I got a smile out this. --A.W.


Michael Holden's All Ears
The Guardian, Saturday August 25 2007

I was having the by-now-obligatory "all this no smoking will be the death of us" chat outside a pub in the rain when the conversation turned to the misfortunes of others.

Man 1 "It's been a bad week all round."

Man 2 "What do you mean?"

Man 1 "Well, you know Susie got burgled?"

Man 2 "No, what happened?"

Man 1 "Well, you know, she got burgled. But that's less interesting than what happened after."

Man 2 "What was that?"

Man 1 "Well, she goes to see her neighbour when she realises what's happened and she's in tears. And the bloke goes, 'Well, I didn't hear anything and I've been in all day.' So she goes to him, 'Look mate, my head's in bits, I'm gonna have to go up the shop for some fags and that. Will you watch the gaff for us?' And the bloke goes, 'Oh, you off up the shops? Can you get me a couple of cans of Grolsch?'

Man 2 (Amazed) "Cheeky bastard!"

Man 1 "Aye, just gives her a couple of quid an' expects her to get some tins in right after she been burgled!"

Man 2 "Did she do it?"

Man 1 "'Course she did, she had no choice, did she, if she wanted the fags?"

Man 2 (As though realising something of great importance) "Does the bloke drink a lot?"

Man 1 "Yeah, he's an alcoholic."

Man 2 "Well, that's fair enough, then. He needs booze all the time... her getting burgled's more of a one-off thing."

Man 1 "So that makes it alright?"

Man 2 "Sort of, yeah. Unless it was him who robbed her."

Okay, I'm completely lost on only one UKism in there: "watch the gaff" Does gaff mean a kid? the house/apartment? a pet? Help!!!! :0)

I think I am pretty much lost on most of it. UK-isms and all aside, can someone translate it into "English"?

gaff Noun. 1. Place of residence or work. E.g."My gaff is just around the corner." [1930s]
2. Place. E.g."It was all over the gaff but at least I had a week to clean it up." [UK dictionary of slang, via OneLook]

I guess it was a gaffe to post this without a glossary.

Some of the terms I pulled that I thought were very common

burgled = robbed
bloke = guy/man
mate = friend
head's in bits = distressed
fags and that = smokes n stuff
watch the gaff for us = watch the house (context)
Grolsch = brand of beer (mmm beer)
couple of quid = couple of bucks/pounds
fair enough = sweet as/seems reasonable

All in all, trying to not sound conceited, I'd of thought it was quite clear what was going on. Or, am I missing the point?

I think most of us got all that except some of us had never encountered "gaff" before. We even have Grolsch beer on this side of the pond. "Fags" on the other hand, means something entirely different in the U.S.

I did know all of them except "gaff". I've been to England and Scotland, several times, and have English relatives who come to visit every year. But even with all that experience, I've never heard (or read) it. I'm quite sure there are many others I don't know, so I'll pick them up as they show up! :0)

Pertinent to our thread is this article on slang in general.

Yes I would have mistaken it for a contraction of 'gaffer' - in other words, an old man, probably her senile husband or father, that needed looking after.

A gaffer in the film/TV industry down these parts is usually the guy in charge of lighting. The term stems, as I have have recently found out, from the old English term for the person who would tend to the street lamps using a 'gaff' to reach and snuff out or light the wicks. A gaff after a time became the term given to an old timer given the task of tending the lamps. So, 'Look after the gaff while I go to the shops' could mean 'keep an eye on the old man' Ta.

A 'gaff' in fishing terms is used to hook and lift a fish onto the boat lest you snap your line trying to lift it out of the water.

I would tend to go with Tswums definition though, A place of residence or work.

The terms gaff and gaffe are used in the books by Anne Perry
a sort of Sherlock Holmes in the l800's.

.I should have remembered her works before my previous post,
but reading what followed it, woke me up.