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A story, which I shall tell in 12 installments over the next 12 days:
Post post-edit edit: Accelerating, per Jackie's taste. Always honor the dear lady!
Post-edit: I see that Dub-Dub, who inevitably will race past my number of posts very soon, will not allow me to widen my current paper-thin margin! ROFL!
Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving
Emily
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Dec 25th
Dearest Emily,
So happy to hear you like the fowl and its be-peared perch. I forgot to buy the cuttlebone and seed. The partridge will not eat any of the pears, so I suggest you bustle on down to the pet store and pick up some provisions for it. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have its wings clipped. And remember to leave no open flames burning when the bird is cruising about.
My heart's light!
Edward
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You two, I hate to rain on your-all's parade, but it wouldn't surprise me if you get some flack for this thread, especially when someone has had to wait...and wait...and wait for the screen to open. I have heard from several people who start, then give up in frustration or for sheer lack of time, any more. Just my 2 cents'.
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Is that how you say it in Kaintuck, Jackie?
That notwithstanding, if this thread is going where I think it is it's absolutely hilarious.
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I vote for this duet to continue.
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Dec 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily Dear Jackie:
harrumph! 
With undying love, as always,
Emily
btw: emily's letters are not new here for the first time; Edward's, insofar as I am aware, are.
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December 26th
Dearest Emily,
Please, darling, take the turtledoves out of the pear tree immediately! The she-dove is insanely jealous of the he-dove, and he is a rake! He will drive her mad cooing at the partridge. Sorry I forgot the turtledove cage. Be a love and return to the pet store for a cage. But no mirrors! The he-dove will flirt with his own image!
Oh, I am so merry that you are merry!
Your well-feathered love bird,
Edward
Oh, Emily, do tell...is this Jackie cute?
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Dec 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily
PS: VERY, the dear.
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December 27th
Dearest Emily,
Why do you think I included the little hammer and package of boards and nails? You'll have to go down to the feed and grain store for some grit for their sweet French gizzards.
Happy hammering, ma petite allouette!
Merrier,
Edward
Does this Jacqueline have, too, a penchant for poultry?
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Does this Jacqueline have, too, a penchant for poultry?Okay, I'm fried! Yes, Faldage, if we are speaking of something that belongs to more than one person, we say your-all's. As in, "Your-all's house looks nice, this season". If their house is still plain, we say, "Are you-all putting up any decorations this year?" (not possessive, you see).
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if we are speaking of something that belongs to more than one person, we say your-all's
The ASp and I were discussing this last night. I decided on Southern syntax coupled with Northern style; appropriate for the Southern, yet non-secessionist Kentucky.
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Dec 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly--they make telephoning almost impossible--but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily
I would imagine so, for she is so loving to everybody and everything. But you would not fowlly play with my affections, would you, you dear man?
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December 28th
Dearest,
Sorry the calling birds were sent to your address. Mistake there. I thought I'd sent them elsewhere. They do NOT like French hens, so please keep them apart. You were supposed to have received four cheddar cheeses to use with the French hen eggs. Have you banged up your fingers, by the way, constructing the hens' nests? Please be careful not to, for I have a lovely surprise tomorrow.
Ding dong merrily on high am I,
Edward
I wonder what sweet Jacqueline thought about receiving those cheddar cheeses? Oh, dear...
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Dec 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present!
Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means.
Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily
I offered dear sweet Jacquline some of our poultry (you really had gone a wee bit overboard, my darling) but to my great surprise, she politely declined.
But why would you be sending gifts to Jacqulyn?
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December 29th
Dearest Emily,
Oh, joyous season! I knew you would delight in the glitter of all that's gold, my esculent little aubergine! I, too, am a great fan of your mother's habitual witty entrechats that never fail to elicit the requisite belly laugh from me. Has your mum trimmed her moustache?
Sprout some millet seed for the calling birds, and they should calm down. Oh, and to insure your mother and your most delectable self of some degree of slumber, when you're at the pet store for the millet seed, look about for some cage and coop night covers.
Your devoted,
Edward
Sending fair Jacqueline gifts? Why 'twas but a lark, dearest! Besides, she is a cutie and I never noticed that your eyes have an ever-so-slightly greenish cast...
