I ass|u|me y'all know about rednecks. [one of my favorite 'outlaw' tunes is Jerry Jeff Walker's "Up against the Wall, redneck mothers".] here are some excerpts from the 2002 edition of "you might be a redneck if...":

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Dear tsuwm: I don't get this one:"You have the local taxidermist on speed dial."

I'd wager it's for the roadkill, bill.

Being a half redneck mah own sef, I'd bet it's for head of the deer I done hunted.

But if they eat their fill of roadkill, why involve the taxidermist? How many stuffed skunks do they need?

>How many stuffed skunks do they need?

depends.... there's all those kinda-cousins.

Can't tell the skunks from the cousins without a program.

Ah yes, wouldn't it be a wonderful world if all classes of mankind could learn to laugh at their ignorance, poverty, and lack of the cosmopolitan as we rednecks. The only other groups that seem to be able to laugh at themselves are New Zealanders and computer nerds. But sometimes I think... computer nerds just don't get the joke.

Thanks for these Tsuwm. I saw a US comedian do what I thought was "the" redneck routine a few years ago and laughed myself sick. Do you recall who he may have been? Big guy - looked like Wyatt Earp.

My fave then was "...you mow the lawn and find six vehicles..." and "....you expect the red and orange lights to flash in sequence before the green".

Took me months to work out "...you have to climb the town water tower to defend your sister's honour"

stales

How about the redeneck who boasted to his dad that his girl was still a virgin. Dad replied, get rid of her. If she ain't good enough for her kinfolk, she ain't good enough for us.

stales,

That was more than likely Jeff Foxworthy, the king of redneck one-liners and, I believe, the author of the lines quoted by tsuwm in his start-up post.

re: The only other groups that seem to be able to laugh at themselves are New Zealanders and computer nerds.

speaking for blondes... we object to blonde jokes, and then point out we know a better one, and did you hear about the blonde out walking in the country?

they came upon some tracks, and one blonde said --"I took a course in natural survival, i learned, if you study the tracks, you can figure out what kind of aninmal made them!"

so the second blonde said "do you want to try?"

the oncoming train killed them before they could figure it out

If a blonde and a brunette fall out of the window of a 50-storey building at the same time, which one will hit the ground first? Well, the brunette, of course, because the blonde would have to stop and ask the way ...

The only other groups that seem to be able to laugh at themselves are New Zealanders and computer nerds.

I resemble that statement!! We Aussies are better than those K1W1s (ok, CK, MAx, with the exception of the current series of cricket)... even at laughing at ourselves .

Hev

"no longer a stranger..."