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Does anyone have any examples of silly poems, other than the ubiquitous limerick? I offer a Double Dactyl:
Higgledy piggledy,
Ludwig von Beethoven,
Bored by requests for some
Music to hum,
Finally answered with
Oversimplicity,
"Here's my Fifth Symphony:
Dah-dah-dah-dum."
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One which I remember (imperfectly) from my schooldays is:
My son, Augustus, off to school one day
Was feeling quite particularly merry
When someone asked him: "What's the quickest way
To get to [Highgate] Cemetery?"
"The quickest way!" replied my little Gus
And shoved the fellow underneath a bus.
Does anyone have a correct (!) version or an author for this?
The other important question to ask, of course, is why has this piece of doggerel stayed with me for nearly 50 years?
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one of the questions which never fails to annoy me is of the sort, "Is there any word that rhymes with silver?"; thus I was overjoyed when I discovered this: To find a rhyme for silver Or any other "rhymeless" rhyme Requires only will, ver- bosity, and time. http://members.aol.com/tsuwm/
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here's another I used on my web site: strange new words I relish like nectar or tonic I now know my line printer is boustrophedonic David P. Stern Science magazine http://members.aol.com/tsuwm/
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I used to laugh uproariously at this when I was about three. It still raises a chuckle, more than half a centuy later!
The other day upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today;
I really wish he'd go away!
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apropos of most anything: "Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania." -Dorothy Parker http://members.aol.com/tsuwm/
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In the interests of accurate citation, my memory has just dredged up the final two lines of "Augustus":
I will say this about my son,
He does enjoy a bit of fun.
There, I feel better now!
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Dredged from my memory of at least 60 years ago:
'Twas midnight on the ocean,
not a streetcar was in sight
and the sun was shining brightly
for it rained all day that night.
'Twas a summer's day in winter
and the snow was raining fast
as a barefoot boy with shoes on
stood sitting on the grass.
That's all I remember of that one but that in turn, turned up another one. I've lost the beginning and all I remember right now is:
. . . . .
As the sexton rang the church bell, lard was rendered by the choir.
While the ______________, someone set the church on fire.
"Holy Smoke!" the preacher shouted, as he madly tore his hair.
Now his head resembles heaven, for there is no parting there!
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Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA. http://members.aol.com/tsuwm/
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My father peddles opium, my mother's on the dole My sister used to walk the streets but now she's on parole My brother runs a restaurant with a bedroom in the rear But they don't even speak to me 'cause I'm an engineer --From the MIT "Engineer's drinking song" http://members.aol.com/tsuwm/
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<My father peddles opium … >
Based, I assume, on Stephen Sondheim’s lyrics for Officer Krupke’s song in his and Leonard Bernstein’s ‘West Side story’.
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this song first saw the light of day in the late 70s and new verses are added annually. who knows where the MIT kids come up with their lyrics (many of which are in "Bad Taste" (their characterization)). http://members.aol.com/tsuwm
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speaking of drinking songs, here's Homer Simpson's... (to the tune of the do re mi song) DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer. RAY..... the guy that sells me beer... ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer, FA...... a long way to get beer.... SO...... I'll have another beer.... LA...... I'll have another beer.... TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer... That will bring us back to.... (Looks into an empty glass) .... D'OH! sorry... don't know what came over me there. http://members.aol.com/tsuwm
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The Homer Simpson drinking song????
My, how the Supreme hath fallen! Talk about downhill!
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>>Stephen Sondheim’s lyrics for Officer Krupke’s song in his and Leonard Bernstein’s ‘West Side story’<<
Didn't you just love the line that preceded the song:
"Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!"
Funny how things stick in one's memory! :o)
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Well, here's the only one I can think of. An old victorian poem that goes:
I am Queen Anne,
of whom 'tis said
am chiefly famed
for being dead.
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Two weeks late Anna, but your ditty has just given me quite a belly laugh. Like good wine keep it flowing.
Kow-tows and kudos to a greater presence!
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Sorry Anna, but I will resort to a Limerick - if only for the raeson that the subject is directly related to the pub that I have just left - The 'Lincoln' off Trinity College. Our famed bard (one of many) - Oliver St John Gogarty - was a regular there and he is said to have penned this verse (apologies to those with feint hearts):
There was a young man from St. Johns
Who wanted to roger the swans
'Oh, no' said the porter,
'Oblige with my daughter
but the birds are reserved for the dons'.
ba-boom.
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Well, Rubrick, I see that after Tsuwm started us on the downslope, you have taken us all the way to the gutter! 
