I came across this one a couple of hours ago in a sotware support NG I frequent. As a search here established that it does not appear to have been posted here before, I offer it for your perusal (however you define that word).

So this is a story about a very intelligent dog, named
Mace, who belonged to a mechanic. The mechanic was very
pleased with everything the dog did except one thing -- he
ate too much grass. So much, in fact, that their
respectable-looking lawn was turned into a dirt patch unless
the family kept him indoors and only took him out to run on
a leash on concrete sidewalks or dirt paths. So they did,
and the grass grew back to a respectable length, and then a
little longer, so it was like wading to walk across the
lawn. One day the mechanic was out working on his car, and
as he was quitting for the day, he dropped his most
expensive wrench. In the grass. And it was lost. The
whole family looked all over, but couldn't find it. That
night, probably because of all the uproar about losing this
expensive tool, Mace escaped from the house. Nobody noticed
until next morning, when they went outside and found that
all the grass had been chewed down to a respectable lawn
length! And there, shining out in plain sight, was the
wrench! The mechanic turned to his wonderful dog and said:
"A Grazing Mace! How sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

in a sotware support NG I frequent

Wow... neat! btw, there's a pretty neat sotware download available for free at:

http://www.drinks101.com/

Wow... neat! btw, there's a pretty neat sotware download available for free at:

http://www.drinks101.com/


Please forgive me, but being allergic to alcohol, I was somewhat underwhelmed by the software on offer.

Dear Max: If you like "sotware" you should enjoy sot fare.

And an intolerance to alcohol is not allergic, in the conventional sense.

And an intolerance to alcohol is not allergic, in the conventional sense.


I used the word loosely, doc. I am allergic, in the histamine sense of the word, to grapes. Extending the use of "allergic" to my physical reaction to alcohol has the advantage of making clear that my aversion is not moral or dependence related, but that C5H2OH quite literally makes me sick.

I used the word loosely, doc. I am allergic, in the histamine sense of the word, to grapes. Extending the use of "allergic" to my physical reaction to alcohol has the advantage of making clear that my aversion is not moral or dependence related, but that C5H2OH quite literally makes me sick.

C5H2OH? Oh, I thought you were talking about alcohol. Hoist one for me!

My organic chemistry was sixty years ago, but I can still tell you any alcohol with five carbons is very hazardous to your health, and revolting to the palate,if it even gets past the lips. And I cannot imagine how you could build a molecule with the atoms specified. I suspect C2H5OH was meant.

. I suspect C2H5OH was meant.

Absolutely!

A curious development I have noticed in the last few months is that I am inverting letters when typing(deliberate). This has nothing to do with the basic error above, but does mean that I have to spend a lot more time proof-reading. The odd thing is that my brain is issuing the command to hit the keys in the correct order, but somewhere along the chain, the order in which the keys get struck is reversed. I would estimate that this happens with around 50-70% of all the owrds(unintentional, left in for illustration) I type. Now, if only the "2" and the "5" were next to each other, I would be able to claim "typo!"

Now, if only the "2" and the "5" were next to each other, I would be able to claim "typo!"

pssst! Max! While nobody's listening - on the number pad thing - over there to the right - the 2 and the 5 are contiguous, even adjacent, one might even say juxtaposed, practically intimate, virtually the same key! So it was a typo, right?

Dear Max: How can I complain about your allowing me the privilege of a small feeble jest occasionally? I'm not sharp enough to penetrate some of the discussions on the board, and can only scavenge on small bits of debris. I thank you for allowing me that. Bill

Dear Max: How can I complain about your allowing me the privilege of a small feeble jest occasionally?

De nada, Dr. Bill, I've just had it in for the sciences ever since my High School principal invited me to skip a grade in physics. When I declined, he refused to act on my German teacher's recommendation that I be allowed to skip a grade in that subject. Why do I have images of marching hammers and mincers filling my imnd as I type this?

I thank you for allowing me that. Bill
Oh, you are SO sweet, Sugar!

Max, I think your "typo" problem may be that your mind is so quick, your fingers can't keep up.

