OK, y'all riddlers asked for it:
-How many sociologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve, enough to form a committee to write a working paper on "Coping with the Dark"-How many sopranos does it take?
One to hold it and the rest of us to revolve around her.-How many WASPs? (I can ask this because I pretty much am one, when I'm not being an ASp
)
Two: one to call the electrician and the other to mix the martinis.As a member of the
de facto gutter police I'd like to keep this thread away from the original joke *as *well *as non-offensive in general (yeah, right, road to hell paved with good intentions, etc usw but once one of you miscreants begins the descent I'll gleefully join in)
Have at!
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the bulb has really got to want to change ...
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
100 - one to hold the bulb and 99 to turn da house!
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
OK, CapK. You're the big California expert now, having been through there and taken the subway and everthang, but.
A) It's not How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
2) It's How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
And the answer is
Ž) Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs
How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
- How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
- We don't. That's a hardware problem.
- How many programmers does it take to wall-paper a room?
- Twelve, but you have to slice them thinly.
- How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
- Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
It's How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
No no no, it only takes one to screw it in, but it's not like he can use it. There's no power left to turn it on!
I have never seen a time and motion study on Californians screwing in lightbulbs. But millions of them screwed up the whole power system by thinking that 8 cents a kwh was a fair price. I never paid less than 12 cents per kwh in the East, and can't figure out how the Californians thought that they were entitled to pay only 8 cents.
Ok, here's a website that has more lightbulb jokes that you can imagine. I think they cover all the bases, here are a couple pertinent examples:
Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to "light bulb".
Q: How many merkins does it take to replace a light-bulb?
A: One, if you screw 'em in tight enough.
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
http://www.laughnet.net/archive/jokes/lightbul.htm
" How many merkins does it take to replace a light-bulb?"
I have heard of blond pubic wigs, but never one sufficiently fluorescent to light up a room.
Ok, here's a website that has more lightbulb jokes that you can imagineI'm speechless at the amount of time, energy and brain
power invested in lightbulb jokes! Don't know whether it's evidence of colossal creativity or having waaaay too much time on your hands. (That's generalized "you," Jazz, not you personally
.)
The fun with this sort of joke is to choose a profession or whatever and challenge someone to devise a new ( or appropriately recycled) joke.
Here's one I devised (the only one I can recall at present - the rest are at home):
How many double-glazing salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, with the manager's special offer, the easy-pay rebate, and the introductory discount, I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised at the final figure.
Taking my life in my hands, as for all I know there may turn out to be as many double-glazing professionals on this board as there are Daves; double-glazing selling is a standard joke in UK for the persistent telephone calls, and the peculiar pricing strategies. What professions fill this role in your country?
Rod
double-glazing selling is a standard joke in UK for the persistent telephone calls, and the peculiar pricing strategies. What professions fill this role in your country?
Telemarketers are what we call them in US ... marketing a product by telephone calls.
Arrrgh! And they always used to call at dinnertime ... many states have passed laws forbidding the calls betweeen 6 and 8 p.m.
Evidently enough politicians were annoyed by the calls to take action!
The worst for me are the telemarketers trying to sell me an alternate telephone service! I tell them I have stock in AT&T and will stay with MaBell ... (actually it's just two shares but they don't know that!)
Next come the calls selling Vinyl house siding ... I say thanks but the area I live in has a covenant against using siding! That stops 'em in their tracks. (That it happens to be true is a bonus!)
In US you can tell telemarketers to take your name off the call list and also not to share with others ... they have to stop for a year! (or so I understand ... Sparteye or other lawyers aBoard have more info?)
Anyone care to share their "go away" answers to telemarketing calls?
merkins
blond pubic wigs
Need I remind you Dr. Bill, that English, like most (if not all) natural languages, is context sensitive?
Merkin and Proud of it on this Most Merkin of all Holidays!!!
DO NOT BE DISSUADED BY THE GIGGLES OF ENGLISH SCHOOL BOYS!!!
Anyone care to share their "go away" answers to telemarketing calls?
In UK we have the Mailing Preference Service on which you can add your name and address and similar services for telephone and e-mail. Cold callers are supposed to check against the list, but can call if you forgot to check the box in the Arabic small print. It lasts for ever I believe, but I am not sure what the penalties are for breaking the rules.
In UK, we also call them telemarketeers (when feeling polite) but the only ones I seem to get by phone are double glazing. They seem to have stopped because I did add our number to the list. They also got fed up with me saying we were in a conservation zone (also true).
I find "No thanks" and putting the phone down works. "Don't call me, I'll call you", "Do you want to waste both our valuable time and have me say no at the end, or do you want to ring some more likely shot now?", "What a shame, I had them done last week", or my favourite "I'll hand you to the wife, she handles things like that!". She is so mad at me she takes it out on them.
Rod
many states have passed laws forbidding the calls betweeen 6 and 8 p.m.
In New York, we have a law that stops the companies from calling people who apply by a certain date each year.