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Rubrick – your limerick sent me to my overflowing bookshelves to find Conrad Aiken’s wonderful collection "A seizure of limericks" (there’s another collective noun!) so that I could enjoy again my favourite contemporary limerick, which begins:
It’s time to make love: douse the glim …
There are 50 of his quirky, witty, sensual limericks in this collection published in the mid-60s – try to find a copy if you don’t have it. Enjoy!
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> Rubrick – your limerick sent me to my overflowing bookshelves to find Conrad Aiken’s wonderful collection "A seizure of
limericks"
> There are 50 of his quirky, witty, sensual limericks in this collection published in the mid-60s – try to find a copy if you
don’t have it.
Thanks Paul,
I can get it through our college library this evening. If I find some good ones I may post them on a new thread next week. For everyone's info the book is published by W.H. Allen (1965) and may be out of print.
Mr. Aiken seems to have been quite a prolific writer and I counted 37 compilations of his works on my library server. It looks like he's going to be reading material for this summer!
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> Well, Rubrick, I see that after Tsuwm started us on the
downslope, you have taken us all the way to the gutter!
Apologies Jackie...
But to quote Oscar Wilde - 'we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars'.
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Is it true that Oscar Wilde's last words were -
"Either this wallpaper goes or I go"
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'Brick,
That wasn't a complaint, just a comment.
Sometimes there treasures to be found in the gutter!
I thought it was a good limerick.
Glad you're heart's in the right place!
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Jo,
Apparently the wallpaper is still there!
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>But to quote Oscar Wilde
to qutoe Oscar Levant, "So little time and so little to do."
<g>
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> "Either this wallpaper goes or I go"
I've heard that story before and I can't give you an honest answer. Oscar Wilde died in disgrace and exile in Paris of meningitis when he was only 44 (his anniversary comes up next month). Though his life was well documented his final days seem to have been spent in relative obscurity. Those that knew him said that he kept his sharp wit with him to the end so he may have actually said the quote above. There are plenty of Wildean scholars in these hallowed walls. I'll accost a few once they are sober and get the truth out of them.
Speaking of death bed words (and I really think we should start a new thread on this subject) I'm reminded of the joke about Robin Hood who is lying on his death bed. His merry men are crowded around him. He pulls out his bow and arrow and tells them 'I will fire this arrow and where it lands that will be my resting place'.........
......So they buried him on top of the wardrobe.
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Last words of Pancho Villa:
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
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Okay, that's it. Off-topic. Let's start a new thread!!!!
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> 'Brick,
That wasn't a complaint, just a comment.
I know that, Jackie.
'Brick, I lke that - very macho like Chuck or Rock. How about the new blockbuster movie - 'AWAD board' starring Brick Journeyman and a cast of thousands. It has a certain ring to it, don't you think? - or am I drifting away from reality here?
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My favourite Wilde words:
I am not young enough to know everything.
New thread??? Where???
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...and to quote Dorothy Parker:
If, with the literate, I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.
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Brick Journeyman,
You must win the prize for the fastest climb from newbie to your current status.
And as for your posting that limerick, all I can do is give a Gallic shrug and say, "Noblesse oblige."
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New thread??? Where???
Miscellany - Famous last words. I've kicked you off with an American presidential theme.
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> ...and to quote Dorothy Parker:
Excellent! I see that I should read more of Dorothy's work. She is obviously as sharp as old Oscar Fingall O'Flaherty Wills Wilde himself!
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> Brick Journeyman,
You must win the prize for the fastest climb from newbie to your current status.
And as for your posting that limerick, all I can do is give a Gallic shrug and say, "Noblesse oblige."
I can not take all the credit, Anna. ;^) Most of my postings have involved responding to some excellent topics and queries by other members. Muchos Gracias, Thank You, Merci Beaucoup, Muito Obrigado, Danke Schoen, Buíochas, Grazie, Shalom!!!
My bio does tell the truth. I do immerse myself in everything that I do. Never a dull moment in my life!
'If I should give my children anything, I would give them enthusiasm. For that is all that I possess.'
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> Is it true that Oscar Wilde's last words were -
"Either this wallpaper goes or I go"
There is divided opinion on this one. There are some that say that he did say it (it is documented) but not in the context of famous last words. He must have spoken it quite some time before he died as I wouldn't imagine he was in any fit state to utter witticisms in his final throes of meningitis.
There are others that say he never said it - it was only attributed to him. It can't be proved one way or the other. Still it is an interesting little anecdote.
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If anyone is still reading this thread (sorry, I only just found out this site existed and joined up straight away!) there is actually a book called 'Verse and Worse' which I think is exactly on target.
