Received by email yesterday:
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how ...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But its "just" a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." ( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
Hey, CapK!...just got back. My niece happened to show me this yesterday. From
http://DarwinAwards.com, which "celebrates" acts of utter stupidity which lead to self-demise:
Thirst for Death
2001 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(18 January 2001, New Zealand) The west coast of New Zealand
is threaded with narrow, windy roads that climb and descend the
hills at improbable angles. A Christchurch driver with little
patience for those dangerous curves was preparing a hot cup of
tea in her car when she learned one last lesson about respect for
the road.
Nothing, but nothing, could keep her from her afternoon tea that
day. Well all right, one thing could keep her from her tea. Karma.
While she was trying to brew a cuppa, her car plunged over a
precipice and into a creek. The woman was found dead three
days later, still holding a box of teabags, with a mug wedged
against the steering wheel and a thermos of hot water beneath
her feet.
There were no brake marks on the road.
DarwinAwards.com © 1994-2002 "Never underestimate the power of human stupidity." --Robert A. Heinlein
Yes, indeedy, but this woman earned hers and got hers some time back. The website
http://www.darwinawards.com has more up-to-date stupid ways to die ...
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
One wonders if there is a connection ... ?
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)
This is a standard conversation in my house:
Child burns self on hot food at the beginning of meal. "Whoa, mom, this is hot!". Mother, dryly: "Well, it did just come out of a 450 degree oven." She likes it so much she has even learned to say it in Turkish, when she discovered that my friend's mom said the exact same thing to her: "Ateste pisti * !" which literally translates as "It was on the flame!".
* I actually need characters unavailable in Arial to type that properly.
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
Wiping tears from eyes
Now I'm dying to know whether this is a common problem in Sweden.
k
My car has a power sun roof. In the car manual, there are instructions
Warning! Do not open sun roof when there is snow on roof of the car.
I am sure glad they told me that!
Dear of troy: I suspect warning about not opening sunroof when snow was on it had a very good reason. The rim of sunroof could be locked by ice, and activating it could burn out motor.
You do like to be a killjoy at times, Bill!
Why bring physics into a perfectly good manual slagging?
I dunno, CK-- there might be something to be learned from gravity if i slide my sun roof open... and the glass is no longer holding up the snow... where's it going to go?
Dear of troy: do you mean you are a peasant, and have a hand-operated sun-roof? Then a little snow down the back of your neck ought not upset you.
there might be something to be learned from gravity if i slide my sun roof open... and the glass is no longer holding up the snow... where's it going to go?
At the risk of belaboring the obvious - if you try to open a sunroof (or even a moonroof) that is covered with snow, you will very quickly become aware of the gravity of your situation.
And while on the subject of words, distributed by email, here's one I received this morning (I'm sure glad I'm not in any of these hospitals)
... apologies if anyone has seen these before!
Actual writings on hospital charts:
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital .
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days ..
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce ..
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree ..
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Hev
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The more I thought about it, the more permutations suggested themselves to me, but quick, before TEd sees this, I just have to say it gives new meaning to circus peanuts!
Hev, my wife is a professor of nursing -- and you have made her day! ROTFLMAO.
sunroof shmunroof im 37 I dont drive!!!!!
the Duncster
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.Have these porno movie makers
no conscience? The least they could have done was to buy her a drink afterwards!
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
Now I'm dying to know whether this is a common problem in Sweden.I'm a chainsaw mechanic. I'm scheduled to attend a Husqvarna training session on 12 March. Ill be sure to bring up this question. Maybe this explains why so many of the Swedes I know are half nuts
Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
Hey! I object to hospitals publishing my details without my permission!!!
There used to be a legend about loggers fighting duels with chainsaws, but I am broken hearted, can't find anything on Internet about it.
Hey! I object to hospitals publishing my details without my permission!!!
What you worried about, RhubarbC, I've had a doll made in my image and I didn't know anything about it
http://wordsmith.org/board/showthreaded.pl?Cat=&Board=words&Number=58049
Hev
Hey! I object to hospitals publishing my details without my permission!!!That's ok, Rhuby--the picture you sent Max showed us your best side...<EG>
And Hev--the voodoo thread is somewhere else.
I used to work with a woman that would always shake her head upon reading the warnings of each new product we received. "Ya gotta wonder,"she'd say, "just how stupid the person was that prompted THIS warning." We'd get a good laugh for the afternoon imagining all the Darwin prize-winning possibilities.
That's ok, Rhuby--the picture you sent Max showed us your best side...<EG>
Well, Jackie, I guess it
does take some self-confidence to show your sole to the whole world - - -
(together with a clean pair of heels, of course.)
hev says
What you worried about, RhubarbC, I've had a doll made in my image and I didn't know anything about it I'll refrain from any barbied comments, then.
hev, you aren't a shrimp, are you?
Yesterday at Taekwondo I ran into another of these. I do WTF Taekwondo, that is the same type as at the Olympics - full contact, full force sparring. We were practicing head shots (ie. kicks to the head) by holding a helmet at head level, with some padding inside it, and having our training partner kick it. Fine. As I was holding the helmet I realized there's a warning on the back: "For light or no-contact sparring only [yeah, right!!!!!] ...read instructions before use." Instructions???? For a
helmet????
Some helmets need instructions. My wife pronounced a motocyclist who had gone into the woods at a sharp turn, breaking his neck. His buddy protested: "He can't be dead! His helmet cost more than mine did!"
hev, you aren't a shrimp, are you?
Nope... pretty tall, acksherly.
Hev
I used to be tall when I lived in Mexico [wistful-e]
Yes, my not-too-impressive height increased quite markedly on average by coming to Labour'sLoveLostLand.
>While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
May I assume she was also ultraviolated?
>While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
May I assume she was also ultraviolated?
No, no, I'm sure she was treated with appropriate rectaltude!
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.May I assume she was also ultraviolated?No, no, I'm sure she was treated with appropriate rectaltude!For any mathematically-inclined folk who may want the full story, see
http://djharter.www3.50megs.com/Digests/H9710070.htm#Joke5,
wherein it is related how that polygon of womanly virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that notorious villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh, horrors!).
Max Factor?
Reminds me of the story of the two waifs whom Matthew Brady found wandering around after Gettysburg. He asked them to pose for a picture to show the horrors of war from a child's viewpoint. As he disappeared under the black drape one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "What's he gonna do now?"
The other one, worldly wise for her 13 years, replied, "He's getting ready to focus."
The younger girl's eyes went wide: "Both of us?"
"He's getting ready to focus."
Ah, yes, this reminds me of the English fighter pilot during the Battle of Britain who radioed that he had just shot down two Fokkers. When asked about the types of Fokkers he had shot down, he replied that those two Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts.
Just found on a package of made in USA Beef Jerkey:
(I love the stuff!) EXPORT STATEMENT The meat contained herein is for personal use only and not for sale.Not for sale???? Does that mean when they send it elsewhere, they give it away?
If anyone has knowledge of a location to receive free beef jerkey, please let me know! It may just be worth the trip for the amount I buy!
From one of the smartest baseball players in the game:
Starting pitcher: John Smoltz (Braves)
Once burned his chest while ironing a shirt ... which he was still wearing.
Thought yall might like that-
JosieWales ? Real life sample? With the utmost respect, may I inquire: Are you THE Josie Wales?
>Starting pitcher: John Smoltz (Braves) Once burned his chest while ironing a shirt ... which he was still wearing.
Now that's a good example of a need for more chlorine in the gene pool.
Hello JosieWales... It looks like you're new(ish) around these parts so...
WELCOME! 
Glad you could join us.
Hev