Wordsmith.org: the magic of words

Wordsmith Talk

About Us | What's New | Search | Site Map | Contact Us  

Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#6905 09/25/00 02:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
My Dad and I share a slightly wacky sense of humour (just as well we don't often need it at the same time ) - and a frequent source of amusement has been found on instruction sheets on modern products. For example, I love the brusque independence of pill bottles which command you to
Line up the arrows and push off

And surely this is general wisdom which we ignore at our peril? -
Keep away from small children

What are the examples others have encountered?


#6906 09/25/00 03:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
R
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
Tear along the dotted line has always conjured the vision of small insects practising for sprint races along the tops of corn-flakes packets.
There are also plenty of other salutary warnings about children - Beware. children at play has a decidedly ominous note.


#6907 09/25/00 07:03 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 218
B
enthusiast
Offline
enthusiast
B
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 218
Beware. children at play has a decidedly ominous note.

The lack of punctuation on signs enables the "children at Play" warning to take an even more ominous turn when it is "Slow Children at Play."


#6908 09/25/00 08:01 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
I've always been fond of Curb Your Dog and Soft Shoulder , as well as the afore- and elsewhere-mentioned Mind Your Head.


#6909 09/25/00 08:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
M
enthusiast
Offline
enthusiast
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
Continuing the road theme, the highway sign "CYCLISTS USE LEFT SHOULDER" has been confounding riders of deadly treadlies here for some time.


#6910 09/25/00 08:36 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
M
enthusiast
Offline
enthusiast
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
and a frequent source of amusement has been found on instruction sheets on modern products.

Instructions translated from another language have traditionally been a great source of these, although I think they've lifted their game a tad. Somewhere I have (or had) a long list of them. Only one springs to mind immediately:

Product not to be used outside or inside.


#6911 09/26/00 12:05 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
Way off-topic, but Marty reminds me of one of my favorite things: funny translations. Here's one web site:
http://anotherlanguage.com/funny.htm


#6912 09/26/00 12:44 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Ha!- some lovely ones, thanks!

I came across a drink container recently that admonished me to
Stand upright in a cool place

which seems to confirm a similar view:
Do not stand in direct sunlight

My dad reminds me of the instruction which made him think of Jonah and the whale:
If accidentally swallowed, consult a doctor
Fair enough - sounds good advice (is there a sturgeon in the house?)
Concerning swallowing, I like the beer bottle that comands:
Remove cap before swallowing
- how do they know what I'm wearing!

On the general 'road' theme I have seen
Joe's Body Works
which must be reassuring!

And the local UK roadworks sign (which-may-not-translate-if-you-are-reading-this-in-a-country-without-glass-reflectors-in-the-roads) which offered the rather cruella
Cats' Eyes Removed

But the animals get their own back: I have seen a sign on a gate warning visitors:
Dog Loose Inside!


#6913 09/26/00 02:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542
Clive (from Oz) reminds all of the sign in the Budapest hotel lobby:

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable."



#6914 09/26/00 03:16 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
(is there a sturgeon in the house?)
Concerning swallowing, I like the beer bottle that comands:
Remove cap before swallowing
- how do they know what I'm wearing!


I love it, mav! Esp. the sturgeon!
Re: the cap--I thought maybe that meant to remove the cap so you don't swallow the bottle along with the cap! ;-)

--------------------------------------------------------
A bit off-topic (or maybe a bit-off topic!) is the billboard I saw some time ago, advertising the
Dip & Drip Pool Company. Odd names those owners have.





#6915 09/26/00 06:02 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
>Tear along the dotted line
In my younger days I owned two chow dogs, both of whom had impressive manes and were a little crazed. I called them Signon the Dotty Lion and Tearon the Dotty Lion.

Today I have only one dog, Boxer Shorts.



TEd
#6916 09/26/00 06:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
>the instruction which made him think of Jonah and the whale:

Few people know that when Jonah was delivered up from the whale he was immediately swallowed by a gigantic chicken. Thus we have the phrase, "out of leviathan into the fryer."



TEd
#6917 09/26/00 07:38 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
M
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
On the general 'road' theme I have seen
Joe's Body Works which must be reassuring!


