The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following
were some of this year's [2002 - edit] winning entries:



1. abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

2. balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline

3. circumvent (n.): the opening in the front of boxer shorts

4. coffee (n.): a person who is coughed upon

5. esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk

6. flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained

7. flatulence (n.): the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller

8. frisbeetarianism (n.): the belief that, when you die, your soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck there

9. gargoyle (n.): an olive-flavored mouthwash

10. lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp

11. negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.

12. oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions

13. pokemon (n): a Jamaican proctologist.

14. rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you

15. testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam

16. willy-nilly (adj.): impotent

The following was e-mailed to me by a friend; I cannot take credit:

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


And, the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Dear wofahulicodoc: I liked all except number 14. That's getting personal.

Dear Keiva: I like yours also.

12. oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions

I know an oyster! Hi Keiva!

Thanks for posting these, wofa! I like #3 the best. [wouldn't you all like to know e]   [if asked I'll tell e]

What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

I have to take exception to this one (second Class Pedant speaking here). "In-ocul-ation" means putting something into the eye, the way the first smallpox vaccinations were administered way back when, which is how the word first came into general use. Maybe they mean to wash away the cobwebs by pouring a cup of coffee in your eye?

{Actually, vaccination is another word which evolved away from its origin (am I crossing threads here?). It derives from the Vaccinia (cowpox) virus, which gave all the smallpox-immune milkmaids their protection against smallpox (which is Variola). Material from active cowpox skin lesions was put into a solution and dropped into the little pocket between the pulled-back eyelid and the eyeball itself, thereby vaccinating people by inoculation.)

Material from active cowpox skin lesions was put into a solution and dropped into the little pocket between the pulled-back eyelid and the eyeball itself, thereby vaccinating people by inoculation.)

And I suppose, at the time, the only alternative was another visit to that rectitudinal proctologist! Hi Bill ...

Jackie - there's two #3's.

Are we talking about circumvention or foreplay?

My experience with foreplay is that it lasts longer and is less physical the older you get. I need to start the verbal "spade work" at least 12 hours ahead of tryst time these days!!

stales

Angel says, I know an oyster!

Interestingly, oytser (not oyster) is a yiddish word of fairly common use. from Hebrew o-tsar, "treasure":

1) Treasure. "My child? An angel, an oytser to us both." "Our maid is an oytser."
-- but just as often used ironically to mean the exact opposite:
2) By no stretch of the imagination a treasure. "Her son? God save you from such an oytser!" "He almost ruined me, that oytser!" "Such an oytser I wish my worst enemies."

[citation to Rosten omitted hi, Max! ]

What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?

Any noise annoys an oyster but...

stales--TMI, TMI!!!!!!!!!

Dear Keiva,

Ah, there's great stuff in that oyster--the bivalve that keeps giving and giving and giving.

I like especially in your list:

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

...since that's the train I listen for.

Best regards,
Workin'(on the)Wailroad

Jackie - there's two #3's

Pedantic Nitpicker Mode: Nay, stales, there is but one #3. There's a third item in Keiva's list but only wofahulicodoc's is numbered 3.

Superior Threadnodist Mode: Had you dropped but briefly into threaded mode you would have seen that Jackie was responding to wofahulicodoc. There were other clues but we need not mention them here.