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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661 |
...Consider too that what you are describing is not something that most people have thought about. In a way, your thoughts do not have the luxury of a ready context in our society’s thoughts about ex-loves.
Perhaps you could construct an analogy or metaphor that represents such a person,...I, as one who can relate directly, can imagine there are plenty enough people who have thought about it, whether through experience, literature, theatre or even soap opera's/motion pictures... but, of course, agree with the "most" as quantity. I suppose that if it was "a ready context in our society’s thoughts" we'd already have a specific word for it. It does, however, seem ready *enough... since the question is now being posed.  The 'ember' analogy holds up nicely to Dgeigh's *requirements. CathCoy, did you actually® have a word then lose it, or was the concept so strong that you had everything but the word?
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Joined: Mar 2001
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379 |
Assuming the relationship hasn't just died down, but one has been left, or forced to leave unwillingly, the process of healing is akin to mourning. You might, then, look in the **direction** of 'the demised.' (which is not, not, not to say that's the prize word, y'all. I know.)
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Joined: Sep 2004
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stranger
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OP
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Posts: 22 |
Thanks for bringing this up, musick. I never had the word but, as you say, the concept is so strong that it needs a word. In fact, this "condition" is so commonplace--as I discovered when I began my research by interviewing jilted lovers which is just about every single one of us at one time or another--that I'm surprised there is no word yet to describe it concisely. I'm going back and forth between "Unlover" and "Beloved," and giving myself permission to use both. Here's Chapter 1 as it stands now. Some of you will recognize your well-turned phrasing.
Chapter 1 – Defining the Challenge
The first chapter of any self-help book is probably hardest to pen because much groundwork must be laid for the discussion that follows. The vocabulary for the topic must sometimes be defined, especially when the topic is esoteric or emotion laden. Sometimes there isn’t even a word for what is meant to be conveyed. Such is the “problem” of what to call the person for or with whom we experienced a profound love but from whom we must now emotionally extricate ourselves, especially when we would rather maintain or advance the relationship but circumstances prevent us from doing so.
Upon first taking to my keyboard, I referred to my former lover as "the Beloved.” Some who reviewed the beginning drafts of this book suggested that I refer to him in a less romantic or endearing term; that the very use of the word “beloved” suggested an ongoing relationship with that person. The Beloved, I was told, is too reverential, idealized and present-tense. The relationship is over, even if in name only, so the word for that person should reflect this.
My critiquers offered many suggestions. Words like “my attachment,” “the one I loved” or “past lover” were suggested to take the charge off a discussion about the Beloved. “The Stringer” was suggested, as in someone who strings us along until we’re worn out from his/her disingenuousness. "The Ember" was another good suggestion, as in still very warm but no longer in the fire, and because of that the relationship will eventually die out. For a more wistful term, there's "lost love." There’s always ex-lover, but how do you ex-love someone? There’s “past love,” “ex-boyfriend/girlfriend,” “former sweetheart,” etc., but none of these terms hit the nail on the head.
Our language really has no precise word for the feeling of longing and desire for a love that one knows will never be. Such a word would have to encompass the emotions one feels when thinking of such a person, as well as the broader ideas of lost love, lost hope and lost time. To condense all of those things down into one stand-alone, somewhat clinical definition is quite a task, which may be why an apt word does not yet exist.
I resisted any words with even a hint of condemnation. I submit that it’s unhelpful to demonize or neutralize the Beloved and, during my own detachment, I refused to do so. We can cherish the memories and recognize the authenticity of the relationship by acknowledging, “I would not be who I am without this experience.” The relationship happened. It had a soul and a life force, albeit a force that needs to be forsaken now.
Finally, I thought, I’ll have to coin a word—for there surely is a language gap—to describe a love that must be abandoned, for whatever reason, while still fervently felt. Naming a thing gives us a certain amount of control over its effect on us inwardly. And since this is a book about taking back your heart, control, at long last, is a very fine thing indeed.
The lyrics of this song come closest to what I wanted to convey.