This reminded me of my high school English teacher, who suggested to her her husband, a pharmacist that his store's slogan should be: "We Dispense with Accuracy."



#6918 09/27/00 07:47 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
J
jmh Offline
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
J
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
I don't know if any other country has the stickers on the back of the car which say something like -
"Drive carefully - baby on board!"

I've always taken this to mean - as for the rest of you - drive how you like, you are totally dispensable!


#6919 09/27/00 09:02 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
> :"We Dispense with Accuracy."

Hah!!

And that reminds me of when my first child was on the way and my wife and I were looking through a mail-order catalogue from Mothercare (a UK chainstore). It was only when we got to the small print that my wife got alarmed at the warning:
Allow 28 days for delivery


#6920 09/27/00 10:43 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
B
addict
Offline
addict
B
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
I grew up with the sinister 'lollipop ladies' - dear old sweeties who hung around outside schools supposedly controlling traffic, but bearing placards that proclaimed their true intent:
STOP CHILDREN


#6921 09/27/00 10:47 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
B
addict
Offline
addict
B
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
...and since my fellow gutter-dweller is reading this thread, I have to mention the street sign I used to drive past in West London:

SLOW! Hump in road

Not an instruction I ever obeyed...


#6922 09/27/00 11:25 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
my fellow gutter-dweller

Oh, OH! You-all are making me laugh so hard, tears are in
my eyes! This is GREAT!

You-all know what? There could be some interesting combinations: e.g., hump in road--dispense with accuracy.


#6923 09/27/00 04:20 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
SLOW! Hump in road

Not an instruction I ever obeyed...


Wonderful!! Thank you Bridget.

I will not deign to make play with your name in the circumstances...


#6924 09/28/00 07:33 AM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
R
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
I'm always fascinated by the sign often seen beside large construction sites: "BEWARE. HEAVY PLANT CROSSING"

I have kept my eyes peeled for a Triffid or an Ent - or even a huorn - but so far have only seen JCBs and bulldozers.


#6925 09/28/00 11:33 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
>I have kept my eyes peeled for a Triffid or an Ent

You have ents on that side of the pond too? Ours over here tend to be a bit out of control most of the time.

Ted wanders off whistling "Ent Misbehaving"



TEd
#6926 09/28/00 11:46 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 218
B
enthusiast
Offline
enthusiast
B
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 218
Ted wanders off whistling "Ent Misbehaving"

Oh, I would have expected "ENt Misbehaving"


#6927 09/28/00 12:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
R
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
Ent Misbehaving

It is patently obvious that it is their parents that are to blame. They should have recognized that misbehaviour is a latent tendent-cy.


#6928 09/28/00 01:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,027
old hand
Offline
old hand
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,027
>Oh, I would have expected "ENt Misbehaving"<
Eh, sorry, would you mind letting me in on this? Maybe I am not the only puzzled foreigner reading this board..






#6929 09/28/00 02:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
R
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
TEd carries a promise of double capitalisation of words.


#6930 09/28/00 02:38 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
puzzled foreigner

But at least we're in a polite company, wsieber. I can still remember the shock as a naive 20-something to find myself greeted in Nu Yoick as an alien - have a nice day, now!

Which I guess is one of the reasons I still respond to the Sting song along the same theme. Speaking of which brings me to a monde (but not a full one): a friend used to swear this song's lyrics contained the immortal poetry "I'm a Luther Aryan, I'm an Aryan in New York"


#6931 09/28/00 03:50 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Well, I was puzzled, but not alienated, by "monde". My first thought it was the French word for world. Then I finally remembered mondegreen. And yep, all visitors/
residents from outside the U.S. are "aliens", to some officials, unless they obtain citizenship, as far as I know.


#6932 09/28/00 06:58 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
>Well, I was puzzled, but not alienated, by "monde". My first thought it was the French word for world. Then I finally remembered mondegreen. And yep, all visitors/residents from outside the U.S. are "aliens", to some officials, unless they obtain citizenship, as far as I know.

My wife is an attorney who has filed a class action law suit to allow all of the aliens in the US to move to a special cantonment in the United States where they can practice free love. Truly she is suing for alien nation of affection.