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Dec 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily
"aubergine"? Is that any way to speak of my figure? Truly, Edward, you are taking liberties.
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December 30th
Dearest Emily,
Not just an aubergine, my dear...an esculent one! I'm possessed of exquisite tastes! Now, you know you love the geese. 'Fess up, little bird, and make my heart gay again! I'm feathering your nest, little goose girl. Not too many ladies in our village can claim to have opened their door in the morning light to a gaggle of geese on their doorsteps! But you, sweet love, can.
I think you should purchase that jacuzi you've been talking about. Might come in handy tomorrow.
Cocksure and fancy free,
Your Edward
Happy the jealousy over Jacks is quiescent now. That was such a bother, though Jacks and I had a few laughs over it.
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Dec 31
Edward!
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
And you and Jackie are now sharing giggles together?
oh, god! Now I see why Jackie declined my offer of poultry several days ago! She knew all along! What have you two been hatching??
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What have you two been hatching??
Edward, do you want to break the news?
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December 31st
Dearest JackieJaguar, I mean Emily!
Was it swans I sent to you? Oh, yes, that's right...swans. Things are ever so confusing these days with so much buying, filling out of delivery slips, meeting a certain jejune party for a tête à tête. My head's swirling, although my heart is fluttering over you, glorious you! Guano makes wonderful manure, so apply yourself vigorously and in the ebullience of the season, with your shovel and hoe, wrapped in red plaid ribbon. Quite a festive touch, don't you agree? And buy the jacuzi! The swans will love it. Just be careful about the temperature setting.
Still making my list and checking it twice,
Naughty Edward
No, Jacks. Not quite yet. I've got a load of beasts still to get out of my backyard!
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Good heavens, Edward--I must have hot coals on the brain: I first thought you had said you had a load of breasts to get out of your back yard. Now, where would I get an idea like that, hmm?
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Dear Jacks,
Actually, I do have quite a load of breasts to get out of the shed in my back yard, along with the load of beasts. Bloody bother, both batches of them, especially the wenches. Much more trouble than I'd imagined when I propositioned them with the invitation at the pub near the Famous Crooked Spire. And those men at the bar! They kept saying, "This Edward chap is looking for ten loins a-leaping!" What hubbub! Or, should I say, pubbub!
Tomorrow, Sweetie, after the post has been delivered?
Holly jolly,
Edward
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Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
And as your wordplay: I told you, "No more birds." Let me make my words totally unambiguous: NO MORE BEASTS, EITHER! I am up to my neck with your so-called "e-bulliance" and "guano": you have gone from chicken___t to bull___t. This is not the jolly sort of "hoe, hoe, hoe" you have delivered.
Emily (purple-face)
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Gee, and I was just going to say that you should stage this like Love Letters, it'd make a cute seasonal piece. Hire insel to direct. if he likes the script, that is But then all these breasts crept into it somehow, and it took a turn into the blue zone, leave it to Jackie to throw a breast into it?? so now I'm not sure it will pass as family fare. Unless, of course, with some damage control, you turn the reference back toward braised breast of goose! Yum!
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Gee, and I was just going to say that you should stage this like Love Letters, it'd make a cute seasonal piece. Hire insel to direct. if he likes the script, that is But then all these breasts crept into it somehow, and it took a turn into the blue zone, leave it to Jackie to throw a breast into it?? so now I'm not sure it will pass as family fare. Unless, of course, with some damage control, you turn the reference back toward braised breast of goose! Yum!
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Jan 2nd
Dear Occupant,
In pusuant to the city statute 4321-69b section l5 paragraph 2 - "The *peace shall be maintained without interruption.", I am posting this letter with hammer and nail on your door, and subsequent e-mails will follow.
I, sir/madam am an animal lover. However, you have crossed the line beyond which even I cannot stretch the law to encompass. Aside from the stench that is currently being emmited from your backyard and the unGodly hours in which you have been receiving people and packages (heck, even I enjoy a party now and then), the noise has become untenable. It was fine enough when the cooing began, but since has multiplied into quacking combined with something that has reminded me of a Messian composition as I heard it played recently by our local youth symphonie... and on top of all this, the incessant mooing and the early morning giggling of women have combined to make the one day of the year that I didn't have to work and arduous adventure at discerning what was commentary from the game I was attempting to enjoy on the tele.