I suspect C2H5OH was meant.

Why do I have images of marching hammers and mincers filling my imnd as I type this?

Oh I dunno. All in all, it's just another brick in the wall, Max baby!

I am inverting letters when typing
Oh you are not alone Max! My affliction is getting worse by the day, although I still seem to have some check mecahnism that warns me when I have done it, (not just from reading the text as I usually look at the keyboard), and the flow stops dead while I correct the errors. I find particular combinations bad (teh) and often transpose the blank between words to before the last letter of the previous word. I had decided to leave all those I made in but it appears I have only made one so far, a much better average than so far today!
Rod

I suspect C2H5OH was meant.
There are some v-e-r-y interesting sites that come up when you do a search on C2H5OH, notably:

http://www.hangoverguide.com/over/clinic/c2h5oh.html(Unusual use of language.)

http://www.c2h5oh.net/ (Subtitled We drink beer and fall down--I didn't investigate this one.)

http://mikawa.com/c2h5oh/(For an Oriental sake,
I mean take, on things.)

Max, I think your "typo" problem may be that your mind is so quick, your fingers can't keep up.

This is a good theory; I use the same excuse pertaining to the connection between my brain and my mouth.

This was happening to me too, till two months ago, when I found typing lessons in
http://www.angelfire.com/in/rampant81/typing.html
and I started learning typing using all the fingers.
Now I am slow , but almost no more inversions.
Emanuela

Good for you, Emanuela!
I just haven't the patience, probably because I learned my typing in news biz and I've gotten so fast with it that slowing down to re-learn is just tooooo frustrating!
I just proof carefully!
Would be nice, though, to copy a letter or other document without looking at keys!
I find it easier to have someone read to me, then I can type pretty fast.
When electric went out a week or so ago, I had to drag out the old manual and found that pounding the keys I made no typing errors. Could fumbles have something to do with the light touch the computer keyboard accepts?

Being a player of the piano (as well as the alphanumeric-keyboard) this "digit" inversion does happen on occasion, but most often as the "notes" pass from one hand to the next, and usually when I am arrogant enough to think I have begun to memorize the computer keybord feel and type fast without looking.

I'm sure this has come up before (here on AWAD) but I can't find it... why is the computer keyboard (typewriter keyboard) laid out in the manner it is.. and has anyone ever suggested an improvement to this century+ old technology?

why is the computer keyboard (typewriter keyboard) laid out in the manner it is.. and has anyone ever suggested an improvement to this century+ old technology?


As I understand it, Max said speaking ex catheter, the QWERTY key board was specifically deigned to slow typists down as the early versions would have their keys stuck together by typists going too fast. There are alternatives available now, including the DVORAK layout, and left-handed keyboards ( basically your standard QWERTY, but with the numeric keypad at the left, anyone want to shout me one?) I haven't seen any left-handed DVORAK keyboards available, and they would not make much difference for a 1.25 handed hunt-and-peck artist such as I am. Maybe I need the equivalent of Ravel's Concerto for the Left Hand?

During WWII the US Navy reconfigured the standard keyboard and had great succes with it... faster and easier to learn. It never caught on.

Very rich man had everything he wanted in life except for a son. He paid a scientist a huge amount of money to have himself cloned and got the son he wanted.
As the boy grew, however, he developed a habit of excessive scatological swearing which upset the Old Man very much, the more upset he got the worse the boy's potty-mouth got. Fiinally, one day the Old Man had enough and he pushed the boy out the window of his penthouse. The boy died of the fall. The sheriff arrested the Old Man for making an Obscene Clone fall.

>Obscene Clone fall.<

I can understand transposing letters, but did you just transpose threads? Doesn't this belong with Clone puns and fun?

Oh nancyk - we've proven that since nobody would ever, ever cross threads intentionally, and nobody believes in moving posts, and nobody will agree (in theory) on a specific definition of YART (amongst others) or when it is appropriate to do so you're best bet is hoping that we'll understand the version of chaos that we know you are holding out for us on a rainy day. [bathing in tears of hysterics; laughter that is, fool's gold, Chicago tea]

why is the computer keyboard (typewriter keyboard) laid out in the manner it is.. and has anyone ever suggested an improvement to this century+ old technology?