TEd
#6933 09/28/00 08:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
M
enthusiast
Offline
enthusiast
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
>I have kept my eyes peeled for a Triffid or an Ent
You have ents on that side of the pond too?


Back-tracking a bit because of the time zone differences, but I think over Max Q's way an ent would live in an enthill and be eaten by an enteater.

Come in, Max!


#6934 09/28/00 08:58 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
M
enthusiast
Offline
enthusiast
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
I have kept my eyes peeled for a Triffid or an Ent - or even a huorn - but so far have only seen JCBs and bulldozers.

JCB's?? (or JCBs is you prefer). Where is this expression used? US? UK? I'm not into roadmaking in a big way, but I'd never run into it before (sorry!). From my 45 seconds of research it would appear that JCB is a manufacturing company for earthmoving equipment whose name has made the jump into ordinary usage (see recent AWAD weekly theme etc). Caterpillars and D9s here, yes, but not JCB's.



#6935 09/29/00 09:53 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 460
P
addict
Offline
addict
P
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 460
I'm trying to remember bits of Gerard Hoffnung's hilarious talk to the Oxford Union in which he quotes some replies from hotelkeepers regarding bookings. I'll hunt through my collection for the original 10-inch LP [remember them?] and post them here over the weekend. Any other Hoffnung fans out there?


#6936 09/29/00 12:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
other Hoffnung fans out there

YES

...we live by a precipice, and do hope you will drop in
... a french widow in every room

Please do post!


#6937 09/29/00 04:38 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Caterpillars and D9s here, yes, but not JCB's...

Well, actually they are pretty much in evidence all over the world, but started out as a small UK agricultural machinery firm, founded by Mr JC Bamford. Here's their corporate blurb:

“Since being established in 1945 by Joseph Cyril Bamford, JCB has become the fifth largest manufacturer of construction equipment in the world by volume.
Growing from a small lock-up garage in Staffordshire to seven UK factory sites, a joint venture manufacturing plant in India, eight subsidiary sales companies and eleven regional offices around the world, JCB is one of Britain’s most impressive success stories. The company now produces a wide range of machines for use in construction, industrial and agricultural applications.
One of the key factors in JCB’s outstanding success is the constant pursuit of new ideas. The first major innovation was the backhoe loader for which JCB is now world market leader. It was followed by the JCB Loadall, the world’s No.1 telescopic handler; the JCB Robot, the world’s safest skid steer; and the JCB Fastrac, the world’s first truly high speed tractor.
The full range of products - backhoe loaders, telescopic handlers, wheeled loaders, mini excavators, skid steer loaders, rough terrain forklifts, tracked and wheeled excavators and the JCB high speed tractor are sold throughout the world. “

See the full glory including a virtual tour of some headquarters building:
http://www.jcb.co.uk/index1.htm

The local Anglo-Welsh usage where I live is to call the backhoe a "Jack Codi Bawr", which roughly translates as Jack Earth Mover - something quite friendly-sounding, like Jack of all trades. So did the earth move for you?



#6938 09/29/00 06:09 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
J
jmh Offline
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
J
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
JCB's become very important when one has small children. I have known friends drive their children miles off route (pronounced root, as you may know) because they thought they might see a JCB.

First words - dada, mama, tractor, JCB!


#6939 09/30/00 05:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
First words - dada, mama, tractor, JCB!

Horribly true, all of it! And my 12 year old son has just rubbed my nose in it by disdainfully correcting my Welsh: "Jac Codi Baw, Daaad! There's no K in Welsh." So now you all know - there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a seperate language but even has a different alphabet! Here endeth the lesson.


#6940 09/30/00 09:26 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
J
jmh Offline
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
J
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
>there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a separate language but even has a different alphabet!

As I once lived in Wales I know what you mean! I await further instructions from Scotland as I have never heard JBC pronounced here. In England J=jay like lay, in Scotland J=jai to rhyme with high.