Scince I have lost all my ability to sleep in my own bed, I'm spending the next week or so at my family home where the sound of my Aunt Matilda's voice will seem like the tones of Gregorian Chant compared to the racket coming from inside your walls.
I expect your issues to be resolved upon my return. If they are not, the proper authorities will be notified.
Sincerely,
Your half deaf neighbor to the west
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January 1st
Dearest Emily,
Whatever happened to that jolly girl I used to know with her delightful sense of whimsy? The maids (and I use that term loosely) are for hire just through the end of the week. The cows only require vetting, a speedy trip to the feed and grain store--my Uncle Thomas will happily supply the hay--and your gazebo by the croquet lawn would make a merry barn!
I think you're piffed because I cancelled out on our New Year's Eve plans. Admit it! I'm sure you spent a rollicking evening with your mother, moustache lady, who is such a giant of entertaining, sarcastic repartee.
Happy New Year! There are treats galore waiting for your further amusement.
Your udderly devoted,
Edward
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Jan 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. I tell you clearly, "no more birds; NO MORE BEASTS", so you slip into a linguistic quibble to send me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies -- and it is quite obvious that your eight "milkmaids" are [as you say] maids "for hire".
The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
PS: and explain yourself: where were you on New Year's Eve? and how is it that as soon as you meet dear Jackie you suddenly become preoccupied with breasts and acquainted with "ladies" of dubious virtue?
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January 2nd
Dearest (I suppose) Emily,
Do you have any idea how many pubs Jacks and I had to hit New Year's Eve to find those dancers? I had a roaring headache all day yesterday, and then up early today to gather those terpsichorean rosebuds from the night before. You sound strangely more like your mother every day. I even suspect it may be she who has been sending me these acid notes, so little of the Emily I fondly remember do I find here.
By the way, my mercurial little kumquat, I think you would be most particularly luscious joining the ladies in a bar or two, musical or spirited.
Hoping that you'll have a change of heart--really!
Edward
P.S. If you don't cut out this incessant carping, I shall seek auditory revenge of the most droning kind.
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dear Jackie you suddenly become preoccupied with breasts and acquainted with "ladies" of dubious virtue? Wha...? Why,...I resemble that remark! [flouncing out of the room e]
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Keiva here: Jacqueline, dahling, you resemble a picture of breasts and ladies of the evening? 
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If you say so, "dahling". [raised-eyebrow warning e]
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Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milk"maids".
Your headache is far to small a penalty for your night of carousing and debau-cheriee. The "terpsichorean rosebuds" ye gathered are not Robert Herrick's -- they are what Gore Vidal and I know well was the "rosebud" in Citizen Kane. If such rosebuds have any Muse at all, it is Erato.
Musick (dear soul!) has taken pity on my plight, and is here to help me deal with this noah's ark you have created. At last I have the solace of knowing that I can rely upon his deep concern and thoughtful counsel.
I shall need all the strength he can give me, for the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
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January 3rd
Dear Em,
Who's this Musick person? Is he cute? Cuter than I?
You wretched slime-breathed hussy! And after all the trouble I've gone to spending nearly every farthing in my Christmas savings account to elicit a few giggles from you!
As for the ten lewds a-leaping, make sure you avoid Roger and Randy. They are hornier than the he-dove.
You, my dear, have torn my heart in two, three times over, and I think I'll hire out a group that will certainly show you the direction my bits of heart are limping towards.
My armor is to become all embouchure, little Miss Dis.
Torn asunder, but still ready for the beating,
Edward
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Dear Sir,
It has come to our attention that you have recently employed nine maids and ten lords. Our records indicate that as an employer you have not submitted the proper documentation to this office. Please do so within the next ten business days.
Department of Labour
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January 3rd
Dear Sir:
Your records are incorrect. What do you have doing the count there at the Department of Labour? Musicians? Count again.
