Hi,guys.Thank you for your wonderful advises on my sister's Recommendation Letter!I'd like to ask you guys another big favor.Here's my sister's Personal Statement.Would you guys please proofread it?I'm so glad that i can meet you guys here.Thank you very much!!!!!

here's Personal Statement:

My obsession with the financial world derives from a combination of craving curiosity, parental influence. When I was young, in order to enrich the range of my knowledge I was give to watching CCTV2, the channel for finance and economics which stimulated my interest in this field, and my grandpa who was a banker gave me some guidance in finance, but that is not enough, a systematic and integrated learning is what I need. That is why I choose finance as my major in my undergraduate university since it is located in the financial center of China and possess respectful status in the field of finance.

On campus, through my hard work I have achieved satisfying results in my major courses which has provided a solid foundation for my professional study. Diligent work was finally paid off, I was bestowed with a string of academic awards including First Prize of Finance Knowledge Contest, Second Prize of Financial English Competition, furthermore I was the top 10 in the Undergraduate Essay Contest and won Excellent Student Scholarship.

Meanwhile, I have wisely chosen to participate in various intern programs. Working as a finance analyst assistant in Orient Securities Co., Ltd, one of the largest security companies in China, this experience greatly enhance my ability to convert knowledge into application. During the internship, I was responsible for collecting data and I learned a lot from my colleagues ,which cannot be learned from textbook. During my spare time I taught myself Securities Knowledge including trading and investment and passed the Licensing Examination for Securities Intermediaries, hold by Securities Association of China. In addition, my internship in ICBC exposed me to the real practice of the banking system, from which I acquired valuable pragmatic techniques.

Besides, my university life is spiced up by various extracurricular activities, in which both awards and valuable experience were obtained. The most impressive experience of mine is in World Expo2010 and I was a volunteer of the hottest pavilion, China pavilion. Since most of the tremendous visitors are foreigners, to insure that they get help in need, the pavilion need its staff to possess not only communication skills but also fluent oral English ,which is really a challenge. Besides, as a team leader, I had to unite the team and handle different kinds of problems such as help lost children to find their parents, offer the disabled special help and deal with some emergency events. Thanks to our team members` talent and effort, we won the best team award.

However, through learning and working during my college years, I realized the urgent need to further study because of a higher ambitious and the insatiable desire for knowledge. After studying the information provided on your university’s website, I know I will gain a systematic professional knowledge and the extensive experience that I am looking for. Besides, the courses of the program are in accordance with my career plan. I wish you could give me such a chance to pursue my career goal.

Hi
Your sister is an impressive young woman, Wow. Her original letter is completely understandable and her vocabulary is excellent even for a native speaker of English. I have offered some suggestions for a more common usage of words and corrected some small errors of tense or grammar.
I hope I am in time responding, I have been away for a while.


here's Personal Statement:

My obsession with the financial world derives from a combination of craving curiosity (or craving knowledge) and parental influence. When I was young, in order to enrich the range of my knowledge I was given to watching CCTV2, the channel for finance and economics which stimulated my interest in this field. My grandfather who was a banker also gave me some guidance in finance, but that is not enough, a systematic and integrated learning is what I need. That is why I choose finance as my major in my undergraduate university which is located in the financial center of China and possesses a good reputation (or "a very good reputation") respectful status in the field of finance.

On campus, through my hard work I have achieved satisfying results in my major courses which has have provided a solid foundation for my professional study. Diligent work was finally paid off, I was bestowed with a string of academic awards including First Prize of Finance Knowledge Contest, Second Prize of Financial English Competition and the Excellent Student Scholarship. Furthermore I was in the top 10 in the Undergraduate Essay Contest.

Meanwhile, I have wisely chosen to participate in various intern programs. Working as a finance analyst assistant in Orient Securities Co., Ltd, one of the largest security companies in China this experience greatly enhanced my ability to convert knowledge into application. During the internship, I was responsible for collecting data and I learned a lot from my colleagues (,)which cannot be learned from a textbook. During my spare time I taught myself Securities Knowledge including trading and investment and passed the Licensing Examination for Securities Intermediaries, held by the Securities Association of China. In addition, my internship in ICBC (consider spelling out the whole words rather than using initials since you haven't used initials elsewhere)exposed me to the real practice of the banking system, from which I acquired valuable pragmatic techniques.

Besides, my university life is spiced up by various extracurricular activities, in which both awards and valuable experience were obtained. The most impressive experience of mine is in World Expo2010 and I was a volunteer of the hottest pavilion, China pavilion. Since most of the tremendous visitors were foreigners, to insure that they got the help they needed the pavilion needed its staff to possess not only communication skills but also fluent oral English, which is really a challenge. Besides, as a team leader, I had to unite the team and handle different kinds of problems such as help lost children to find their parents, offer the disabled special help and deal with some emergency events. Thanks to our team members' talent and effort, we won the best team award. (Great sentance,recognizing the other people shows excellent teamwork skills.)

However, through learning and working during my college years, I realized the urgent need for further study because of a higher ambition and the insatiable desire for knowledge. After studying the information provided on your university’s website, I know I will gain a systematic professional knowledge and the extensive experience that I am looking for. Besides, the courses of the program are in accordance with my career plan. I wish you could hope you will give me such a this chance to pursue my career goals.
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