Dear Faldage: the rappers and such scum who enjoy perverting things slyly, were probably responsible for inveigling unaware Americans into call themselves an obscenity. There are gutter musical groups and nightclubs so named. Back in Buzzard's Bay there was a nightclub called the Scatophagus Room. The Greek owner enjoyed calling his patrons in Greek what he would not dare call them in English. If you want to call yourself a merkin, go ahead. But I do not care to join you.
DO NOT BE DISSUADED BY THE GIGGLES OF ENGLISH SCHOOL BOYS!!!Quite right. It is every Merkin's privilege to make a hairy prat of themselves at least once a year
Happy Fourth, guys.
>Anyone care to share their "go away" answers to telemarketing calls?
I always liked the 'phone line is cracking up' ploy, or alternatively (if on a mobile phone) just walking down to the cellar.
Also, getting over friendly and asking them all the questions is great fun if you have a few spare minutes.
What professions fill this role in your country?In this part of the US, at least, it'd be vinyl siding.
>Anyone care to share their "go away" answers to telemarketing calls?
A linguistics class in college had us test the limits of speech act theory by answering the often close-ended questions with off-the-wall quips and questions. Surely the callers thought we were insane.
Caller: May I speak with Brandon?
Me: This is Brandon.
Caller: Brandon, you have been pre-approved for a blah blah blah. All we need to do to get this right out to you is to confirm your name and address.
Me: Oh, I've been looking for Aunt Marge. Glad you found her. It's tricky when she gets out from the crawl-space. Note to AWAD folks: Don't do this if you actually have people in your crawl-spaces, basements, cellars, or dungeons)
the rappers and such scum who enjoy perverting things slyly, were probably responsible for inveigling unaware Americans into call themselves an obscenity
Wow! Lyndon Johnson was a *rapper?!? Gots ta add *that 'un to my storecase of musical knowledge!
What professions fill this role in your country?
In this part of the US, at least, it'd be vinyl siding.In my area it's generally storm windows. The caller usually begins with "How old are your windows?", not even bothering to say hello!
>Anyone care to share their "go away" answers to telemarketing calls?
My mother-in-law has the best response ever. When called by people asking her to change her long-distance telephone service she responds, "I'm sorry, we don't have a phone" and hangs up. I bet most of the callers don't even get the joke.
>Anyone care to share their "go away" answers to telemarketing calls?
I was engaged for a while to a guy whose tactic was this: when a sales call was made regarding magazine subcriptions, he listened through the full sales pitch, feigning interest. When asked if he'd be interested, he claimed "No, I'm blind."
Clever, but cruel. Not kitten-eating cruel, but I suspect he made someone feel really awful ~
Several years ago, the NYTimes Magazine had a whole article about lightbulb jokes..
I know a count down..
How many (ethnic group of choice, ) does it take to change a light bulb?
4– one to hold the light bulb, 3 to turn the ladder.
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
3-- 1 to change the light bulb, 1to file environmental impact statement, and 1 other to share the experience.
How many WASP's does it take to change a light bulb?
(See AnnaS' answer)
How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?
Only 1 but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
How many jewish mother's does it take to change a light bulb?
(Softely with a sigh,) "None, I'll sit here in the dark its not a problem.."
How many New Yorker's does it take to change a light bulb?
(Beligerently) "Who the f*** want to know?"
How many MicroSoft programers does it take to change a light bulb?
Programmers don't change lightbulbs, its an engineering problem
How many MS engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
No need to change the light bulb– Darkness is a new feature!
A linguistics class in college had us test the limits of speech act theory by answering the often close-ended questions with off-the-wall quips and questions. Yes, the only way to get rid quickly, without being rude or hanging up, of those telemarketers is answering them the most absurd answer you can make up.
As you can imagine those persons aren’t as nimble witted as it seems, they are usually helped by a powerful software.
This software manages a dynamic script which contemplates almost every logic answer historically given to the operators, this way they always know the most appropriate retort, you cannot get them tired as long as is a machine which does the actual thinking.
And while they’re talking with you they are watching an extract of all the information that their system keeps about you so they know about your tastes, your incomes, if you like travelling or the car you’ve got. Scary.
I know this kind of call-center management software because my company distributes it. I’d like to apologize for the harm done. Sorry.
My pet telemarketing peeve is the computerized call...arrrgh
. Does anyone actually listen once it's clear that the person on the other end isn't one?
I am very glad that you have put this in, Max.
I also get very annoted by the untimeliness of most telephone sales calls, but I am acutely aware that the person on the other end of the line is almost certainly doing the work because it is the only work available to him/her at that partu=icular time and place, and that they do not (as a rule) particularly enjoy it.
It is very easy to be nasty to them, especially if they have interrupted your favourite programme, and even more so if they are "not so nimble witted" as we are. I find that the kindest and easiest way to deal with unwanted sales calls is to say, firmly but without heat or rancour, "No, thank you, I am not interested." Over here, thank goodness, that is usually enough for them to say good-bye, but if they try to persist, I then just replace the phone on the hook. End of problem.