Yours truly,
Edward Beastly
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Dear Sir,
In rechecking our records, it has come to our attention that you have recently employed eight maids, nine ladies, and ten lords. Please submit your documentation of employment within the next ten days.
Department of Labour
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Dear Mr. Beastly,
This letter is to notify you that your cheque #3969, written December 31st of last year, was returned to us due to insufficient funds. Please pay the amount in question in cash or by certified check within the next ten days.
Richard Tulongue, Proprietor
Dick's Club for Gentlemen
Lapdancing our specialty.
Private parties by request.
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Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!
And those pipers! When the December wind blew, I suffered the misfortune of learning the answer to the age-old question, "What do Scotsmen wear underneath their kilts?" Which was a good deal more than I wanted to know.
You were most unwise to switch from olefactory attack to auditory. For musick is now fully as offended as I, and we shall take steps!
The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
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January 4th
Well, helloooooo, to you, Miss Dung Head! I'll bet the droning rhonchus of the pipers keeps your sweet heart (sweetheart, yeah, right--in a pig's eye!) from missing the sound of your mother's unforgettable voice now that she's been taken away (ha! ha!--They've come and taken her away--ha! ha!). Play on, pipers! Play on! I'll keep writing the bloody cheques to keep the hire of ye'! There's No Business Like Schadenfreude Business!
And it wasn't the December wind, my little bird of great goggles and keen observation, that blew their kilts up. I hired out a wind machine to guarantee your amusement on that account while on the lawn. The old Emily would have laughed and blushed and blown me kisses for such a trick, but not this new permutation: faithless, humourless, and still disturbingly sciapodous. Has this Musick Man Person seen the size of your pieds, Clementine? Don't imagine he's going to want to take too many of the "steps" you mention once he gets a good look at how treacherous a walk that would be.
No regards at all, strumpet!
Mr. Beastly
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Inland Revenue Department
Office of the Commissioner of Inland Revenue
P.O. Box 666
London EC1
January 5, 2002
Beastly, Rotten & Scoundrel
Basement Level
Shitehill Towers
London W1
Attention: Edward Beastly
Re: Non-payment of PAYE
Dear Mr Beastly
It has come to the attention of this Office that you have recently employed a number of persons. No information has been received from your firm as to employee details, the first day of employment. No PAYE has been remitted for these employees.
This situation is unusual, in that the Office would not normally know about your new employees. However, some of them have been in contact with the Office and have provided us with your name and address.
Please remit the required details (enclosed is Form IR21B for that purpose) as soon as possible. To avoid late payment penalties, you should also remit the correct amount of PAYE by return post.
Please also explain to your employees that:
(a) Direct contact with the Office of the Commissioner to claim expenses is not usual. Your firm is expected to pay reasonable expenses. Any legitimate claims against tax paid should be made on the annual tax return form (IR5).
(b) Please also explain to your employees that certain types of claim are unlikely to be accepted by this Office. Examples provided by your employees include:
Breast implants. These may be claimed for by women whose primary employment is in the adult entertainment industry. Acting as milkmaids in a Christmas show (we are unable to determine whether this is a pagent, a pantomime or an unlicensed brothel) does not consitute such a legitimate basis for such claims.
Face lifts. You should understand that telling a female employee that she should “go and have a facelift done with a forklift truck” is probably bad advice. This particular employee appears to have acted on your advice and presented an invoice for £1,212,300 for the purchase of an Ellison five-ton forklift.
Replacement Bagpipe Bags. This may well be a legitimate expense in the context of the primary employment being as a piper in a highland pipe band. However, “accidentally bursting it while ‘aving a bit of rumpy-pumpy” does not constitute a legitimate reason for making a claim.
Guano Removal. A number of claims were put forward for dry-cleaning expenses. It appears that the location at which you require your employees to work is knee-deep in birdshit. That is your problem and constitutes a health hazard. Unfortunately, unless the persons lodging the claim are self-employed, they may not claim for dry-cleaning expenses.
I understand that there are also a number of health-related claims being made to various government agencies. The most interesting of these appears to be a sprained neck injury to one gentleman who apparently displeased another gentleman, whose response was to take the aforementioned first gentleman and to force him, head first, into a cow’s rectum.