I think the current keyboard is a bit like Microsoft, sustained by overwhelming market share and sheer inertia.

laughter that is, fool's gold, Chicago tea

Pretty good, Jethro! When did you move from sunny CA?

...and often transpose the blank between words to before the last letter of the previous word.

Yeah, my keyboards do that, too. Funny thing is that they're not even the same brand.

Lance ==)------------------

but did you just transpose threads? Doesn't this belong with Clone puns and fun?

It's a Hirsute Canine (Shaggy Dog thread) Clone.

With a knick-knack paddy-whack give your dog a clone...

Ok, Musick, old man, reprise this one in the pun fun thread right now!

I'm sure this has come up before (here on AWAD) but I can't find it... why is the computer keyboard (typewriter keyboard) laid out in the manner it is.. and has anyone ever suggested an improvement to this century+ old technology?

Musick, emanuela's typing link talks about that. I didn't read it all. It talks about QWERTY and why it's used, claims DVORAK isn't much better, and gives extra links (which I didn't follow) to discussions of pros and cons of both.

Does anyone find they type better when copying something than when making things up as they go along? I think that is my problem, I think faster than I type. But when typing copy, there is no thinking, so my letters come out better.

DVORAK keyboards
In one of the books which came with my computer (a Gateway) equipped with WIN98, there is an appendix entitled "Accessibility for People with Disabilities", with this note: "Keyboard Layouts for Single-handed Users: Microsoft distributes Dvorak keyboard layouts that make the most frequently typed characters on a keyboard more accessible to people who have difficulty using the standard 'QWERTY' layout. There are three Dvorak layouts: one for two-handed users, one for people who type with their left hand only, and one for prople who type with their right hand only. ... The two layouts for people who type with one hand are distributed as Microsoft Application Note GA0650."

I'm not at all sure what the word "layout" means here. I had assumed it's a new keyboard with the keys rearranged, but maybe they mean you use the same keyboard but add a software routine which tells the computer that the keys have different assignments, like what you have to do to use a Cyrillic or Hebrew font.

And here I thought my idea for a one-handed keyboard was original (sigh...)

On the subject of one-handed keyboards:
There's something called the Twiddler, which works something like a Braille-writer or a legal transcription machine (the official term fails me... Sparteye? Help?). It's dependent upon the learning of correct combinations of buttons to designate characters... fully programmable as well, and kinda cool. If you'd like to see it, because I'm just not describing it very well, go to http://www.handykey.com

And back to Hairy Mastiffs, forgive me if you've heard this one:
There was once an influential farmer in a remote part of China. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, a scientist, and Ming, a sorcerer.

Hing, who had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consulted Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask. He found a reference to a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum-tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers.

Meanwhile, Ming read obscure writings of ancient wise men, meditated, used tarot cards, and examined pig entrails. Uninspired, he tried his old standby, reading tea leaves. It suddenly came to him: An infusion of gum-tree leaves was the cure.

So the two wise men reported back to the Chinese farmer. Ming said, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum-tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agreed: "Studies show that infusions of gum-tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The Chinese farmer was ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decided to follow their recommendation. It didn't work.

Moral of the story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

"All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

Somehow you just reminded me of the Wong family in Hong Kong. They were expecting their first child, and Mr. Wong was very excited. Upon the event of the child's birth, however, Mr. wong immediately filed for a divorce. The child had blue eyes and blonde hair. In the divorce plea, Mr. Wong stated that two Wongs don't make a white.

Moral of the story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

Not bad, F-babe, very clever!

Received this from my brother. Too good not to pass along!
General Motors vs. MicroSoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault"
warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

wow,

love the post!

here's to the day when computers are as easy to turn on as the tv,
and don't require $1000 a day programmers to decipher (recent quote).