And another limerick one I grew up with called Lure of the Limerick.
Unfortunately an ocean or two now separate me from my mother's library and I have to start all over again...
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G'day Bridget - good to have another Aussie on board!
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My father told this story about Wilde. At one point, he had announced to his friends that he was going to go straight. One day he was visited by a friend, who found Wilde pursuing a terrified bell-boy around his hotel room. The friend admonished him, "Oscar, you told us you were going to turn over a new leaf."
"I am," he panted, "just as soon as I get to the bottom of this page."
TEd
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Oh, TEd!
What a hoot! Thank you!
I do hope people will keep adding to this thread--I love to read these things!
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TEd, a question from Jackie  : can we call you 'Ted' (or, as is my wont, 'ted'), or is there some significance to these CAPS that we should adhere to? -tsuwm
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The TEd was a typo when I was registering. You can call me Ted, now short for Theodore. I had to change my name to that as an adult. I was originally yclept Theophilus. The family story is that my father took one look at me when I was born and said, That's the awfulest looking kid I ever saw."
TEd
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ted (may i call you "ted"?)
that is a brilliant story.
isn't there a grand theophilus in the bible somewhere?
keep the jokes coming everyone!
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Someone who reads this forum but hasn't registered to post sent me this brilliant contribution, by Harold C. Schonberg:
Rickety Rackety
Boulez and Stockhausen
Serial exponents
Know all the tricks;
Opium tone-rows they
Inhale with joyousness
Dodecaphonically
Getting their kicks.
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The Gospel of Luke and the Book of Acts are both addressed to someone called Theophilus, although it's not known whether Theophilus is supposed to be the name of a real person, or whether it's a generic name meaning "lover of God", which is the meaning of the Greek elements of the name.
Bingley
Bingley
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OK, here's a tidbit: Mozart's middle name was originally Gottlieb. He changed it first to Theophilus, then to Amadeus, which stuck.
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bit of a ***t if you're called theophilus and you don't.
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I once met a lady whose married name was Liebegott. I never asked her if she did.
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Had to dredge this old thread up when I saw it mentioned to offer this tidbit: We had in our region, until he passed recently, an eccentric monied man who proclaimed himself a poet and wrote below the 4th grade level (honestly!...my 9 year old niece was writing more sophisticated work than this guy!). AND he had the audacity to buy ad space in the local trade papers to publish his work on a weekly basis...he shall remain unnamed. But, here, courtesy of this quirky quack, is what I believe to be the all-time worse opening line (or close to it) in the history of English poetry...from a poem of his about a certain type of sailing vessel. Ready? Here it is: Dread not dreadnought How's that for poetic barf, folks?...and he misspelled the former suffix as " -naught" as well!  
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It's a shame we don't have any full examples of Vogon poetry ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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'Is a caterpillar ticklish? It's long been my belief That he giggles as he wriggles Across a hairy leaf.' I would like to see this animated for a children's show.
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Vogon, Capital Kiwi?...what, or who, is that? 
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Vogon, Capital Kiwi?...what, or who, is that?
A cue I am incapable of resisiting. From The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe.
The second worst is that of the Azagoths of Kria. During a
recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his
poem "Ode To A Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One
Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal
haemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts
Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off.
Grunthos is reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's
reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-
book epic entitled My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles when his own
major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and
civilization, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled
his brain.
The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator
Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England in
the destruction of the planet Earth.
The prisoners sat in Poetry Appreciation Chairs --strapped in.
Vogons suffered no illusions as to the regard their works were
generally held in. Their early attempts at composition had been
part of bludgeoning insistence that they be accepted as a
properly evolved and cultured race, but now the only thing that
kept them going was sheer bloodymindedness.
The Vogon began to read - a fetid little passage of his own
devising.
"Oh frettled gruntbuggly ..." he began. Spasms wracked Ford's
body - this was worse than ever he'd been prepared for.
"... thy micturations are to me | As plurdled gabbleblotchits on
a lurgid bee."
"Groop I implore thee," continued the merciless Vogon, "my
foonting turlingdromes."
His voice was rising to a horrible pitch of impassioned
stridency. "And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly
bindlewurdles,| Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my
blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"
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The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England in the destruction of the planet Earth.
a cue I am *even more* incapable of resisiting.
A Lovely Swan Poem
The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool
They lay, they rotted, they turned around occasionally
Bits of flesh dropped off them from time to time
and sank into the pool's mire
they also smelt a great deal
-- Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings
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Thanks, tsuwm, where did you find that? I saw that poem on the TV series, but it's not in the books, or in the audio recordings I have, and I don't have the radio scripts, unfortunately. It is also interesting that he changed the name and sex of the poet. In the radio series, the poet is Paul Neil, not Paula Nancy. I read somewhere that the change was made for legal reasons, which I found amusing.