I (a) trust that you are paying these people well, and (b) insist that you remit the appropriate amount of PAYE at our earliest convenience, not yours.
A. Buro Crat
(for the Commissioner of Inland Revenue)
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January 5, 2002
Dear A. Buro:
Your return address immediately smells suspicious to me. I do NOT believe you are who you SAY you are. Let me be firm on that account, although you could be a mad lady who wears moustaches?
Let me confer with a favorite attorney out of Chicago, Illinois, USA, to see whether his knowledge of foreign legal matters can reach our little village here outside of Chesterfield, England, with its Famous Crooked Squire. I am, I must admit, quite broke--Christmas account long cashed out, and my Chicago connection will most likely take on my case pro bono.
Don't mess around with me, A Bur' (in my side). I've got ways of discovering whether you're bona fide.
Simmering,
E. Beastly
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Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Barristers
Gringotts Building, 9th Level
Diagon Alley, London, England
Our motto: Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
Mr. Edward Beastly
Beastly, Rotten & Scoundrel
De-basement Level
Shitehill Towers
London W1
Jan. 5, 2000
Sir:
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Misharmonia Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
You may anticipate receipt by separate post of various legal actions I have been instructed to initiate against you on behalf of Miss Wilbraham, and also on behalf of several other clients who have been both injured and outraged by your behavior. (It is now you, and not Miss Wilbraham, who is [as they say] "in deep s**t".)
Please be informed that Miss Wilbraham has now found the true love of her life, has been so fortunate has to find her passion reciprocated, and has eloped to a location to forever remain unknown to you. By the time you receive this missive our client will be playing a sweet duet, and will then and thereafter have the honour to be known as Mrs. Emily Wilbraham Musick.
I am, Sir,
yours faithfully,
I. Suem (f/k/a "t.suwm"), Barrister
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January 5th
Dear Dewey, Chewey, Huey and Mr. Tsuwey (or however you spell your name):
This is to inform you that your client is a psycho-neurotic, back-stabbing little bit of fluff with no morals, who hangs out with musickians who cannot count beyond four, five on a good day with a decent drummer.
Speaking of, I cannot believe this woman of decidedly plebian taste found nothing to admire in the percussion section of the London Philharmonic, not to mention that touch spéciale of Babatunde, guaranteed master of the call of the groin (i.e., grinding pelvis). I thought for certain she wouldn't be able to resist Baba's djembe, hippoheavipous lap dancer that she is!
When you communicate with your client, tell her I was lying about her rear not being too broad. Be sure not to forget to tell her that. She will come out of hiding, spitting and clawing like the cat devil she is.
Determined to cut off her head,
Edward Beastly
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Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Barristers
Gringotts Building, 9th Level
Diagon Alley, London, England
Our motto: Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
Re: Beastly files (various)
Internal Memorandum: outline of charges to be finled against Mr. Edward Beastly on behalf of various clients, private and governments. In no particular order. FIRST DRAFT
1) intentional infliction of emotional distress (admission of seeking "Schadenfreude")
2) assault (threatening bodily injury): "I shall seek auditory revenge of the most droning kind."
3) assault with a deadly weapon (bagpipes)
4) physical batttery; viz., "goosing"
5) violation of Federal Mann Act (transporting women across estate lines for immoral purposes)
6) violation of union rules and collective bargaining agreement of the local harlots' union (Sisterhood of Minxes, Local ___ [hereinafter referred to as SM"] )
7) "gathering rosebuds" destruction of flora in public park
8) "gathering rosebuds" of a another sort
9) indecent exposure (kilt and fan)
10) breach of promise (related charge, against Jackie, of alienation of affections)
11) breach of oral contract (admission: "I cancelled out on our New Year's Eve plans.")
12) theft of goods (bar tab) and of services (lap dances) from Dick's Club
13) issuing rubber cheque
14) violation of international Migratory Birds Treaty
15) violation of Mad Cow Disease regulations
16) solicitation for prositition for profit (note claim that expense thereof is expense of a "business")
17) generalized fowl play
18) importing french hens: (a) unlicensed; (b) nonpayment of customs duties; (c) violating quarantine requirements
19) violation of postal regulations (delivery of live animals by post)
20) cruelty to animals
21) disturbing the peace (a) barnyard noise; (b) bagpipes
22) defamation: (a) "Has your mum trimmed her moustache?" (b) "You wretched slime-breathed hussy!"
