My Dad and I share a slightly wacky sense of humour (just as well we don't often need it at the same time ) - and a frequent source of amusement has been found on instruction sheets on modern products. For example, I love the brusque independence of pill bottles which command you to
Line up the arrows and push off

And surely this is general wisdom which we ignore at our peril? -
Keep away from small children

What are the examples others have encountered?

Tear along the dotted line has always conjured the vision of small insects practising for sprint races along the tops of corn-flakes packets.
There are also plenty of other salutary warnings about children - Beware. children at play has a decidedly ominous note.

Beware. children at play has a decidedly ominous note.

The lack of punctuation on signs enables the "children at Play" warning to take an even more ominous turn when it is "Slow Children at Play."

I've always been fond of Curb Your Dog and Soft Shoulder , as well as the afore- and elsewhere-mentioned Mind Your Head.

Continuing the road theme, the highway sign "CYCLISTS USE LEFT SHOULDER" has been confounding riders of deadly treadlies here for some time.

and a frequent source of amusement has been found on instruction sheets on modern products.

Instructions translated from another language have traditionally been a great source of these, although I think they've lifted their game a tad. Somewhere I have (or had) a long list of them. Only one springs to mind immediately:

Product not to be used outside or inside.

Way off-topic, but Marty reminds me of one of my favorite things: funny translations. Here's one web site:
http://anotherlanguage.com/funny.htm

Ha!- some lovely ones, thanks!

I came across a drink container recently that admonished me to
Stand upright in a cool place

which seems to confirm a similar view:
Do not stand in direct sunlight

My dad reminds me of the instruction which made him think of Jonah and the whale:
If accidentally swallowed, consult a doctor
Fair enough - sounds good advice (is there a sturgeon in the house?)
Concerning swallowing, I like the beer bottle that comands:
Remove cap before swallowing
- how do they know what I'm wearing!

On the general 'road' theme I have seen
Joe's Body Works
which must be reassuring!

And the local UK roadworks sign (which-may-not-translate-if-you-are-reading-this-in-a-country-without-glass-reflectors-in-the-roads) which offered the rather cruella
Cats' Eyes Removed

But the animals get their own back: I have seen a sign on a gate warning visitors:
Dog Loose Inside!

Clive (from Oz) reminds all of the sign in the Budapest hotel lobby:

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable."

(is there a sturgeon in the house?)
Concerning swallowing, I like the beer bottle that comands:
Remove cap before swallowing
- how do they know what I'm wearing!

I love it, mav! Esp. the sturgeon!
Re: the cap--I thought maybe that meant to remove the cap so you don't swallow the bottle along with the cap! ;-)

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A bit off-topic (or maybe a bit-off topic!) is the billboard I saw some time ago, advertising the
Dip & Drip Pool Company. Odd names those owners have.

>Tear along the dotted line
In my younger days I owned two chow dogs, both of whom had impressive manes and were a little crazed. I called them Signon the Dotty Lion and Tearon the Dotty Lion.

Today I have only one dog, Boxer Shorts.

>the instruction which made him think of Jonah and the whale:

Few people know that when Jonah was delivered up from the whale he was immediately swallowed by a gigantic chicken. Thus we have the phrase, "out of leviathan into the fryer."

On the general 'road' theme I have seen
Joe's Body Works which must be reassuring!

This reminded me of my high school English teacher, who suggested to her her husband, a pharmacist that his store's slogan should be: "We Dispense with Accuracy."

I don't know if any other country has the stickers on the back of the car which say something like -
"Drive carefully - baby on board!"

I've always taken this to mean - as for the rest of you - drive how you like, you are totally dispensable!

> :"We Dispense with Accuracy."

Hah!!

