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This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.
16 had me ROFLOL
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
>Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Thanks, WOW. Even with the warning, I still nearly choked on 16. That was the best laugh I've had in I don't know how long.
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enthusiast
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Dear WOW
That was fierce funny altagather! I really enjoyed it. They should be copywritten and paid a hansom sum fer their troubles.
Awful funny altagather. Thanks!
GallantTed
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old hand
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Dear WOW,
Nearly all of these come from the book, Boners, by Alexander Abingdon, ilustrated by Dr. Seuss, copyright 1931, The Viking Press. And you thought they were new!
Here are more from the same source:
Acrimony, sometimes called holy, is another name for marriage.
The Acropolis was a she-wolf that nursed Romeo and Juliet.
Ali Baba means being away when the crime was committed.
Ambiguity means telling the truth when you don't mean to.
A blizzard is the inside of a fowl.
A brazier is the kind of garment the Italians wore instead of having their houses heated by furnaces.
An appendix is a portion of a book, which nobody yet has discovered any use for.
A buttress is a woman who makes butter.
A compliment is when you say something to another which he and we know is not true.
A fugue is what you get in a room full of people when all the windows and doors are shut.
A grass widow is the wife of a vegetarian.
Genuis is the infinite capacity for picking brains.
A goblet is a male turkey.
Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.
An invoice is another name for the conscience.
Matrimony is a place where souls suffer for a time on account of their sins.
The letters M.D. signify "mentally deficient."
A monologue is a conversation between two people, such as a husband and wife.
An optomist is a man who looks after your eyes, a pessimist looks after your feet.
Paraffin is the next order of angels above seraphims.
A refugee keeps order at a football match.
A prodigal is the son of a priest.
A senator is a half-horse, half-man. (Ever wonder which end is which?
A vacuum is an empty space where the Pope lives.
The Stoics were disciples of Zero, and believed in nothing.
The Rialto was the business end of Venus.
Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.
Figurative language is when you mean rooster and say chandalier.
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Oh, you-all, these are great! I am imagining the British primate as he rules Zanzibar, eating a banana and hooting at the chanticleer, which is hanging upside-down from the ceiling, while over in Europe, the Arch-Duck investigates the possiblilites of the McCormick raper...  And: The letters M.D. signify "mentally deficient."-- Dr. Bill, wofa., Doc comfort, what do you say? 
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This one's not a boner, from Geoff's list--it's a fact:
Acrimony, sometimes called holy, is another name for marriage.
...It's commonly quoted in sociology texts.
WW
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Delighted to have provided y'all a few light hearted moments!
Thank you all for your contributions.
Merry! Merry!
wow
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A brazier is the kind of garment the Italians wore instead of having their houses heated by furnaces.
Of course this is meaningless, but I cannot even imagine which was the meaning that person wanted to say.
Can someone help me?
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Can someone help me?
They appear to have conflated brazier and brassiere.
bra·zier2 also bra·sier
n.
A metal pan for holding burning coals or charcoal.
A cooking device consisting of a charcoal or electric heating source over which food is grilled.
[French brasier, from braise, hot coals. See braise.]
bras·siere
n.
A woman's undergarment worn to support and give contour to the breasts.
[French brassière, child's jacket with sleeves, brassiere, from Old French braciere : bras, arm (from Latin brācchium; see brachium) + -iere, -ier, one associated with; see –er1.][
From Atomica
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And: The letters M.D. signify "mentally deficient."
-- Dr. Bill, wofa., Doc comfort, what do you say? ...and all along I thought they stood for "miserable driver"
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Rapunzel, nice to have a post from you again.  We see too little of you these days. [French brasier, from braise, hot coals...
bras·siere
n.
A woman's undergarment worn to support and give contour to the breasts.Well now, there just could be a connection between these two words, now couldn't there?
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old hand
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[French brasier, from braise, hot coals...
bras·siere
n.
A woman's undergarment worn to support and give contour to the breasts.