#6941 10/01/00 08:38 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 460
P
addict
Offline
addict
P
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 460
Thanks Maverick. As foreshadowed, I have transcribed some gems from Gerard Hoffnung’s talk at the Oxford Union in 1958 which included the hilarious ‘bricklayer’s story’ and some replies received from Tyrolean landlords to letters seeking accommodation. For best effect, these should be read aloud, in a declamatory voice, to a responsive audience:

- I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have here not bedroom with bath, but bathroom with bed I have. I can, though, give you a washing, with pleasure, in a most clean spring with no person to see. I insist that you will like this.

- I am amazing diverted by your entreaty for a room. I can offer you a commodious chamber with balcony imminent to the romantic gorge, and I hope you want to drop in.

- A vivacious stream washes my doorstep, so do not concern yourself that I am not too good in bath, I am superb in bed.

- Sorrowfully, I cannot abide your auto.

- Having freshly taken over the proprietary of this notorious house, I am wishful that you remove to me your esteemed costume. Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every bedroom – affording delightful prospects. I give personal look to the interior wants of each guest. Here you shall be well fed up and agreeably drunk. Our charges for weekly visitors are scarcely creditable. Peculiar arrangements for gross parties. Our motto is ‘Ever serve you right’.



#6942 10/01/00 03:38 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
B
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
B
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a seperate language but even has a different alphabet!

I agree with you there. In my high school years we had a drama teacher from England who, on one fateful day, startled the class by asking a student to make the sound of a cock. Here in Canada a cock is not a male chicken but a protruding part of the male anatomy. Thirty awestruck students watched as one, very red-faced, fellow got up and went pssssssssssss. The sad part is that she started arguing about it, saying, "that was NOT the sound of a cock, I want a cock, a cock, don't you know what a cock is." Picture it...thirty 14 year olds (mention cock once in high school and you have a disturbance, several times and it is havoc). A bit high strung that teacher, she left soon after. Sad really.

Oh and to get back to original point. I live in Quebec, Canada where it is mandatory to have both French and English on everything, with French featured first. Public pools are identified with this dubious sign <PISCINE POOL> (pronounce "PISS IN POOL". I never go there.


#6943 10/02/00 04:47 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 3,065
B
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
B
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 3,065
Reminds me of the time when I was about the same age, and Monty Python's Gumbies were all the rage. Our physics teacher (a woman of about forty) delighted us all by saying to one lad who had the rolled up trousers and handkerchief headgear appropriate to the part "Get your trousers down properly." She was a good sport though and curled up with laughter herself when she realised what she'd said.

Bingley


Bingley
#6944 10/03/00 09:03 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
M
enthusiast
Offline
enthusiast
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
Public pools are identified with this dubious sign <PISCINE POOL> (pronounce "PISS IN POOL". I never go there.


Reminds me of the way I was taught to spell some words, eg:

PSALM - silent P, as in pool


#6945 10/03/00 10:38 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
silent P, as in pool

For more intricacies of how and how not to introduce unwelcome p into your language, try:

http://reality.sgi.com/relph/humor/chaos.html

And now I come to look back again, Jo, I cannot help but notice the general drift of your phonetics: Jay, Lay, High... Ah, a child of the sixties


#6946 10/03/00 11:21 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
I have seen signs you can buy that say:
Welcome to our ool: you'll notice there's no p in it,
and we'd like to keep it that way.


#6947 10/04/00 12:34 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
M
enthusiast
Offline
enthusiast
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 347
..And a belated thanks, Maverick, for your explanation of JCBs. You learn something every day. I'll pay more attention to bulldozer-like thingies than I used to.


#6948 10/05/00 08:22 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Back to thread, bear:

I was reminded last night of the large sign on the grass approach to Newport Boat Club, where I go every week to play bridge:

Keep Dogs on Leads - No Bicycles

which presumably lets the fishes off the hook


#6949 10/05/00 09:48 AM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
R
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
Back to thread, bear

Reminds me of my ancient and tattered Teddy, who is called Fred.

I received a large envelope through my small letter-box yesterday, which the postman had used to demonstrate the falsity of the legend that it bore:-
PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT BEND


#6950 10/05/00 10:16 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
J
jmh Offline
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
J
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
>PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT BEND

On front of envelope: PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT BEND
Scrawled note from postal worker: Oh yes they do!


