". Probably Groucho Marx.


#136926 01/22/05 09:04 PM
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Not what you're looking for, but...

******

The Marx Bros. - "Horse Feathers"

There's a knock at the door. Baravelli opens the peephole.

Baravelli: Who are you?

Wagstaff: I'm fine, thanks. Who are you?

Baravelli: I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.

Wagstaff: Well, what is the password?

Baravelli: Oh no, you gotta tell me! (pause) Hey, I tell you what I do...I give you three guesses...It's the name of a fish...

Wagstaff: Is it Mary?

Baravelli: Ha, ha! Atsa no fish!

Wagstaff: She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see...Is it sturgeon?

Baravelli: Hey, you're crazy! A sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open whena you sick. Now I give you one more chance.

Wagstaff: I got it! Haddock!

Baravelli: Atsa funny, I gotta haddock too.

Wagstaff: What do you take for a haddock?

Baravelli: Well now, sometimes I take aspirin, sometimes I takea calomel.

Wagstaff: Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

Baravelli: You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it. (Slams door. Wagstaff knocks again. Baravelli opens the peephole again.) Hey, whatsa matta? You no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say swordfish! Now, I give you one more guess....

*******

http://www.whyaduck.com/sounds/wav.htm

#136927 01/22/05 09:55 PM
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Never even thought about "through", themilum. By the way, nice post subject , plutarch.


#136928 01/22/05 10:24 PM
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One up on "Who's on First", Musick, brilliant.

Thanks, I wonder if the Marx routine originated in vaudeville as well?


#136929 01/22/05 10:39 PM
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Themilum will sort it all out.
Who could possibly entertain doubt?
He'll drink to first place
Then the rest of the place
'Til his judgeship annoits himself out.



#136930 01/22/05 11:25 PM
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Thank you Plutarch, it is largely you who gives me occasion to drink.

Take right now for instance... I am sober and as dry as a...uh...judge, and I find your short poem above tightly written with gentle wit and textbook rhyme.

But with you I can't be sure that within those seemingly innocuous lines are not deep messages of import, messages for the human spirit about revealed meanings of man and his soul.

I think deeper when I drink; so thank you for your kind and generous obscurity.




#136931 01/23/05 11:32 AM
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I think deeper when I drink

I wonder, themilum. Are you thinking deeper, or just sinking deeper?

There is a point beneath which your anchor will not catch. It's called the "byssus"*. After that, only the abyss is with us.

re "it is largely you who gives me occasion to drink". Perhaps so, themilum, but is it me who gives you occasion to drink so largely? Perhaps if you only awarded bottles for First Place and left the other places to fend for themselves.

In any case, your accolade does not put me out of spirits. [It won't put you out of spirits either, unless it puts you out of pocket first.]

It was W. C. Fields who said:

"My wife drove me to drink. It's the only thing I can ever thank her for."

* With acknowledgements to Dr. Bill for "the byssus" [in Wordwind's "cast away" thread].





#136932 01/23/05 11:45 AM
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>It was W. C. Fields who said:

"My wife drove me to drink. It's the only thing I can ever thank her for."


Actually it was my father, who often drove around with Fields when he was on a toot in the Twin Cities. He (my father) always swore that he was with Fields on more than one occasion when he opened bank accounts in strange names, which neither of them could remember the next day.

Another time, Pop and Mae West drove through a snowstorm to get her from Minneapolis to Chicago for a performance. Pop said the best performance was in the motel they had to spend two nights in during the trip. But he always WAS a braggart. One of his favorite lines was, "I'm not always as good as I once was, but I'm once as good as I always was."



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#136933 01/23/05 12:17 PM
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Actually it was my father, who often drove around with Fields

So, it was your father who drove Fields to drink. Too bad his wife got all the credit for it.

Did your father also have a taste for wine? W.C. Fields was always heard complaining: "Who stole the cork outta my lunch!"



#136934 01/23/05 12:27 PM
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Actually the cork he was talking about was on a whiskey bottle. Fields was apparently a pretty serious alcoholic and went for the quantity of alcohol per cc, not the quality.



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#136935 01/23/05 12:44 PM
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Let's raise a toast to great thinkers
Fields and Gleason and other famed drinkers.
Omar was one
Who was never outdone
And his Rubaiyat is the proof of his clinkers.

What without asking, hither hurried whence?
And without asking, wither hurried hence?
Another and another cup to drown
The memory of this impertinence.


BTW "clinkers" is a good word because you can have your way with it according to your druthers:

From A-H online:

Slang.

Something of inferior quality; a conspicuous failure: a clinker of a show.

Chiefly British. Something admirable or first-rate.

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=clinker



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I never can make a good rhyme.
I cannot make a meter in time.
And limericks? No way.
Both poetry and play?
I will drop them like a bowling ball on my toe. Ouch.


#136937 01/23/05 09:57 PM
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Sparteye has little time for funning
And few of his rhymes are that cunning.
But if you need an attorney
On a long, legal journey
Sparteye's meter will never stop running.



#136938 01/23/05 10:52 PM
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Dear Sparteye, I thought your poem well consructed with tasteful whimsy that led to the perfect off-timing and the delightful surprise in the refreshing sentiment of your concluding line.
Thank you.

And Putarch, lawyer jokes are no longer appealing.
If you want to tell a good rhyming lawyer joke you must put in a reference to a snake.


