Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem one afternoon when he happened to catch
sight of himself in a mirror. (And I'll bet you didn't even know there were
full-length mirrors back then.) He was shocked. "Jesus," he said to himself,
"do you need a new robe!" So he began to keep an eye out for a tailor. Sure
enough, he found a little hole in the wall tailor shop on Damascus Street,
with a sign, "Samuel the Tailor, Robes a Specialty."
Jesus ducked into the shop, and the little old guy looked up at him and said,
"Jesus, do you need a new robe." Samuel took a few measurements and said,
"Come back tomorrow after lunch; it'll be ready and I guarantee you'll
be happy."
So Jesus comes back the next afternoon and tries on the robe. His elation
knew no bounds, it was cut from the finest material, expertly tailored, and
it draped divinely. Jesus said to Samuel, "How much?"
"Jesus, for you, nothing," replied Samuel. "But I might ask you a favor.
When you're preaching, at the end of your sermon you might say something
like, 'You have probably noticed this beautiful robe. I got it at Samuel the
Tailor's on Damascus Street in Jerusalem." Jesus agreed and went on his way.
Some months later, he became curious and hiked over to Damascus street. The
little hole in the wall tailor shop was gone, replaced by an emporium that
took up a whole block, with customers standing in line waiting to get in.
Just at that moment Samuel spied him. "Jesus! Jesus! Come in and let me
thank you."
As they sat sipping a cup of wine, Samuel broached his idea: "Jesus, you and
I should go into business. You do the advertising and I'll do the tailoring.
We'll make a fortune."
"Sounds good," replied Jesus, "and we can call it Jesus and Samuel."
"Well," hedged Samuel, "I had in mind calling it Samuel and Jesus."
"But," countered Jesus, "it's my name recognition."
After two hours of haggling, they agreed on:
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You'll love it:
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Lord and Taylor
I should point out that this story comes from teD.
Well, tsuwm, now you've done it. I've no choice but to tell one of my Pope jokes. It's no shaggy dog, but it's what I've got.
An executive at a major advertising agency learns that they've just lost a couple of huge accounts, and decides that some serious innovation is called for to keep his firm from completely hitting the skids. They've got an opportunity to come up with a new campaign for the world dairy industry, and he knows they've got to get it if the firm's going to stay afloat. The exec thinks and thinks, and, in the end, comes up with a brilliant plan.
He approaches the firm's board of directors, and says "I've got a phenomenal idea. I need you to give me a million dollars, and I promise you'll be thrilled with the results." The board members hesitate, but they know this guy's track record and decide to give him a shot at it.
Next, the exec gets an audience with the Pope. He enters into His presence and says "Holy Father, I have a proposition to make you." "Yes, my son, what is it?" replies his Eminence. The exec can tell he's onto something good, and says "I've got a million dollars, which I will give you in exchange for granting me one small request. I want you to change the words to the Lord's Prayer to 'give us this day our daily milk."
The Pope pauses, and then replies "You want me to take a million dollars and change the words to this, the most fundamental prayer of an ancient faith? Oh, my son, I am sorry, but such an act would be out of the question."
The exec, disappointed, leaves Rome and goes back to his board: "Well, it didn't quite work out. It turns out I aimed too low. I need to ask you for 10 million dollars, and I promise I can bring home the milk account." The board debates the request for some time, and in the end grants him the money.
Back at the Vatican, the ad man arranges another audience with the Pope, and makes his offer: "I'll give you 10 million dollars if you will only change that single word of the Lord's Prayer." Once again, the Holy Father, with a sad look in his eye, replies that he cannot: "To take your $10 million, and make a change that might so profoundly affect the lives of the faithful - I cannot do it, my son."
Discouraged, but determined, the exec goes back to his board, this time asking for $100 million dollars. There is great debate amongst the board members, but the exec argues long and hard with them and, at last, they grant his request.
He returns once again to Rome, offering the Pope 100 million dollars if He'll change the words to the Lord's Prayer to "give us this day our daily milk." The Pope ponders this request, sitting in silence, clearly seeking counsel of His Boss. After a long silence he says "My son, you've got a deal."
Elated, the exec hurries away from the Vatican, confident that upon his return the board of directors will give him an enormous bonus, and that his company will be guaranteed to get the big milk account.