#6951 10/10/00 10:46 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
B
addict
Offline
addict
B
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
A little off-track, but we recently received an 'Induction Manual' at work. Quite apart from the fact that I am not sure I really want to induce new employees, I was confused by the instruction to:

'Establish work-station and explain stationary system.'


#6952 10/10/00 10:50 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
B
addict
Offline
addict
B
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
(I am at last going to succumb and knowingly post separate posts to get my count up there... )

Noticed in the Post Office the other day:

'Shop stealing is a crime. Offenders will be prosecuted.'

Has anyone ever seen someone trying to steal a shop?


#6953 10/10/00 10:52 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
B
addict
Offline
addict
B
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
...and why do banks, buidling societies, phone companies and other corporate robbers never heed the common exhortation to 'Post no bills'???

(I suppose if they did there would never be anything in my letterbox )


#6954 10/10/00 12:34 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
J
jmh Offline
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
J
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
I suppose they got fed up of looking for Bill Posters. I never knew why they were always so keen to prosecute him, he's probably a really nice chap and awfully hurt when he sees the sign:

Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted


#6955 10/10/00 12:53 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,027
old hand
Offline
old hand
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,027
Which one do you mean, the grand-father, the father or the son?


#6956 10/10/00 02:13 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
explain stationary system

Lovely, Bridget!

And if each gem takes a separate post…



#6957 10/10/00 02:14 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
post

So



#6958 10/10/00 02:14 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
So

Be




#6959 10/10/00 02:15 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Be

It!



#6960 10/12/00 07:39 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
B
addict
Offline
addict
B
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
Mav, I hope you're ashamed of yourself!!! That was a truly Olympian distortion of ideals - and you got us both into trouble too. S'pose now you'll say I started it???

(BTW isn't marking 'I' up into italics a great combination of keystrokes. If anything coudl give me dyslexia....)


#6961 10/12/00 08:43 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
J
jmh Offline
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
J
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
>and you got us both into trouble too

The problem is, on this subject, whois able to throw the first stone?!!!!


#6962 10/17/00 03:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
R
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
Whoever doesn't live in the glass-house?


#6963 10/18/00 09:12 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
B
addict
Offline
addict
B
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
>Whoever doesn't live in the glass-house?<

Reminds me of the African chief (I forget his full name), who fell in love with not only numerous African women but also Western style furniture. So he bought each of his numerous wives an imposing chair to sit in on state occasions. And an even more imposing one for himself, of course - a vertiable monument of carved and inlaid wood.
All went well until his love for his numerous wives led to numerous children, so many that there was no room in the house! The chieftain sadly decided that he would have to move some of the furniture out, but he couldn't bear the thought of parting with it. He puzzled and puzzled over this, then at last struck on another Western idea - an attic to store the chairs in until his youngsters were grown.

Unfortunately his knowledge of architectural priciples was limited - no one had ever told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


#6964 10/18/00 10:13 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Bridget--

As soon as I read your first six words, I thought, "Oh,
goody!" And I was right! That was a good one!
Now I'll wait and see if Ted comes on and tries to better it! Hmm--think I'll send him a personal challenge. Man,
you-all crack me up with these!


#6965 10/18/00 02:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
R
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Well, Bridget, that seems in principle to be similar to the troupe of acrobats from Northern Spain who developed a spectacular display that involved them all appearing from (apparently) the same spot at the same moment and instantaneously forming a human pyramid.
To create this illusaion they had to be crammed into one small space to start off, and the only suitable hidy-hole was the Way Out.

Unfortunately, as the waited for their cue, a large vehicle, out of control, crashed into that bit of the Big Top, crushing them all.
Which served them right for putting all their Basques in one Exit.



#6966 05/11/02 01:13 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
From The New Scientist (27 April 02)

Each separate 21-day blister pack of the contraceptive pill Marvelon comes in an individual foiled wrapper with the wording "Child resistant pack"




#6967 03/27/05 12:29 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Barry Cryer today on Radio 4:

"There was a packet of sausages with a picture of Antony Worrall Thompson, and the legend underneath said: Prick With a Fork!"

http://www.awtonline.co.uk/welcome.asp


#6968 03/27/05 01:00 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Hmmm. Never heard of one with more than a single shaft.



