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Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
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The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring has just been bestowed with AFI's (the American Film Institute's) first-ever Movie-of-the-Year Award. That is, indeed, an honor! And well-deserved! "The road goes ever on and on..." 
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Joined: Jan 2001
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addict
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addict
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 618 |
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.
Bilbo: Okay. Bye!
Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.
Frodo: Doo-de-do.
Nazgul: Boo!
Frodo: Eeeek!
Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!
Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!
Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!
Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.
Tom Bombadil: (disappears)
Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set.
Gandalf: I never saw that coming.
Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs and war machinery which were in plain sight.
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.
Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.
Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs) It's okay, I'll save you.
Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?
Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names…
Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
Strider: Go away, bad men!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger!
Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.
Gandalf: But I just got here.
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!
Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so… [THUD]
Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.
Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.
Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.
Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]
Sam: Such magic.
Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
Gimli: Boo hoo.
Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!!
Gandalf: Twit.
Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandoned mines?
Boromir: (Slash)
Legolas: (Pfft)
Gimli: (Whack)
Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
Frodo: Ouch!
Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?
Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
Gandalf: We are so doomed.
Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)
Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)
hobbits: (already in the lead)
Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Legolas: We don't have to…
Gimli: …we just have to outrun *you*.
Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)
Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
Frodo: I'm over it.
Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.
Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!
Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.
Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.
Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.
Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!
Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring.
Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions.
Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it.
Celeborn: Check-out time!
Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down…
Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough.
Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.
Boromir: Give me the ring.
Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible, it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head? Ah, this will do nicely. (whack)
Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous place in the world.
Sam: Works for me. (they leave)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically)
Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys, we're dead meat.
Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and we shall be rescued by soldiers…who are…hundreds…of…miles…away…guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good.
Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly… blood makes the grass grow.
Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact opposite direction.
Legolas: Okay.
Gimli: Sure.
THE END
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Joined: Nov 2000
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old hand
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old hand
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doc -
MORE...........MORE.........!!!!!!!!
stales
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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If you want a lampoon on Lord of the Rings, then read Bored of the Rings by Harvard Lampoon. I howled my way through it the first time and the second time.
Frito Buggers sets out on a quest to nowhere in particular in company with Goodgulf, the wizard, Spam, his faithful servant and Moxie and Pepsi, two general hobbits-about-town. On the way they meet Arrowroot, also known as Stomper, who really is a shiftless, good for nothing hippie-type. They meet an elf called Legolam and generally have a fun time fighting off various friends and general hangers-on of Sorhed, the big cheese.
Frito got his ring from his uncle, Dildo Buggers.
They lampoon the poetry, the geography (the countries are Onedor, Twodor, Threedor and Fourdor) as well as the characters. At the bridge over the Brandywine, there's a sign with tariffs:
Pedestrians: One farthing
People on Horses: One Halfpenny
Haywains: One penny
Black Riders: Forty Gold Pieces
The map is hilarious. The Legendary Drilling Rigs are perched off the coast, and the Little X-shaped Forest is, literally x-shaped.
The poetry goes along the lines of:
"There was a little working elf, a stenographer by day"
It's all very sixties, and there are lots of allusions to the politics (particularly American) of the day, but it's worth getting hold of and laughing through, it really is.
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Joined: Aug 2001
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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They lampoon ... the geography (the countries are Onedor, Twodor, Threedor and Fourdor)
The copywriter for an automobile advertisement, pre-1920, was obviously unfamiliar with that newfangled gadget when he referred to it as being available in two styles. You can buy the Tudor model, he noted, or for a slight surcharge you can get the Fourdor.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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You can buy the Tudor model
I seem to remember, back in the '50s, Tudor was the standard spelling for the model car that had two doors.
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Joined: Apr 2000
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Managed to see the film while I was in Inggris. My sister, who hadn't read the books (guess what her Christmas present was), was bowled over. Candi (my Indonesian other half)loved it even though he only had the vaguest idea of what was going on and as a general rule doesn't like long films. I found the history of the ring at the beginning rather overlong but can't see how else you could work it all in. Two complaints: what happened to Tom Bombadil? The elves were not elvish enough. They are supposed to be fairer than humans and immortal (barring accidents), not just people with pointy ears. Although Cate Blanchett is a talented actress, she simply was not Galadriel (admittedly it did not help that I'd seen her in Elizabeth on TV the night before.) Apart from that, yes it was great. Beautiful scenery. Moria was wonderful. I'll definitely see it again when it comes to Indonesia.
Bingley
Bingley
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Two complaints: what happened to Tom Bombadil? The elves were not elvish enough.The elves didn't bother me - being personally acquainted with one of them - but the lack of a Tom Bombadil did. Although I'm not sure why; after all lots of other bits and bobs got left out. So let's get together a BBTB ('Bring Back Tom Bombadil') movement and petition Peter Jackson to get him up off the cutting room floor. Or into the script. I need to know for sure that he wasn't just Goldberry in drag. Wouldn't it have been a surreal movie if they'd cut excerpts from "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" into LOTR?  that would have given one of my favourite movies a much-needed box-office boost! Actually, though, Bingley, I'd like to hear your take on how the elves could have been made more, um, elvish!
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Joined: Jul 2000
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old hand
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old hand
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So let's get together a BBTB ('Bring Back Tom Bombadil') movement and petition Peter Jackson to get him up off the cutting room floor.
There are many websites run and frequented by LOTR enthusiasts. If a movement such as you suggest had any support or possibility of being successful, it would have already been done. Plus, the filming is long done and I have a feeling Bombadil isn't even on the cutting room floor. He probably wasn't in the script at all considering how little he contributes to the story.
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