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enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2001
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Esmeralda's ghost watched her former lover, then Esmeralda, picking up her ghost and replacing it in her purse said, "Ya see dear - the old fake ghost trick - it works everytime. I can now see what yer at. It's not me yer after, but me semi-breeves and all thet sorta stuff. Well, let me tall ya this - ya wouldn't know a colon if it hit ya in the bowls. Ya don't know yer aitches from yer helbow.
I'm leaven ya Buster. Of course, it's not you, it's me. I miss the heady old days readen books and stuff back in me little hovel of a run-down cottage yoke."
With that, there was a knock on the door, and the old gypsy woman hobbled over ta answer it...
(Grate work, Bear...Ed)
(Thanks Boss...Ted)
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Joined: Nov 2001
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279 |
..and the old gypsy woman hobbled over ta answer it...
"OPEN UP, OLD WOMAN! THIS IS THE AWAD POLICE," was the shout what greeted her as she was about ta place her knobbly hand on the knob.
"Oh dear, calamity!" she shrieked. "What am I supposed ta have done?"
"We'll give it ta ya straight, Missus," came the gruff reply. "Furst ya attempt ta muder the story, then ya try ta cover up yer tracks by posten twice. What's more, there's been a terrable miscarraige of typos and yer not an old gypsy woman but rather an old tipsy woman."
"Have mercy," she sobbed pittifully. "I'm only a poor widda woman. I only drink ta block out the pain of liven. Me sick Auntie is in hospital waiten on a fierce complicated operation. I'm a nice old woman really. I fought in two World Wars. I've fierce trouble with me bunions. I was grate looken in me day. Me liver is gone. Please have mercy on me," she implored. "I'm innocent, I tells ya. Innocent!"
Moved by her distressen sobs, the AWAD Squad broke down.
the door. "And now ye've added goen over the 200 words ta the list of charges."
"It wasn't me! It wasn't me!" she pleaded. "It was me pesky little teddy bear. I rue the day I gave him that red crayon fer his burthday.
"Aw save it fer the Judge, ya drunken oul hussy. Buck her Dano."
Meanwhile...
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old hand
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OP
old hand
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,094 |
Meanwhile...
in a quaint suburb of Rio de Janiero, a small, mop-headed British boy hopped off his bicycle and ran up the grassy hill to his father's luxurious mansion. The boy's name was Alfred and he was eight years old. Early in the morning, every morning, he would sneak out of his father's house and ride his bike to the golden beaches of the South Atlantic where he would skip stones just as the sun was rising over the endless waters before him. He had visited this shore many times in his life, and he had acquired, through this quiet time of peaceful rumination, a wisdom far beyond his years.
It was from this activity that he was speeding home in the meanwhile. (He was running up the grassy hill.) He reached the house, pulled open the large mahogany door and . . .
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Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146 |
He reached the house, pulled open the large mahogany door and ...
His father, Ronnie Biggs, swooped on him and picked him up, at the same time slamming the door in the face of the 22-year-old beautiful monokini-clad Brazilian girl who was standing there, panting from the run. Ronnie carried his son through the house to the bathroom and dumped him, still wearing his shorts, in the shower cubicle.
"Wash yourself you little devil!" he snarled. "How many times have I told you that the Copacobana is no place for an eight-year-old by himself? You never know what you might catch. It's dirty and you're covered in filth. Talking of which, how many times have I told you not to pick girls up there?"
"Lots," his son muttered. Then he added "But Dad, I want you to look up to me. I wanted to show you that even at eight years old I'm as good a man as you are!"
"Damn it!" lamented Ronnie. "I knew it would come to this." He went and found the phone book. "I'm going to ring Scotland Yard and see if I can cut a deal with them if I go back to England."
Just then, there was a furious pounding at the door, and ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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veteran
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veteran
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 1,289 |
Just then there was a furious pounding at the door, and, screeching "Coming!" the boy ran and flung it open.
In the doorway stood a young man with a swarthy complexion and tousled black hair, dressed all in black skintight leather under which muscles and sinews rippled. Two gold ear rings, together with his coloring and hair, and the prominent bulge in his leather jeans, suggested a Gypsy origin. The boy and Ronnie watched with amazement, the girl with delight, as he unzipped, pulled out his equipment and promptly made it into a representation of Sugerloaf Mountain.
With a smile, he said, "Good morning. My name is
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
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With a smile, he said, "Good morning. My name is Raoul and I am looking for Consuelo, Jackie, and Belmarduk. I found their names scrawled in the gutter along with this address. Please tell me, am I too late? Have they already run off with Maverick and Bingley?" as he folds his privates into a stunningly accurate representation of...
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467 |
he folds his privates into a stunningly accurate representation of...
an accordion. "To Hoyle with this," he muttered, "I seem to have the marks of queens buried in there somewhere. Happened at the last boxing holiday, I should imagine." Suddenly Consuelo burst through the door, "My goodness, that's a big one! Rulers? Rulers? We don't need no steenking rulers."
At that momemnt Jackie, sporting a brassard with the words Gutter Police, sauntered into the room and ...
TEd
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
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sauntered into the room and ...
shouted, "Here I am, my darling Rauol, my mountin' sugarloaf! I've left that nasty Edward in Tierra del Fuego with his @#$@#%$@ partridges and pear trees! Take me back to Merrie Olde England, where I can re-unite with Mav and Kiwi, and we'll ...
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
Merrie Olde England, where I can re-unite with Mav and Kiwi, and we'll ...get the whole group over there for a heluvapalooza, which I'm going to slip away from for a few moments to plot how to kill you for embarrassing me this way. We must have the old gypsy woman there, too, and she'll...
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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and she'll .... conjure up a potion that will let you let you play the puppetter all the day long.. with no fear of your puppet getting to stiff to manipulate..
it is a very powerful potion.. in the wrong hands, it could make all men into meer puppets, ending the world as we now know it.
for safe keeping, we must make sure is it carefully lock away, and not let it be accidental ingested by...
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