I have to share this here because there are no clones involved....forgive me.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow and the frog replies "$30,000.00."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's o.k. he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000.00 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about 1/2 inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you. He wants to borrow $30,000.00 and use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Dammit, Satin, my sides are hurting! WHERE did you find this one? [tears-streaming-down-the-cheeks -e]

He wants to borrow $30,000.00
not a shaggy dog, but a true story. Recently, Nick Roveta, a university student in UK, asked his bank for an overdraft of GBP £150. The letter confirming this stated "I am pleased to inform you that an overdraft limit of £30,651,575 has been arranged on your account. I hope you will find this helpful."
If only my bank were so helpful.

Rod

"I am pleased to inform you that an overdraft limit of £30,651,575 has been arranged on your account. I hope you will find this helpful."

What a great bank. At today's exchange rate, he could have bought Zild for that, and then bludged off the IMF when repayment time came around.

The following was so awful, I just had to share it. Come back TEd!


Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like this, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.(The punchline does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse!).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me,Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked ". Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........

.... I'm a prawn again, Christian...!!!

Max, that was shrimply terrible!

Yup. He deserves a shellacking for it.

Yup. He deserves a shellacking for it.

Oh, no--such a drastic solution is imprawnderable.

Yup. He deserves a shellacking for it.

Oh, no--such a drastic solution is imprawnderable

"Just don't krill him, or you'll be in a whale of a lot of trouble," said Rumpole of the Baleen.

Uh oh. There's something dead fishy about the tone of this thread now! [sniff-sniff -e]

I searched AWAD and didn't find it already posted so here goes.

A man was driving late one night and caught in his headlights was a rabbit. The man tried to swerve to avoid it but the rabbit jumped too, and the man felt the thump. He stopped and got out, and there just in front of the car was the rabbit, dead. Being a wimp, sorry, a compassionate human being, the man started crying. Just then another car drove up, and stopped. The woman driver saw that the man was crying over the dead rabbit and said "Don't worry - I can fix that!" and reached into her handbag (purse in US?), took out an aerosol can, and sprayed the rabbit. After a few seconds the rabbit started moving, shook itself and started hopping down the road, stopping every few feet to turn and wave at them until it disappeared in the distance. "That was amazing!" said the man, "What was in the can?" The woman showed him the label and the man read "Revives Dead Hair, Adds Permanent Wave".

Rod

In the far away land of Trid there lived an ogre. Not just any ogre. This one had size 14 shoes and he was fast. To ease the growing pains when he was young, he learned that he could kick something and it would numb the hurting. He never lost his habit of kicking things, and when he got his first gig of terrorizing the good people of Trid at the Brookin Bridge, it became his signature toll: you may pass but I’m gonna kick you in the ass. Most people thought it was a small price to pay until they got one of those size 14’s up the wazoo. The people would be willing to try the trip once or twice but the people of Trid were basically a lazy bunch, and sitting around on their collective butts hadn't become fun anymore.

One day a rabbi came to town on a pilgrimage and was greeted by apologies about the toll fee. The rabbi responded that he had not paid a fee. Well, the town elders, a bit surprised, went along with the rabbi to see if this had become true. They all walked up to edge of the Brookin Bridge, and the fastest of the elders took a run across the bridge. He barely got half way across and the ogre buzzed out from under and planted a stiff kick on his backside, and just as quickly disappeared. The rabbi ran accross to help the elder up to his feet, and to the ammazement of all else, the ogre did not appear. The rabbi walked to the middle of the bridge and yelled over the side to the ogre “ Why do you allow me to pass unscathed yet no others?” . A tiny voice from the under the bridge proclaimed ”Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids".

(Sound of rummaging off stage.)

Our hero: Drat, misplaced the clippers again.

We are all familiar with the great deeds of Mahatma Ghandi. And it is a well known fact that he used to walk around without shoes, to better understand the suffering of others. As such, over time his feet became very hard. He also went on numerous hunger strikes in protest over the treatment of his people. He hence was very weak and often poorly. And when he did eat, his diet was poor, as he had given away all of his money to help others. Because of his poor diet, he also developed bad breath.

He was a much loved man, and was known to all his friends as ... wait for it ...

a super-calloused fragile mystic with plagues of halitosis.