TEd
#6969 03/27/05 01:09 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
By the way, this was a real blast from long ago. Did anyone except me notice there was an unexpurgated Max Quordlepleen post or two?



TEd
#6970 03/30/05 09:29 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 96
A
journeyman
Offline
journeyman
A
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 96
There are directions and instructions. Combine them : Destructions!


#6971 03/30/05 09:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 96
A
journeyman
Offline
journeyman
A
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 96
Sign at a quick oil change shop: we supply wipers,mufflers, cat coverters, etc. I have a cat because I WANT a cat!


#6972 03/30/05 11:10 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
That reminds me of the sign frequently seen this side of the pond, in the rest rooms area of public buildings:

Baby changing facility

yeah, swop 'em for something useful, mom, they smell :)


#6973 03/31/05 01:38 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 500
E
addict
Offline
addict
E
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 500
My sister took a photograph of a sign she saw in Ireland. It was a homemade sign, posted beside the road, and it warned:

Powerful slow ducks

Maybe they were JCB ducks?


#6974 03/31/05 01:56 PM
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,692
D
dxb Offline
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
D
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,692
Years ago there was a pub in a Sussex village called Sompting and the sign to it read "Standon Inn Sompting". Unfortunately the inn is no more - it was converted from a public into a private house.

A road on the Isle of Wight climbs up a steep hill to form the stem of a T juction. The signpost on the road forming the crosspiece of the T carries two notices pointing in diametrically opposite directions. One reads "Way to Station", the other reads "Easier Way to Station". For some reason this has always struck me as highly funny.


#6975 03/31/05 02:19 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Here's my contribution. Many of the others at this web site are pretty funny or odd as well.

http://signsoflife.goose24.org/?sign=24



TEd
#6976 03/31/05 08:25 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 500
E
addict
Offline
addict
E
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 500
Once when I made a visit to Ottawa, the friend with whom I was staying took me on a little drive to Parliament Hill. On the road by the Parliament buildings there is a stop sign. Right next to it is one of those parking-rules signs that says "No stopping at any time".
Of course, this IS Ottawa......


#6977 04/01/05 03:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,439
W
wow Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
W
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,439
Drat! Ted beat me to it Here's another
http://signsoflife.goose24.org/?sign=65


#6978 04/01/05 05:27 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 96
A
journeyman
Offline
journeyman
A
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 96
In a northside Chicago park; Dogs riding bicycles and skateboarding forbidden. Too bad, I'd like to have seen that.


#6979 04/01/05 06:17 PM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
I
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
I
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
Pinned to the derrier of the passenger on a Harley Davidson driving up the NY Throughway, a store-bought sign reading "Baby On Board"


#6980 04/01/05 10:49 PM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
I
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
I
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
For how much?

It may be rice beer to you, but it's sake to me.

SPLASH!!

It may be a wall plug to you, but it's a socket to me.

SPLASH.

It may be a bike gear to you, but it's a sprocket to me.

SPLASH!

It may be HH Munro to you, but it's Saki to me.

SPLASH!

He may be a heavy-weight boxing champ to you, but he's a Sharkey to me.

SPLASH!

Gosh, I miss Laugh-in. Even after all these years.



TEd
#6982 04/02/05 03:13 AM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 500
E
addict
Offline
addict
E
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 500
It may be Expo 70 to you, but it's Osaka to me!
Splash!

Laugh-In was the first indication of a generation gap between me and my husband. He remembers the half-hour truncated reruns - I was around for the first season, and actually ALLOWED to stay up to watch it!


#6983 04/02/05 03:17 AM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
I
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
I
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
I remember laugh in well enough, but not this routine.

They tried a rerun several years ago and, although we used to laugh hysterically, it just didn't work anymore for me. Ah well.


Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
My favorite "sock it to me" line from Laugh-In was when Nixon came back on and said "Ok, you can stop now."


#6985 04/02/05 02:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Fong:

Are you sure about that one? I watched Laugh-In religiously, and I clearly remember Nixon while a candidate saying "Sock it to ME?"