Well now, there just could be a connection between these two words, now couldn't there?I wish y'all could see the illustration Dr. Seuss drew for this one! It shows a man with what looks like half a tire around his chest, held up by shoulder straps, with hot coals therein. So, yes, Rapunzel, you're spot-on with the conflation! And one more from the book: Medieval cathedrals were supported by flying buttocks. Dr. Seuss did NOT illustrate this one!
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Reviving the thread by quoting from an article about a new book titled Non Campus Mentis: World History According to College Students:
- "Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."
- "The Civil Rights movement in the U.S.A. turned around the corner with Martin Luther Junior's famous 'If I had a hammer speech.' "
- During the Carter administration, the U.S. faced the "Iran Hostess Crisis."
- "Joan of Arc was famous as Noah's wife."
- "Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born."
- "The airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers"
- "Judyism has one big God named Yahoo."
- "China has so many Chinese that forced birth patrol became required. This is where people are allowed to reproduce no more than one half of themelves."
- "During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark."
- "Another problem was that France was full of French people."
- "John Calvin Klein translated the Bible into American so the people of Geneva cour read it."
- "Revolers demanded liberty, equality and fraternities."
The author does not conclude that this illustrates a decline in education. "I don't really see a difference over time . . .," [Anders] Henriksson said. "I would be so bold as to say you could go back to the 1930s and find stuff like this."
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Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
And this from a test paper I received from a student:
Q. What was Lady Macbeth's concern during the banquet scene?
A. She was afraid her husband would expose himself in front of the guests.
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I loved that collection, Wow, even though some of them appear to be just toooo good to be, um, true. Ever since I was at high school, I've called hors d'oeuvres "horse's eggs". One of my classmates translated it that way in a test ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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re: I've called hors d'oeuvres "horse's eggs".
and at our house, we sometimes made cakes from a mix.--Baba au Rhums..obviously cause the mix was Drunken Hines
and sometimes, (long ago now) we ate a cafeteria and got food from behind little glass doors.. do you remember the place? Horny and Hardups.
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Subject: Music for Dummies
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like. There are no known descendants. (This one is my favorite!)
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
A harp is a nude piano.
The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
My favorite composer was Opus.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concertos.
TEd
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Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.Many a true word is spoken in complete ignorance ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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My favorite composer was Opus.
Most prolific, as well.
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addict
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Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony
Hey stales ... Look an AuZZie band has made good! And we all thought Daryl Braithwaite was on a downhill slide! Hah! He's living off royalties.
Hev
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Pooh-Bah
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I've called hors d'oeuvres "horse's eggs". A common mistake, this. Of course, as "ouevre" means "work," the correct translation is "Cart-horse" or "Plough-horse" depending on whether the context is urban or rural But if the hors d'ouevre is pulling a hay-cutting machine, is it delivering the "Coup de Grace?"
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Dearest RC--I only coup de grace when it needs it!
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Pooh-Bah
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Let the grace grow under your feet until it is as high as your heart?
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Let the grace grow under your feet until it is as high as your heart?
Yes--let's plant our graces side-by-side, shall we, and as they grow, they shall become entwined, for always...
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I only coup de grace when it needs it!
Jackie is then mower less?
Yes, Ted, I know: You cut it with a scythe, because that's all there is; there isn't any mower. [Suggest you dispense with hand-held activity and get a paramower.]
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You guys have opunned the door to my favorite awad activity.
I will continue to smile until my cheeks hurt.
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Pooh-Bah
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Like the honeysuckle and the bindweed?
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Ah! Yes, but which of us is which?
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Like the honeysuckle and the bindweed?
I'd forgotten that one! Link please, rhub?
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Pooh-Bah
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Google wasn't very helpful, this time - and I haven't time to delve deeper at the moment - you could try this one and see where it leads you http://timothyplatypus.tripod.com/FaS/cuttings.html - it looks fairly promising!
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