#136939 01/24/05 04:52 AM
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lawyer jokes are no longer appealing

Hey, themilum:

It's OK to make fun of a lawyer's rhyme
As long as you pay him for his time.

Besides:

He can always appeal to the court
If he thinks your joke is a tort.

You got us all wrong, themilum. We aren't snakes. We're sharks. :) [Snakes have thin skins. Sharks don't.]

Which reminds me:

Did you hear the one about the guys who were lost at sea in a life-raft? They were nearly dead when they drifted within sight of a deserted island. Only one problem: the life-raft was surrounded by sharks.

There was a lawyer on board. He didn't hesitate for a moment. He dove in and the sharks escorted him safely to shore.

"What's that all about?, one of the guys on the life-raft sputtered in amazement. "Professional courtesy", the lawyer's buddy replied.



#136940 01/24/05 08:58 AM
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My dear Plutarch, if you must promote your profession with
lawyer jokes, please keep in theme and promote in rhyme.

Forgive me, Father Steve, not so much for what I am about to say
but for my enjoyment in saying it oh so much.


I know this is true I saw it on Drudge
Science has finally classified lawyers;
They are the larval stage of a Judge.





#136941 01/24/05 09:49 AM
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larval stage

Themilum, do you really want to get "larval"* with Sparteye?

He didn't make much of his own poem, but he could make a bunch outta yours! It's called libel, themilum.

Your judgeship could get benched for your wit, when Sparteye comes down with his writ. [Just say it was a "typo".]

Actually, "larval stage" is kinda cute, themilum. I'm just glad I didn't write it. :)

I don't wanna do time for my rhyme.
I just wanna have a good time.

* You never wanna bite at anything which can bite back, themilum. That goes for insects ["larval" or not] and especially for "snakes" and "sharks". :)


#136942 01/24/05 04:56 PM
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More likely Sparteye will sue me for intimidation, Lawyer Plutarch, I am of the people and you lawyers build your nice summer homes on thin ice.

Besides, the punch line of the joke is actually this...

Lawyers are the larval stage of politicians!

I changed "politician" to "Judge" because the word "politician" didn't rhyme with "Drudge".

Sue me.


#136943 01/24/05 05:11 PM
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Sue me.

How can you sue the Judge?

Guess you called my bluff, huh?

Does this mean I am permanently relegated to Place Two in a field of two?

What about a field of one?



#136944 01/24/05 05:43 PM
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Aw shoot, Plutarch, sure I forgive you. For one thing you seem to share my common sense approch to judging.

Hey, I just had a great idea! Let's go all out!
Let's buy only the best of wines as our poetry prizes.
Money is no object. But that's not the good part.

What we'll do is name each bottle of wine in honor of one of the the ladies of this board. In other words the prize for the best poem without cheating might be called the "Jackie". Get it? Sorta like the Oscars but instead of a trophy our prize would be an expensive bottle of vintage wine.

Good idea huh? What do you think?


#136945 01/24/05 06:14 PM
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Good idea, themilum. Why not have the ladies take up a collection.


#136946 01/24/05 10:36 PM
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Good idea, themilum. Why not have the ladies take up a collection. - Plutarch

What's with you Plutarch, are you from Mars? Ladies don't take up collections; men do.
Don't you want to be popular?
Spring for the bucks!



#136947 01/25/05 12:26 AM
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Themilum's Spring Collection

Perhaps we're straying a little off topic here, themilum.

AnimiaL might have another limerick to post. Or even Sparteye. Well, perhaps not Sparteye. I think it'll be a while before he gets over your last review. [And who can blame him?]

Maybe we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. Do we really need all these labels? Perhaps we only need a label for "Place Two". It's the only entry we can really count on, you know. No point in wasting all that wine.


#136948 01/25/05 02:58 AM
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A pixie, once joyful and merry
Mistook a time bomb for a cherry!
As the time bomb was ticking...
(I know what you're thinking)
...This poem ends most airy fairy.

Yup, airy fairy meaning impractical (or ridiculous, I guess, in this case) and also airy because... well the fairy exploded.


#136949 01/25/05 07:17 AM
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We don't need to wait for themilum to judge that one, A-L. You've broken a couple of meddlesome rules and taken this art form to a whole new level. KA-BOOM! A worthy tribute to "Heere's Johnny!" on his way out. Did you know Johnny Carson's Show by the way - presumably from reruns?


#136950 01/28/05 11:59 PM
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I might be a snake or a flea
I might be a larval queen bee
Or even so sharkish
With toothies quite sharpish
But I'm most definitely sure NOT a he.


#136951 01/29/05 12:44 AM
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I'm with you, Sparteye...

I'm not a snake or a flea
I'm not a larval queen bee
Not even a shark
Nor lovingly lark,
But I'm definitely not sure I'm a he.




#136952 01/29/05 09:22 AM
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"Horrors!", I swear, "It's a curse!"
What gender-bendering verse!
Is Sparteye no he?
Themilum a she!
Mars and Venus, "Egads!", in reverse!



#136953 01/30/05 11:21 AM
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I've fully succumbed to my inclination to make up words as I see fit. I know enough Greek and Latin roots to engineer a completely logical word when I can't think of the appropriate terminology.
AnimiaL, Jan 29/05

AnimiaL has a greek tool kit
With latin to make any fit
In any old rhyme
At any old time.
Coming soon! "AnimiaL's limerick retrofit".



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