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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 14
stranger
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OP
stranger
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 14 |
The "odd press" thread brought to mind an email I once received containing a whole host of outrageous quotes taken from actual court transcripts, which quotes would bring a smile to the face of even the most poker-faced jurist. To wit:
Attorney: "Your Honor, I strenuously object!"
Judge: "Don't hurt yourself, Counselor."
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Attorney, questioning witness: "Was he dead when he spoke to you?"
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Attorney, reading along as opposing counsel quotes from letter in evidence: "Your honor, I object...I lost my place."
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Attorney, questioning witness: "Did you visit the woman's house while you were in jail?"
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Judge: "Counselor, where are you going with this?"
Attorney: "Back to the table."
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Judge, to clearly addled witness: "Sir, do you know where you are and why you're here?"
Witness: "Well, I know I'm not in Kansas anymore."
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Judge: "Counselor, control your client or else."
Attorney: "You're honor, he's not my client."
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Attorney, questioning witness: "Were you in the car while you were driving?"
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Attorney Smith: "Your Honor, I don't like the way Mr. Booth is questioning my client."
Judge: "Mr. Smith, I don't like your suit."
Would anyone care to add a few quotes in this vein?
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
While appearing as a witness in regard to a traffic accident, I was asked to describe what I saw. For some reason, several attempts to speak came out sounding like Casey Stengel on a bad day. I paused, took a deep breath, turned to Judge Heaton, and said, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, I seem to be tang toungled." The following day there was a small blurb in the newspaper headlined, "Hudge Jeaton surprised at hourt cearing."
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 3,065
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 3,065 |
There is a story of an eminent judge still completely baffled after a counsel's lengthy explanation of some complex manner who said "I'm sorry, but I'm none the wiser." The counsel replied, "No, my Lord, but a great deal better informed."
Bingley
Bingley
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146 |
This one came to me from a former colleague who was a court reporter. Zild has this lovely group of agents for social betterment called The Mongrel Mob. Monday morning always saw a fairly large number of these delightful people gracing the dock in the Magistrates Court on various charges falling mostly within the range of attempted murder up to drunken driving, the offences having been committed during the previous 48 hours. Some of them had spent two nights and a day in the police cells, although I'm not sure whether this materially added to their general stench. Washing wasn't high on their daily agendas.
The Mob members were such frequent customers that it was more like a social club than a courtroom, and the magistrates had long since given up trying to control events beyond the bare minimum on Mondays. Lawyers on legal aid (free representation) duty hated it. Junior lawyers were easily intimidated by the Mob members, but then they were also scared silly of the judge, the court officials, the prosecuting police sergeant, the press and anyone who happened to be in the public gallery. It was a real madhouse.
Anyway, one Monday morning, a rather heavily-tattooed, greasy-haired, leather-jacket-with-patch wearing Mongrel was in the dock on a charge of assault with intent. He'd bottled someone in the pub next door to the Magistrates Court, and which was coincidentally in the same city block as the police station, the prison and the newspaper. The was best known, affectionately, as the "The Flying Jug". It was mostly patronised (at different times of the day) by court workers, police, newspaper journalists and printers, and the Mob.
The legal aid oik had been thoroughly intimidated by his client, who was insisting on pleading innocent in spite of the fact that the cops had basically caught him with the bottle in his opponent's face. You will understand that the police sergeant had just read a summary of the charge, including the fact that a constable removed the bottle from the defendant's hand with blood dripping from it.
The lawyer had trouble finding his voice, so the unconvicted felon answered for him, "Not guilty, sir, he deserved it!".
The magistrate rolled his eyes and said, "Yes, I understand that to some people it is perfectly acceptable behaviour to smash the bottom out of a bottle and then proceed to carry out bar-room surgery on one's enemies' faces."
The Mob member smiled brightly and winked at his unwilling counsel. "See?" he said, "Told you it'd be all right if you said I was innocent!"*
He got six months.
*Can't swear, after all this time, to the exact wording.
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 157
member
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member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 157 |
I heard one about a lawyer who was questioning a doctor. It went something like this:
Lawyer: "Did you take the man's pulse before you pronounced him dead?"
Doctor: "No, I did not."
"Did you check for breathing or a heartbeat?"
"No, I did not."
"So, it was possible that the patient was still alive!"
"No."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Well, his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
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