Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Yep, there's something about Aussies, all right! "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Ohmigawd! (By the way, doc, I was mildly disappointed that you didn't rise to my second bait about 'Yes, PM'...)

I needed a good belly laugh, and as a former professional passenger on military aircraft, I was ROTFLMAO.

Cheers,
Bryan

I don't think I would want to fly on plane serviced by humorists.

Thanks for that, doc! Those engineers sure have a way with words. Even if it's apocryphal, I'd still hate to see what a major accident-leading airline's logs look like.

And actually©, IMNSHO, your subject header does you a disservice. This offering is more word-related than a lot of stuff you see posted around here.

Hate to tell you this Doc (if you hadn't already suspected) but the list is well-crafted urban myth. I've seen it attributed to virtually every major airline in the world at various times! It was even published in (I think) Aeroplane a few years back (as humour).

No illusions shattered here, CK.

Hilarious ... maybe it's been around awhile but sure glad you posted it ... would hate to have mythed it.

By the way QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
Shhhhh. You'll jinx it!

Air New Zealand, let me tell you, has not had a major accident. No, sirree. I will admit that there was a slight technical hitch with the first attempt to land a DC-10 wheels up at cruising speed on a glacier at 10,000 feet on Mt Erebus in Antarctica. But it wasn't an accident. Nope.

Flying urban myths ... my favourite was one about South West Airlines. According to the story, at one point they had a policy which involved the pilot or the co-pilot in having to go and glad-hand the passengers at the entry as they disembarked on arrival. After one particularly ropey arrival which involved a hard touchdown and a couple of subsequent hops before the plane consented to admit it had landed, the pilot was less than enthusiastic about performing this duty. However, everyone smiled and said "thank you" as they got off. Except for one little old lady, last off the plane. As she stepped out in the jetway, she looked back and asked, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

Any others?

I KNOW there is something that was passed around on the internet that is a list of supposedly real comments by airline staff, and I cannot find it. But it is hilarious--one was something along the lines of a stewardess telling passengers after a rough landing that they could debark when all the pieces of the plane had been picked up off the runway. If anyone has/finds this, please post it. Meantime, I offer a substiute, though it has nothing to do with planes (actual dialog, of course)!

Wordperfect Dialog



"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How can I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does you monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

......"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

......"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

......"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, its not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there is a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"
http://www.thetroxels.com/ej/etDialog.htm