Dear Agony Aunt,

One of our cats, Samwise, has turned out to be a bibliophage. I caught him on the chair in the computer room gnawing at a corner of the AHD4. While I appreciate his interest in things lexical, I'm concerned. What's next? The Compact OED? What should I do?

Signed,

Ailuro/bibliophile

Dear cat/bookphreak,

Try weaning him off from word-books and onto something less filling; science-fiction, for example, has almost no calories -- if he develops a taste for it.

-auntie ron

Keep a very close eye on the letter box.

Give him a copy of the Da Vinci code. If he doesn't eat it, it shows he's a discrning booklover, if he does, he's rid the world of one more copy.

Dear Aurilo,

Before you can determine the best course of action to reduce the damage caused by your litter-rate moggy, you will need to understand his motivation. Is it a particular letter of the alphabet that attracts him? Or is he, for instance, interested in all six-syllable words ending in -tion?

And ask yourself this: Is the AHD4 a suitable dictionary for any reasonable purpose, anyway? Would you not, for instance, be better to donate the AHD4 to Samwise as his plaything and invest in a better dictionary - say, the Pocket Oxford - instead?

As a last resort, I suggest you pick the AHD4, up hold it over Samwise and drop the fucking thing on the little bastard's head.

- Auntie Pfranzine

I caught him on the chair in the computer room gnawing at a corner of the AHD4. ... I'm concerned. What's next?

Let him gnaw on Faldage. It will save Plutarch the trouble.

Just kidding. It's no trouble.

[P.S. If he can't get satisfaction boning up on Faldage, Faldage needs to bone up on his own education. ]

Let him gnaw on Faldage

On second thought, maybe your cat has tired of Faldage. Perhaps he is seeking a higher education.

If we observe a dramatic deterioration in the quality of Faldage's postings [which hardly seems possible*], we'll all know why. He has fallen into a catatonic stupor.

* Some would say, but I would not be one of them.

I believe Faldage has struck the perfect balance between erudition and imbecility. This is truly the highest expression of the comedic arts. It may appear off-handed or guiless, but that is the very measure of his genius.

No-one appreciates this more than Plutarch.

Truly.

"Faldage and Plutarch", "Laurel and Hardy" for the AWAD generation

Dear Aunties,

thank you for the imiginative ideas. Auntie Ronnette is on the right track, I think: wouldn't want Sam turning into a fat cat. We've got some old sci-fi mags around here somewhere. Curmudgeon Pfranzine must of course be taken with a grain of salt. Anyway, we already have the OED an sich; why would we want the Pocket? Maybe to carry around in the car. The paperback AHD4 is in the car, along with other emergency supplies.

TEd, for once one of your puns was funny -- and appropriate. Yes, I LLOL'd.
And Max, unfortunately, we've sent along Mr Brown's opus to Juan.