With the audience at an end, the Pope calls together the Council of Cardinals. Once they are all assembled, he tells them "I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news. The good news is, we've got 100 million dollars. The bad news is - we lost the Wonder Bread account."
C'mon TEd. You gonna' let those two get away scot free?
I don't even know who Ted is, but I am dying to hear his retort. Come on Ted...............
I'm sorry, but I don't get it. Lord and Taylor? So what?
Bingley
... is an upscale USn department store, Bingley.
I wonder how deep this thread had previously been buried? Welcome, Glinda.
Glinda:
Do NOT pay the ransom. I got away from the kidnappers.
I've been around here for several years now, sometimes very active, sometimes not. Passive-aggressive perhaps?
Anyway, my favorite humor is the pun, be it a one-liner or a shaggy dog story like the one that tsuwm resurrected (I hesitated to use that word in this context but what the heck.)
I've been writing and telling these stories for many years. Some of them are original, some I've merely "borrowed" from others. A couple of years ago I found out that MaxQ had gone to the effort of compiling every pun post I made here and putting the compilation on his web site. Don't know if they're still there but it remains the most flattering thing anyone has ever done for me. I truly felt as though I had at long last been published as so many of us here secretly and not-so-secretly hope for. I believe it also was Max who placed on line the complete text of my novel Poker Club, which had come THIS CLOSE to being published eight or nine years ago.
I haven't been as active in the past year or so because, having retired, I find I don't have the time I used to. For which circumstance there are some who have breathed a deep sigh of relief, I suspect. I'm a full-time househusband with a wonderful long-suffering wife, Peggy, two small kids, Theo, 8, and Sasha, 6. And a new workshop that I built to have a place to build furniture to fill up this huge old house we bought about a year ago.
I just put the first coat of finish on my first major project in the new shop, a mission-style bed of cherry wood for Theo. Next week I start on a pencil-post bed for the marital chamber (quite appropriate what with my propensity to write as much as I do.) I think it'll take me about two weeks to complete that project, most of which will be spent working on perfect octagonal tapers on 8-foot long wood posts. Then Peggy wants me to build around 300 to 500 linear feet of built-in shelves with study carrels for our fourth bedroom, which will be a combination guest bedroom, library, and study hall for the kids.
All of this is to explain why I have again been among the missing. Oh, yeah, we also went to the beach for a week where we didn't have computer access. Every time I have a hiatus I feel almost compelled to explain why and to ask forgiveness. It's really wonderful that people think enough of me to notice when I've been missing.
I love ALL of you!!!!
TEd
PS
The TEd was a typo when I first registered here. Not an affectation at all, as it does appear on the surface. When I was born my father wanted to name me Theophilus because "That's theophilus looking baby I've ever seen." Mom prevailed.
TR
In reply to:
A couple of years ago I found out that MaxQ had gone to the effort of compiling every pun post I made here and putting the compilation on his web site. Don't know if they're still there but it remains the most flattering thing anyone has ever done for me. I truly felt as though I had at long last been published as so many of us here secretly and not-so-secretly hope for. I believe it also was Max who placed on line the complete text of my novel Poker Club, which had come THIS CLOSE to being published eight or nine years ago.
It took some finding, but both are still floating around the ether. Would you like me to post their URLs here, TEd?
Aw, shucks, I was hopin' you'd ask. Sure.
while you're at it, I would love to see the explanation on how to cut those pencil-posts you mentioned, TEd. I've long had a dream(mostly likely to stay that way...) of doing just such a thing.
I would love to see the explanation on how to cut those pencil-posts you mentioned, TEd.
Me too TEd please.
There are two ways to do it, one with a band saw and the other with a table saw. I'm not going to bore a bunch of people with the details, but I can get Peggy to scan the two articles and then I can email them to you and bel. Or else I can copy them and snail 'em to you.
The band saw one relies more on handwork, while the table saw solution relies on a much more technical thing with an 8-foot long jig that allows you to rotate the workpiece an eighth of a turn between cuts.
table saw
that's the one for me, but hang on to it for a bit(now don't drill me with puns...); I'm visiting family in Iowa right now, and a big email file wouldn't work... but I'll be in touch. thanks!