"Unlove Me" (lyrics by Julie Roberts)
Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Unlive the nights you kissed and hugged me
Undream the dreams that we both shared
Unfeel the feelin' that you cared
Before you leave me, please unlove me
Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Let me go back to the way I was before we met
Back to the day when I was strong
When it wasn't sad to be alone
When I was happy-go-lucky
And I didn't know how good it felt
To hold you and feel my heart melt
Show me a little mercy and unlove me
Untie all the strings between your heart and mine
But do it real slow, so I don't have to lose you all at one time
Before you pack your bags and leave
One thing I wish you'd do for me
Take a little time to just unlove me
Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Let me go back to the way I was before we met
Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Before you leave me, please unlove me
Show a little mercy and unlove me
Perhaps "the Unlover" works well here in reference to the start of the process of unloving the Beloved, but maybe not so well down the road. In any event, I’ll avoid the straitjacket of using any term exclusively and, for now, if only to provide brevity for the reader, most of the time call the object of our love “the Unlover” and our own role as “the Lover.”
I will not address the emotional needs of the Unlover because, for the object of our love, there's a gain in being the Unlover that is beyond the scope of this discussion. We're talking about you, the Lover, and your need to release yourself from love that will break you—if you let it.
* * *
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stranger
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stranger
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insalpeter, your suggestion is also apt. The situation I'm describing, however, is all the more problematic because the "deceased" is still alive! There is still the ability, in some cases, to pick up the phone and speak to the Unlover. That's the problem! So some of society's aids to grieving aren't available to the person intractably in love. After a while, nobody wants to hear about your broken heart. I intend to cover this subtle nuance of grief briefly in another chapter. Thanks for your insight.
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
Gee, tsuwm, maybe we should call this concept-looking-for-a-word an unbegging term? Cath, this word in and of itself doesn't evoke the past, but if the context around it did, then perhaps it would be understood: what about "idol"?
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Joined: Sep 2004
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stranger
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Thanks, Jackie. I'm going to ruminate on "idol" for a while. It has possibilities.
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Well, it's over a week later, and I'm not much closer to finding the precise word, although I've further fleshed out the problem. In fact, I've changed the working title to "Unchain Your Own Heart--How to Unlove Someone in 30 Days...or Less." All your contributions are so appreciated!
Chapter 1 – Defining the Challenge
The first chapter of any self-help book is probably hardest to pen because much groundwork must be laid for the discussion that follows. The vocabulary for the topic must sometimes be defined, especially when the topic is esoteric or emotion laden. Sometimes there isn’t even a word for what is meant to be conveyed. Such is the “problem” of what to call the person for or with whom we experienced a profound love but from whom we must now emotionally extricate ourselves, especially when we would rather maintain or advance the relationship but circumstances prevent us from doing so.
Upon first taking to my keyboard, I referred to my former lover as "my beloved.” Some who reviewed the beginning drafts of this book suggested that I refer to him in a less romantic or endearing term; that the very use of the word “beloved” suggested an ongoing relationship with that person. My beloved, I was told, is too reverential, idealized and present-tense. The relationship is over, even if in name only, so the word for that person should reflect this.
My critiquers offered many suggestions. Words like “my attachment,” “the one I loved” or “past lover” were suggested to take the charge off a discussion about a beloved. “The Stringer” was suggested, as in someone who strings us along until we’re worn out from his/her disingenuousness. "The Ember" was another good suggestion, as in still very warm but no longer in the fire, and because of that the relationship will eventually die out. For a more wistful term, there's "lost love." There’s always ex-lover, but how do you ex-love someone? There’s “past love,” “ex-boyfriend/ girlfriend,” “former sweetheart,” etc., but none of these terms hit the nail on the head. Someone whimsically suggested, “the one whose protective shell remained impervious to the love I poured over it” but that’s another book entirely!
I resisted any words with even a hint of condemnation. I submit that it’s unhelpful to demonize or neutralize the beloved and, during my own detachment, I refused to do so. We can cherish the memories and recognize the authenticity of the relationship by acknowledging, “I would not be who I am without this experience.” The relationship happened. It had a soul and a life force, albeit a force that needs to be forsaken now.
Our language really has no precise word for the feeling of longing and desire for a love that one knows will never be. Such a word would have to encompass the emotions one feels when thinking of such a person, as well as the broader ideas of lost love, lost hope and lost time. To condense all of those things down into one stand-alone, somewhat clinical definition is quite a task, which may be why an apt word does not yet exist.
Finally, I thought, I’ll have to coin a word—for there surely is a language gap—to describe a love that must be abandoned while still fervently felt. Naming a thing gives us a certain amount of control over its effect on us inwardly. And since this is a book about taking back your heart, control—at long last—is a very fine thing indeed.