And that reminds me of when my first child was on the way and my wife and I were looking through a mail-order catalogue from Mothercare (a UK chainstore). It was only when we got to the small print that my wife got alarmed at the warning:
Allow 28 days for delivery

I grew up with the sinister 'lollipop ladies' - dear old sweeties who hung around outside schools supposedly controlling traffic, but bearing placards that proclaimed their true intent:
STOP CHILDREN

...and since my fellow gutter-dweller is reading this thread, I have to mention the street sign I used to drive past in West London:

SLOW! Hump in road

Not an instruction I ever obeyed...

my fellow gutter-dweller

Oh, OH! You-all are making me laugh so hard, tears are in
my eyes! This is GREAT!

You-all know what? There could be some interesting combinations: e.g., hump in road--dispense with accuracy.

SLOW! Hump in road

Not an instruction I ever obeyed...

Wonderful!! Thank you Bridget.

I will not deign to make play with your name in the circumstances...

I'm always fascinated by the sign often seen beside large construction sites: "BEWARE. HEAVY PLANT CROSSING"

I have kept my eyes peeled for a Triffid or an Ent - or even a huorn - but so far have only seen JCBs and bulldozers.

>I have kept my eyes peeled for a Triffid or an Ent

You have ents on that side of the pond too? Ours over here tend to be a bit out of control most of the time.

Ted wanders off whistling "Ent Misbehaving"

Ted wanders off whistling "Ent Misbehaving"

Oh, I would have expected "ENt Misbehaving"

Ent Misbehaving

It is patently obvious that it is their parents that are to blame. They should have recognized that misbehaviour is a latent tendent-cy.

>Oh, I would have expected "ENt Misbehaving"<
Eh, sorry, would you mind letting me in on this? Maybe I am not the only puzzled foreigner reading this board..

TEd carries a promise of double capitalisation of words.

puzzled foreigner

But at least we're in a polite company, wsieber. I can still remember the shock as a naive 20-something to find myself greeted in Nu Yoick as an alien - have a nice day, now!

Which I guess is one of the reasons I still respond to the Sting song along the same theme. Speaking of which brings me to a monde (but not a full one): a friend used to swear this song's lyrics contained the immortal poetry "I'm a Luther Aryan, I'm an Aryan in New York"

Well, I was puzzled, but not alienated, by "monde". My first thought it was the French word for world. Then I finally remembered mondegreen. And yep, all visitors/
residents from outside the U.S. are "aliens", to some officials, unless they obtain citizenship, as far as I know.

>Well, I was puzzled, but not alienated, by "monde". My first thought it was the French word for world. Then I finally remembered mondegreen. And yep, all visitors/residents from outside the U.S. are "aliens", to some officials, unless they obtain citizenship, as far as I know.

My wife is an attorney who has filed a class action law suit to allow all of the aliens in the US to move to a special cantonment in the United States where they can practice free love. Truly she is suing for alien nation of affection.

>I have kept my eyes peeled for a Triffid or an Ent
You have ents on that side of the pond too?

Back-tracking a bit because of the time zone differences, but I think over Max Q's way an ent would live in an enthill and be eaten by an enteater.

Come in, Max!

I have kept my eyes peeled for a Triffid or an Ent - or even a huorn - but so far have only seen JCBs and bulldozers.

JCB's?? (or JCBs is you prefer). Where is this expression used? US? UK? I'm not into roadmaking in a big way, but I'd never run into it before (sorry!). From my 45 seconds of research it would appear that JCB is a manufacturing company for earthmoving equipment whose name has made the jump into ordinary usage (see recent AWAD weekly theme etc). Caterpillars and D9s here, yes, but not JCB's.

I'm trying to remember bits of Gerard Hoffnung's hilarious talk to the Oxford Union in which he quotes some replies from hotelkeepers regarding bookings. I'll hunt through my collection for the original 10-inch LP [remember them?] and post them here over the weekend. Any other Hoffnung fans out there?

other Hoffnung fans out there

YES

...we live by a precipice, and do hope you will drop in
... a french widow in every room

Please do post!

Caterpillars and D9s here, yes, but not JCB's...