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Yes, but tsuwm, you left out the really interesting bit:
This poem has a long and fabulous history. Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, in its original radioplay version, contained the sentence, "The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge, Essex, England in the destruction of the planet Earth." Mr. Johnstone was and is a very real and (we're told) very awful poet, and the powers that be wished that Mr. Adams decline to include his disparaging reference to same in future incarnations of HHGG. Hence, the invention of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings. Still, the poem featured above did not appear in any of the HHGG books. No, Ms. Jennings' poetry is one of those special treats reserved for those few brave souls who obsessively watch the BBC's televisionization of HGG over and over to notice the "good bits" some clever bastard snuck into the background.
I read Johnstone's poem and wished that I'd either been tied down first, or that I could listen to Vogon poetry instead. It has such a light touch and a lilting way with words by comparison. Johnstone's poem falls into the same category (only slightly less euphonious) than the:
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Dead cats stink, and so do you.
of my childhood name-calling days.
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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Posts: 1,773 |
Mr Adams might have been unduly harsh to the Vogons, for apparently he never read any Julia Moore. Ms Moore lived in Grand Rapids, Michigan, from 1847 to 1920, and she spent a good part of her time crafting maudlin poetry. There is now an annual bad poetry contest in her name. Here is a sample: THE ORPHAN'S FRIEND Come all kind, good people, With sympathizing hearts, Come listen to a few kind words A friend to you imparts. Be kind to an orphan child, And always be its friend, You will be happy in this world, And will be to the end. Be kind to the motherless, Little motherless ones, For God will forever bless You in this world to come. No kind and loving mother To soothe their little brow, Be kind to them always, friends, They have no mother now. Be kind to the fatherless, Wherever you may find One little one that is friendless, I pray you all be kind. For it has no loving father, To speak with mild reproof, Or guide its youthful footsteps In honesty and truth. Be kind to the little orphans, They have no parents dear; Be kind to the little orphans, Speak to them words of cheer, Then they will always love you For kind and gentle words, Then God will ever bless you, For He says so in His word. For more (!), go to http://www.wmich.edu/english/txt/Moore/
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Aaaaaargh! No more! What excruciating pain! I promise faithfully to tell you all about NZ's defence policy (there is none) and trade strategy (20 years behind the times), if only you'll stop! Is there no death penalty in Michigan? Are there no laws outlawing bad poesy in the first degree? Why didn't someone just take her pen away? Oh, that's right, there are no effective laws against carrying lethal weapons in the States, are there. Damn, there OUGHT to be. [heavy relief breathing -e] Did she, by any chance, write most of the hymns sung in churches throughout the world under various pen names? I've got a contract out on them, too ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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old hand
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old hand
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Observations Regarding Potentially Maladaptive Behavior in Rana Pipiens, with Possible Impli- cations for Other Species I went to the pond, (the hour was late) And witnessed a bullfrog (he was wooing his mate.) There he was on her back, (they were swimming around) She, beast of burden, sought more solid ground. He filled the bag on his throat, (then he let out a croak) Wrapped his forelegs around her (I thought she might choke!) With him on her back, and her on the bottom, Too burdened was she, and a blue heron got 'em. So a warning to bullfrogs, (lest you act antithetical) Be kind to your mate when you act ([parent]hetical) There - that's the worst I can come up with without help. 
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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Is there no death penalty in Michigan?
No. Which explains a lot.
And Geoff, I confess that I like your bullfrog poem. You'll have to do much worse than that.
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old hand
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old hand
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Geoff, I confess that I like your bullfrog poem. You'll have to do much worse than that.
Oh, NOOOOO! You mean, I'm,....I'm merely insipid, and not maudlin? Aaaarrrgghhhhh!
Well, in recompense, here's a "good" bad one from Ogden Nash: (Wasn't an Ogden Nash an old car bought in Utah?)
Of all the fishes in the seas
The funniest is the bass.
He climbs up on tall seaweed trees,
And slides down on his
Hands and knees.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Okay--Geoff, I bet you can't come up with one THIS bad!
Geoff as a young man, for gain
Gave up flying, and he did deign
To start a rock band,
And with no name to hand,
They were known as Geoffers'own Airplane.
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journeyman
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journeyman
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Bear in There
There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.
-Shel Silverstein
One of my favorite silly poets!