The lyrics of this song come closest to what I wanted to convey.
"Unlove Me" (lyrics by Julie Roberts)
Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Unlive the nights you kissed and hugged me
Undream the dreams that we both shared
Unfeel the feelin' that you cared
Before you leave me, please unlove me
Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Let me go back to the way I was before we met
Back to the day when I was strong
When it wasn't sad to be alone
When I was happy-go-lucky
And I didn't know how good it felt
To hold you and feel my heart melt
Show me a little mercy and unlove me
Untie all the strings between your heart and mine
But do it real slow, so I don't have to lose you all at one time
Before you pack your bags and leave
One thing I wish you'd do for me
Take a little time to just unlove me
Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Let me go back to the way I was before we met
Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Before you leave me, please unlove me
Show a little mercy and unlove me
When reading the "Unlove Me" lyrics, I couldn't help but hear the late, great Ray Charles pleading
Unchain my heart, baby let me be,
Unchain my heart, 'cause you don't care about me.
You got me sewn up like a pillow case,
But you let my love go to waste,
So unchain my heart, oh please, baby, set me free.
Unchain my heart, baby let me go,
Unchain my heart, 'cause you don't love me no more,
Every time I call you on the phone,
Some fella tells me that you're not at home,
I'm under your spell, like a man in a trance,
But I know darn well, that I don't stand a chance.
Unchain my heart, let me go my way,
Unchain my heart, you worry me night and day.
Why lead me through a life of misery,
When you don't care a bag of beans for me,
So unchain my heart, oh please, baby, set me free.
I'm under your spell, like a man in a trance,
You know darn well, that I don't stand a chance.
So unchain my heart, let me go my way,
Unchain my heart, you worry me night and day.
Why lead me through a life of misery,
When you don't care a bag of beans for me,
So unchain my heart, please, baby, set me free.
Won't you set me free...
It struck me that the lyrics to both songs are actually expressing the opposite of the goal of this book, which is to empower one to unchain their own heart, rather than ceding control of the "unlove" process to the unrequiter by pleading with him/her to release the bonds. We're talking about you, the Lover, and your need to release yourself from love that falls short of the mutual love, respect and commitment you deserve.
Perhaps "the Unloved" works well here at the start of the process of unloving a beloved, but maybe not so well down the road. Unloved is pronounced like the noun form of beloved (bee-lov-ved) and, in this context, is also a noun. Un-lov-ved. In any event, I’ll avoid the straitjacket of using any term exclusively and, for now, if only to provide brevity for the reader, most of the time call the object of our love “the Unloved” and our own role as “the Lover.”
While this book will not directly address the emotional needs of the Unloved, there are several scenarios in which the skills promoted by this book are appropriate, including:
1) The Unloved is loved from afar, and s/he may not even know that the Lover is in love with them, and has certainly never expressed love for the Lover;
2) The Unloved is in a relationship with the Lover, and may even express love for the Lover, but acts in a selfish, cold, unloving way;
3) The Unloved is in fact madly in love with the Lover, but is a person who isn’t right for the Lover, or who may be the right person at the wrong time or is unavailable, emotionally or legally or both.
There are probably more permutations of love entanglements that fall short of the reciprocal love, attention and focus you seek. The bottom line is that, you, the Lover, must move on. By defining the object of your love in a matter-of-fact way, you take the wistful longing out of your everyday life, turn it into productive love energy and point it toward the future.
* * *
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Posts: 33
newbie
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newbie
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 33 |
"Unchain Your Own Heart--How to Unlove Someone in 30 Days...or Less."
Great title, CathCoy. Your book is headed for success.
I'll take two. One for myself and one for a friend.
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stranger
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Thanks, MELT. I'll remember that. :-)
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Posts: 389
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389 |
Razbliuto [ros-blee-oo-toe] (noun), Russian
This melancholic, bittersweet word is used to describe lost love. Specifically, it’s a feeling a person has for someone he or she once loved but no longer feels the same way about. It’s a brilliantly succinct word and captures that feeling of the maddeningly ephemeral nature of love.
This book just came in to one of our little libraries.
In Other Words
A Language Lover’s Guide to the Most Intriguing Words Around the World
Christopher J. Moore
Levenger Press
I PM'd CathCoy with this, but I posted too - for old time's sake...
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