Well, actually they are pretty much in evidence all over the world, but started out as a small UK agricultural machinery firm, founded by Mr JC Bamford. Here's their corporate blurb:

“Since being established in 1945 by Joseph Cyril Bamford, JCB has become the fifth largest manufacturer of construction equipment in the world by volume.
Growing from a small lock-up garage in Staffordshire to seven UK factory sites, a joint venture manufacturing plant in India, eight subsidiary sales companies and eleven regional offices around the world, JCB is one of Britain’s most impressive success stories. The company now produces a wide range of machines for use in construction, industrial and agricultural applications.
One of the key factors in JCB’s outstanding success is the constant pursuit of new ideas. The first major innovation was the backhoe loader for which JCB is now world market leader. It was followed by the JCB Loadall, the world’s No.1 telescopic handler; the JCB Robot, the world’s safest skid steer; and the JCB Fastrac, the world’s first truly high speed tractor.
The full range of products - backhoe loaders, telescopic handlers, wheeled loaders, mini excavators, skid steer loaders, rough terrain forklifts, tracked and wheeled excavators and the JCB high speed tractor are sold throughout the world. “

See the full glory including a virtual tour of some headquarters building:
http://www.jcb.co.uk/index1.htm

The local Anglo-Welsh usage where I live is to call the backhoe a "Jack Codi Bawr", which roughly translates as Jack Earth Mover - something quite friendly-sounding, like Jack of all trades. So did the earth move for you?

JCB's become very important when one has small children. I have known friends drive their children miles off route (pronounced root, as you may know) because they thought they might see a JCB.

First words - dada, mama, tractor, JCB!

First words - dada, mama, tractor, JCB!

Horribly true, all of it! And my 12 year old son has just rubbed my nose in it by disdainfully correcting my Welsh: "Jac Codi Baw, Daaad! There's no K in Welsh." So now you all know - there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a seperate language but even has a different alphabet! Here endeth the lesson.

>there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a separate language but even has a different alphabet!

As I once lived in Wales I know what you mean! I await further instructions from Scotland as I have never heard JBC pronounced here. In England J=jay like lay, in Scotland J=jai to rhyme with high.

Thanks Maverick. As foreshadowed, I have transcribed some gems from Gerard Hoffnung’s talk at the Oxford Union in 1958 which included the hilarious ‘bricklayer’s story’ and some replies received from Tyrolean landlords to letters seeking accommodation. For best effect, these should be read aloud, in a declamatory voice, to a responsive audience:

- I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have here not bedroom with bath, but bathroom with bed I have. I can, though, give you a washing, with pleasure, in a most clean spring with no person to see. I insist that you will like this.

- I am amazing diverted by your entreaty for a room. I can offer you a commodious chamber with balcony imminent to the romantic gorge, and I hope you want to drop in.

- A vivacious stream washes my doorstep, so do not concern yourself that I am not too good in bath, I am superb in bed.

- Sorrowfully, I cannot abide your auto.

- Having freshly taken over the proprietary of this notorious house, I am wishful that you remove to me your esteemed costume. Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every bedroom – affording delightful prospects. I give personal look to the interior wants of each guest. Here you shall be well fed up and agreeably drunk. Our charges for weekly visitors are scarcely creditable. Peculiar arrangements for gross parties. Our motto is ‘Ever serve you right’.

there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a seperate language but even has a different alphabet!

I agree with you there. In my high school years we had a drama teacher from England who, on one fateful day, startled the class by asking a student to make the sound of a cock. Here in Canada a cock is not a male chicken but a protruding part of the male anatomy. Thirty awestruck students watched as one, very red-faced, fellow got up and went pssssssssssss. The sad part is that she started arguing about it, saying, "that was NOT the sound of a cock, I want a cock, a cock, don't you know what a cock is." Picture it...thirty 14 year olds (mention cock once in high school and you have a disturbance, several times and it is havoc). A bit high strung that teacher, she left soon after. Sad really.

Oh and to get back to original point. I live in Quebec, Canada where it is mandatory to have both French and English on everything, with French featured first. Public pools are identified with this dubious sign <PISCINE POOL> (pronounce "PISS IN POOL". I never go there.