But I'm not real sure he ever appeaed ont he show again. Google revealed only the appearance in Sep 1968.

But it's a helluva good line anyway!

TEd



TEd
#6986 04/10/05 04:31 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
B
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
B
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
In the same vein...

I just bought some new exercise clothing. One of the shirts, made in Malasia, has on its laundering tags ''do not wash, do not dry-clean'' and no other laundering instructions. Seems it would be pretty rank after a while.

I don't know what they meant to say, but I washed it and it is perfectly fine.


#6987 04/10/05 06:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
> it would be pretty rank after a while

Seems about right for something made in Malaise :)


#6988 04/10/05 11:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
B
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
B
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
O.K. mister snooty-buns, I fixed my typo.


#6989 04/11/05 12:07 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
oh, I had just assumed that was a French version! No snootiness possibly intended to you, sweet thing ;)


#6990 04/15/05 12:54 AM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
What I miss most about Laugh-In is Judy Carne's million-dollar legs. ...and Goldie Hawn's bikini dances, and (more seriously) "How'ja like a nice walnetto?" 'n' "Here come da judge!" You bet your sweet bippy, you can look it up in your Funk'n'Wagnells...

SIGNS:

The first time I saw that DRUG FREE SCHOOL ZONE sign I thought, "Is that as opposed to a School Free Drug
Zone?" Really.

Say "good-night", Dick.
"Good-night, Dick."


#6991 04/15/05 11:54 AM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 500
E
addict
Offline
addict
E
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 500
We rented "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" and noticed that the little warning banner said "Simulated scenes of Sci-fi violence and brief mild language", Which made us wonder what, precisely, they were warning us about. That the whole thing wasn't obscenities, be warned, but contained brief sections of mild language? (Turns out it was "nipples" in a subtitle).
I never see "Sci-fi" without remembering Spider Robinson's assertion that it is the plural of "scum-fum"


#6992 04/15/05 11:01 PM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
I never see "Sci-fi" without remembering Spider Robinson's assertion that it is the plural of "scum-fum"

What declension is *that?!


#6993 04/15/05 11:45 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
M
Carpal Tunnel
OP Offline
Carpal Tunnel
M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Future imperfect


#6994 04/16/05 11:31 AM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Future imperfect

Naw. That'd be scuimus-fuimus.


#6995 04/16/05 06:53 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Dental? Or should we take the Fifth?



TEd
#6996 04/16/05 07:27 PM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661
"The fifth declension" was a pop group in the 60's. They had a huge hit called "Up, up and awaei"


#6997 04/16/05 10:50 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
The WHO?



TEd
#6998 04/17/05 02:24 AM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
I
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
I
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
No, the WHO's on first declension.


#6999 05/09/05 07:52 AM
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
C
journeyman
Offline
journeyman
C
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
I'm not sure whether this is to the topic, but it also sounds a little funny: Here on the side of the road stands a billboard which bears a few big words: Don't look at me, look at your way!

I’m learning English. If u find anywhere I can improve my composition, Pls do let me know. Bow.


Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English.
#7000 05/09/05 09:24 AM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
That is pretty funny, calli. It's telling you not to do what billboards are made to make you do.


Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Jackie 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Statistics
Forums16
Topics13,912
Posts229,283
Members9,179
Most Online3,341
Dec 9th, 2011
Newest Members
TRIALNERRA, befuddledmind, KILL_YOUR_SUV, Heather_Turey, Standy
9,179 Registered Users
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 444 guests, and 3 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Top Posters(30 Days)
Top Posters
wwh 13,858
Faldage 13,803
Jackie 11,613
tsuwm 10,542
wofahulicodoc 10,510
LukeJavan8 9,916
AnnaStrophic 6,511
Wordwind 6,296
of troy 5,400
Disclaimer: Wordsmith.org is not responsible for views expressed on this site. Use of this forum is at your own risk and liability - you agree to hold Wordsmith.org and its associates harmless as a condition of using it.

Home | Today's Word | Yesterday's Word | Subscribe | FAQ | Archives | Search | Feedback
Wordsmith Talk | Wordsmith Chat

© 1994-2024 Wordsmith

Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5