23) destruction of private property
24) Environmental Protection statutes: (a) pollution of groundwater (animal waste) (b) illegal dumping (fly-dumping)
25) maintaining a nuisance (offensive odors; noises)
26) trespass
27) littering
28) Regarding prostitution business: (a) failure to provide safe workplace (SHA standards); (b) failure to provide wheel-chair-access, per Americans with Disabilities Act; (c) gender discrimination in employment (hired only "maids" and "ladies"; no males) (d) excessive working hours (24/7)
29) payroll impropieties: failures to: (a) withhold income taxes (federal and state); (b) withhold social security taxes (FICA); (c) remit workman's compensation premium to state.
30) zoning violation: maintaining a farm in an R-2 residential district
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PUBLIC AND PRIVATE NOTICE
Mr. Edward Thrombuckle Beastly and Miss Jacqueline Dorolicious Sweetie no longer live in Chesterfield of the Famous Crooked Spire.
Neither of the above previous residents of Chesterfield holds any responsibility for bills, cheques, drained credit accounts, flushed out Christmas savings plans, spilled change from mugged pickpockets, broken piggy banks, and any other sources of money claimed to have been overseen by either of them.
Neither do they hold any responsibility for the care and wear of any person or groups of persons in the village in consequence of this season's holiday revels. Their personal motto is, "We are all adults here, after all."
Mr. Beastly and Miss Sweetie will most likely last to have been seen at the departing gate for Tierra del Fuego, shaking their maracas as they prepared to board.
Follow them, only if you dare. They have changed their identities--the plastic surgeons worked wonders--and they have undergone such physical changes that no one could ever guess what they have been before.
Private to Emily Mucus: Leg lifts ain't going to begin to do the job. Consider hipposuction.
Have Tango; Will Travel
"Maracas," Jacks, I said, "Maracas!" Do stop shaking your little tailfeathers! That's a dead giveaway!
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I assume this is the Witless Protection Program.
TEd
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Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Barristers
Status report to: Mr. and Mrs. K. and Emily Musick
Action taken: We have closed our files on these matters.
Reason:
The stalkers are sprung nigh to Chile, wit-pair.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
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somewhere in Bayou Country...
Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, you one sweet lover done say you gonna sin
little me one present all twelve days of Crissmus. I git so excited I
no take my shrimp boat out fishin, eh? Thanks for de bird in de Pear
tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree
will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille
an made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of
eating dem darn birds. gave two of dose prissy French chickens to
Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog
Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin birds.
Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could
hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab
traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem
golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got
enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da
boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass
turkey!!! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six
gaeases. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his
snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem
wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see
you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem
birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat
stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de
bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de
water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his
mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem
cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I
doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work
guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair
contract. Dey probably tink dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las
night.
Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to
borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call
Lords-a-Leaping across de bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted
a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says,
"Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile.
What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria,
and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman
don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid
floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey
doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left
after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I
had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet
paper. De Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords'
royal behin.
Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11
pipers piping arrives today from de House of Blues, second lining as
dey got off de boat. We fixed snuffed goose and beef jambalaya,
finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he
drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing
with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday,
screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de
mail, doan open it.
Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love
anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de
head piper. We decide to open restaurant and gentleman's club on de
bayou. Dem ladies can learn lap dancing and make $20 ever guy come
in. De Lords we stop leapin and make waiters an valet park de boats.
Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I goin train dem set
my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimpin business. We
gonna gross a million clams next year .
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Oh, wofa, I am rolling! That is the funniest thing I've read in ages! I love the "accent", though my only experience widit is de Cajun chef awn TV. And--the Raisin Cane Lounge: wonderful! (apostrophe left off on purpose; and darn you Keiva, that first came out apostrophy...). (For the non-native English speakers, raisin(g) cain is an expression that means boisterous noise or activity.)
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Seasons Greetings, as conveyed via a nearly-lost art. Appealing to singers;
clever and charming, even for non-Christmas-observers
.