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old hand
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old hand
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Yes, squid, I love Shel Silverstein. We had to do a poetry project in grade 7, basically collecing poems that we liked, and I did all silly poems and limericks, and there was at least one Shel Silverstein book which figured prominently as a source. And actually, my favourite story book is probably The Giving Tree, which is very un-silly but a great book.
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old hand
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old hand
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And actually, my favourite story book is probably The Giving Tree, which is very un-silly but a great book.And what about The Missing Piece? Another good one! I can see, Bean, that you've got "a light in (your) attic," and, being a bit adventurous, you must like to stroll "where the sidewalk ends!"
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newbie
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newbie
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Back to last words again,there once was a military man(im not sure of the name or rank)who spoke his last words in a battle when the enemy was continually missing his troops:
"They couldn't shoot an elephant from this dist-"
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
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In 1864, Gen. Sedgwick, USA's famous last words were "Those boys can't hit an elephant from this distance." More about Sedgwick from http://members.esslink.com/~channy/sedgwick.html: "General John Sedgewick (son of General John Sedgewick I, who fought with distinction in the War of the Revolution) was one of the top commanders of the Union Army during the Civil War and according to many of his admirers should have been named Commander-in-Chief. A graduate of West Point, a veteran of Indian Wars in the West and campaigns in Mexico, General Sedgewick performed heroic services at Bull Run, Antietam, and Gettysburg, but his troops, unfortunately, took extremely heavy losses. At Antietam, the General himself had two horses shot out from under him and was carried unconscious from the field of battle with three grievous wounds from which he was long in recovering. In the disasterous Chancellorsville Campaign he managed to save most of his troops, whom he led later in forced march to Gettysburg, where his timely arrival and brilliant strategy turned the tide of the Battle. At Spottsylvania, where he was boldly exposing himself to snipers while directing the artillery fire, reassuring the men that confederate sharpshooters could not hit an elephant at that distance, he was shot dead on the spot."
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member
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member
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Food for thought...
Shake and shake
the ketchup bottle;
None'll come and
then a lot'll!
Celery raw develops the jaw,
But celery stewed is more quietly chewed.
These may be by Shel Silverstein - anyone know?
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I heard a variation of the ketchup tag that went 'first you'll get a little, and then you'll get a lottle!'
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stranger
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stranger
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Bugger - I was going to add this one - it's always been my favourite (although two people knowing it means it MUST be true!)
Very similar is my favourite graffiti ever, which was allegedly written diagonally down a restaurant toilet wall...
Don't eat the fish.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Celery raw
Develops the jaw,
But celery stewed
Is more quietly chewed.
These may be by Shel Silverstein - anyone know?
It's Ogden Nash. (Your other poem may be too; I'm not sure.)
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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one of the questions which never fails to annoy me is of the sort, "Is there any word that rhymes with silver?"; thus I was overjoyed when I discovered this:(poem follows)
Another word hard-to-rhyme is "limerick":
A magician might search with his glimmer stick,
And not find find me a lad with his primer quick,
Who when pressed could supply
Any better than I
An acceptable rhyme scheme for limerick.
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newbie
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newbie
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Killer Wallpaper? Seem to recall Napoleon succumbed to it. Apparently from the arsenic in the paste -- don't know if he actually ate the stuff.
Carpe whatever
Carpe whatever
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I have no idea of the meaning of this but my Granfather (born in Leeds England, came to US as a teen) sang it on occasion :
Oh, me father had a rabbit
He thought it was a buck
Went down cellar with his tail caught up.
Oh, sugar in a basin and butter in a cup,
Call me over when your rhubarb's up!
Can anyone tell me whathtehell it means?
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I've been thinking of posting this as a new thread, but since Worse Verse came up again I might as well put it here. At an antique show recently I purchased a poetry anthology from 1960: Poetry for Pleasure, The Hallmark Book of Poetry (a commendable collection of good and hard-to-find work, don't let the "Hallmark" throw you). But in the section entitled, The Humor Sampler, Poets at Play I was aghast to find this little specimen by none other than A. E. Housman, of all people! I'm no PC Prude, but this just goes to show you how times have changed:
WHEN ADAM DAY BY DAY
by A. E. Houseman
When Adan day by day
Woke up in Paradise,
He always used to say
"Oh, this is very nice."
But Eve from scenes of bliss
Transported him for life.
The more I think of this
The more I beat my wife.
(my note: Ouch!...can you say that?)
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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whathtehell it means?yeahbut. d'you really wanna know?!
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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he more I think of this
The more I beat my wife.
(my note: Ouch!...can you say that?)
Sure, you can say it. But it might really cost you if you try it.
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