I just feel that nothing is gained by being gratuitously rude or even to take the rise out of people who are trying to earn a living in this grossly capitalist society. If you don't like the system, come and join me on the barricades!!
(BTW - How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - one to change the bulb, four to sing about the old one.)
The one that I'll probably remember forever was when I was still living with my parents, a brother and two sisters. I must have been in my late teens at the time.
We saw a couple of Mormon missionaries coming up the drive to state their positiion, and I got elected to get rid of them. My brother and two sisters were upstairs and the missionaries came to the front door which is immediately at the bottom of the stairs. My youngest sister, who is a great actress, started moaning as if she were in extremitis about two minutes into my futile attempt to get rid of the two Mormons. Very loud and painful, it sounded. Kate, the elder of my two sisters, came downstairs with tears in her eyes (from suppressing laughter) and whispered "Last rites!" in my ear. Then she went back upstairs "crying". My brother was making some interesting noises in the background as well, and I was having a hell of a job not to laugh myself.
I told the missionaries that my youngest sister was dying of something contagious and that the priest would be there any minute to administer the last rites.
I dunno if they believed me, but they took off like scalded cats ...
Bit difficult to do without some siblings willing to play along, I suppose.
Telemarketers is what we call them in the US....Hello, wow, we found you! My name is Robbie Pitcher, and I'm calling you because, as a valued JC Penny credit card customer, you were selected to receive up to $1,000,000 of accidental death insurance at no cost to you! The benefits for the primary insured are $1,000,000 for accidents involving public transportation, $150,000 for motor vehicle or pedestrian accidents, and $50,000 for all other accidents. And best of all, the first free months of coverage are absolutely free! And after the first three months, if you decide to keep the coverage, just $8.95 a month will be automatically billed to your JC Penney credit card account. And you can cancel anytime you decide the coverage doesn't meet your needs! So may we go ahead and enroll you in our special no cost accidental death insurance plan?.....Are you sure? The first three months are absolutely free, and you can cancel anytime you want just by calling tour special toll-free number!.....Okay, then, we'll call you back at a better time. And do have a nice day.
My Dilbert desk calendar for today July 6th, has a telemarketing theme. Dogbert says to Ratbert and Bob the dinosaur "You two will be my telemarketeers. Here's a list of known idiots to call". Ratbert says "I'll go first.. I dial the number and wait for an idiot to answer". Bob's phone starts to ring and Ratbert says "C'mon you loser, pick up the phone".
I must admit to usually being reasonably polite with "No thanks. Not ever" and putting the phone down. I got cross with a guy who rang back several times. And I get cross with marketeers who pretend to be researchers.
Rod
noted:
Brits say telemarketeers, US'ns say telemarketers. Is that right? What do y'all Canadians and Antipodeans say?
A friend of mine works for a market reasearch company part-time and has told me quite a bit about the jokes they have amongst themselves. With that in mind, I don't have qualms about having a bit of fun when such researcher call. They, like Max, get paid by the hour and so don't mind if their requests are denied.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
AnnaS notes a difference between USage/UKage of marketer/marketeer. I know the word from Black or Free Marketeer, definitely "ee" for me. But I'm not sure about UK use of marketer, so I looked it up. Many dictionaries ignore both words but Miriam-Webster Colegiate provides a subtle difference:
mar·ket·er Date: 1787
: one that deals in a market; specifically : one that promotes or sells a product or service
mar·ke·teer Date: 1832
: a specialist in promoting or selling a product or service
and since the UK obviously only has specialists, no hoi polloi (or even fish tanks with koi polloi) for us, we use marketeer
Rod
All you IT'ers and lawyers have plenty of lightbulb jokes already wriiten for you, but I've crafted the first ever Preservationist lightbulb joke by myself. To wit:
Q: How many Historic Preservationists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 6. 3 to form the non-profit group FODDER (Friends Of De-lighted and Damaged Electrical Resources) to protest any changing of the bulb at all; 1 to prepare a study report that proves that this is the very lightbulb that inspired the first "lightbulb" joke in 1774 ("How many blacksmiths does it take to light a candle?" The punchline has been lost to history); 1 to determine that simply repairing the lightbulb might be the best option; and 1 very well-paid consultant to write the report for the developer funding the lightbulb project that determines that changing the lightbulb will have no adverse effects on historic resources after all.
Perhaps it's only funny to those in the field, but I was inspired (you know, a light bulb went off in my head
).
reminds me of the old joke about what is the difference between a Conservationist and a Naturalist?
The Naturalist already owns a house in the country--
Thedifference between an environmentalist and a conservationist :
The environmentalist wants you to clean up the world, the conservationist wants you to clean up your garage!
MarketeerRod, was this because English merchants, then, had a reputation for dealings that were similar to the tactics of a privateer?