.
=====================================
MUST USE A NON-PROPORTIONAL FONT TO VIEW PROPERLY - COURIER DOES NICELY
=====================================
.
.
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
_______) _______) ,__) ____, ____,
(--||_, _ (--| _ | _ (--| \ _ , (--/ \ ,_,
_|| |(/_ _|(_|_)(/_|\/(/_ _|_/(_|\|/_)_ \_/_|_
( |__, ( ( ,__| ,__|
____,,__) ,__)
(--/ `|_,,_' ,-|-,_,_, _ ,
/ | || |/_)| | | |(_|/_)
\__, |__, |__,
.
.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
.
Twelve Drummers Drumming
.
.-) .-) .-)
|_| |_| |_|
(_} (_} __ (_} .---.
| \ .--. | \.' '. | \/ \
|\_|--o ) |\_|--o ; |\_|--o |
|:| '--' |:|'.__.' |:|\ /
|:| |:| |:| `---`
|:|_ |:|_ |:|_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
|M| |E| |R| |R| |Y| |X| |M| |A| |S|
(_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
/\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\
[XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX]
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
.
.
Eleven Pipers Piping
.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_)
(") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (")
/I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\
(/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\)
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
.
Ten Lords A-Leaping
.
w w
w 0__ \0__
\0__ w /|_ w /_
/_ __0/ '\/ / \0_ '\/ / w
'\/ / /_ ` /_ ` __0/
` `\/ \, _\ \, /_
w ` `\/ \,
\0__ w w
/_ 0__ w \0__
_\ \, /|_ __0/ |_
` `\/ \, /_ _\ \,
`\/ /, `
.
.
Nine Ladies Dancing
.
|~
() () 0` |~
() _/)(\_ () _/)(\_ 0`
_/)(\_ /^^\ () _/)(\_ /""\
/~~\ /____\ _/)(\_ /``\ /____\
/____\ /""\ /____\ ()
() /____\ _/)(\_ ()
|~ _/)(\_ () /^^\ _/)(\_
0` |~ /``\ _/)(\_ /____\ /~~\
0` /____\ /~~\ /____\
/____\
.
.
Eight Maids A-Milking
.
__.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___
(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--`
`(uu)' _ `(dd)' _ `(gg)' _ `(vv)' _ |
) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) |
(o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 ,/
`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ _(__)|
`|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
__.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___
(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--`
`(99)' _ `(66)' _ `(aa)' _ `(ee)' _ |
) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) |
(o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8,/
`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ _(__)|
`|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
.
.
Seven Swans A-Swimming
.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
/,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ _,
|/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ / |
// _/ |// _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ |
/ (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ _)
/ ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` _/)
\ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- /
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
.
.
Six Geese A-Laying
.
__ __ __ __ __ __
>(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' )
)/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ ,
/(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\
/ ) / ) / ) / ) / ) / )
\ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/
`---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __
~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__)
.
.
Five Gold Rings
.
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_))
'-' '-' '-' '-' '-'
.
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Four Calling Birds
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___ ___ ___ ___
('v') ('v') ('v') ('v')
(( )) (( )) (( )) (( ))
-/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"--
.
.
Three French Hens
.
(\ }\ (\ }\ (\ }\
( \_('> ( \_('> ( \_('>
(__(=_) (__(=_) (__(=_)
-"= -"= -"=
.
.
Two Turtle Doves
.
_ _
<')_,/ <') ,/
(_==/ (_==/
='- ='-
.
.
.
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree
_
('>
/))@@@@@
/@"@@@@@()@
@@()@@()@@@@
@@@O@@@@()@@@
@()@@\@@@()@@
@()@||@@@@@
@@||@@@
||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
.
.
(I can still post this; it's only the third day )
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Ah, Wof, that was just plumb great! Or plum great! Not sure which yet!!
Wordwind
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Loved it. My sides are still hurting. I used to have a Louisianian colleague who spent a lot of his childhood in the bayou and when he'd had enough whiskey, he'd deliberately lapse in to the patois. I read your post hearing his voice. Hilarious! I've emailed the link to him. I wonder if he'll appreciate it? 
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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