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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.
16 had me ROFLOL
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
>Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Thanks, WOW. Even with the warning, I still nearly choked on 16. That was the best laugh I've had in I don't know how long.
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
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Dear WOW
That was fierce funny altagather! I really enjoyed it. They should be copywritten and paid a hansom sum fer their troubles.
Awful funny altagather. Thanks!
GallantTed
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old hand
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old hand
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Dear WOW,
Nearly all of these come from the book, Boners, by Alexander Abingdon, ilustrated by Dr. Seuss, copyright 1931, The Viking Press. And you thought they were new!
Here are more from the same source:
Acrimony, sometimes called holy, is another name for marriage.
The Acropolis was a she-wolf that nursed Romeo and Juliet.
Ali Baba means being away when the crime was committed.
Ambiguity means telling the truth when you don't mean to.
A blizzard is the inside of a fowl.
A brazier is the kind of garment the Italians wore instead of having their houses heated by furnaces.
An appendix is a portion of a book, which nobody yet has discovered any use for.
A buttress is a woman who makes butter.
A compliment is when you say something to another which he and we know is not true.
A fugue is what you get in a room full of people when all the windows and doors are shut.
A grass widow is the wife of a vegetarian.
Genuis is the infinite capacity for picking brains.
A goblet is a male turkey.
Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.
An invoice is another name for the conscience.
Matrimony is a place where souls suffer for a time on account of their sins.
The letters M.D. signify "mentally deficient."
A monologue is a conversation between two people, such as a husband and wife.
An optomist is a man who looks after your eyes, a pessimist looks after your feet.
Paraffin is the next order of angels above seraphims.
A refugee keeps order at a football match.
A prodigal is the son of a priest.
A senator is a half-horse, half-man. (Ever wonder which end is which?
A vacuum is an empty space where the Pope lives.
The Stoics were disciples of Zero, and believed in nothing.
The Rialto was the business end of Venus.
Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.
Figurative language is when you mean rooster and say chandalier.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Oh, you-all, these are great! I am imagining the British primate as he rules Zanzibar, eating a banana and hooting at the chanticleer, which is hanging upside-down from the ceiling, while over in Europe, the Arch-Duck investigates the possiblilites of the McCormick raper...  And: The letters M.D. signify "mentally deficient."-- Dr. Bill, wofa., Doc comfort, what do you say? 
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
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This one's not a boner, from Geoff's list--it's a fact:
Acrimony, sometimes called holy, is another name for marriage.
...It's commonly quoted in sociology texts.
WW
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Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,439 |
Delighted to have provided y'all a few light hearted moments!
Thank you all for your contributions.
Merry! Merry!
wow
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
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A brazier is the kind of garment the Italians wore instead of having their houses heated by furnaces.
Of course this is meaningless, but I cannot even imagine which was the meaning that person wanted to say.
Can someone help me?
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
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Can someone help me?
They appear to have conflated brazier and brassiere.
bra·zier2 also bra·sier
n.
A metal pan for holding burning coals or charcoal.
A cooking device consisting of a charcoal or electric heating source over which food is grilled.
[French brasier, from braise, hot coals. See braise.]
bras·siere
n.
A woman's undergarment worn to support and give contour to the breasts.
[French brassière, child's jacket with sleeves, brassiere, from Old French braciere : bras, arm (from Latin brācchium; see brachium) + -iere, -ier, one associated with; see –er1.][
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