FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS
UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

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Yes, that brought a wide smile to my face, having long been free of Offal Express on my PC. Homegrown is best for email, says he, plugging the superb Pegasus once more. http://www.pmail.com NZ once again helping keep the world virus-free.

Someone (a nurse in fact), once asked me whether having an anti-virus programme on my computer had helped me to stop getting sick! Talk about the Twilight Zone! I stumbled though when trying to define what a real virus is.
Foot and mouth (hoof) disease is a virus, right? BSE is not though, right? I've read numerous articles on the subject, but not one adequately explained the nature of disease.

If you want a laugh read this over-confident EU report on BSE:
http://europa.eu.int/comm/food/fs/bse/bse20_en.html/

Best I can say about BSE (and related diseases - scrapie, CJD etc) is that it appears to be caused by 'prions'. Prions are types of proteins that have the habit of generating more of their kind when placed in a conducive environment - to that extent they are a lot like viruses. Because, however, they contain no genetic material - neither DNA nor RNA (as viruses do) - it is difficult to classify them as infectious agents. Proteins, in any case, seem to do their job primarily through their shape - the way the amino acid chains are folded up - and it seems that prions merely happen to be proteins whose shape catalyses nearby amino acids to take on the same shape. This, as you can imagine, will trigger off a chain reaction of sorts within an amino acid rich area, thereby starving other cells/functions of the amino acids they require for their functioning. In time, the prions take over the area concerned. As we have seen - brains appear to be particularly vulnerable to these processes - hence the 'mad cow' aspect of the disease.

Since prions aren't viruses or bacteria, killing them, or 'sterilising' food material that contains them, is virtually impossible (I don't think any methods so far have eliminated prions whilst retaining the food - since the sibstances are virtually identical) - hence the danger of eating any prion-infected material.

This is an 'educated' collation on my part, having read a number of articles in the UK concerning the disease. Hope it helps.

On-topic - regarding confusion between human and computer viruses, you might wish to read Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash in which a type of computer virus affects humans. The whole Tower of Babel premise is suitably far-fetched, but the novel is great fun anyway (until the rather OTT ending).

cheer

the sunshine warrior

Assuming there are only two states of the prion, normal and rogue, a prion can be regarded as a gene that carries a single bit of information.

True - to a certain extent.

1. In most organisms (viruses included) genotype and phenotype are distinct. In prions, on the other hand, the phenotype is all you have.

2. It would be difficult to define the number of bits of information a prion contains. As you say, it could be considered merely an on-off type - a single bit of information, but that is surely only related to IT interpretations, and may have nothing to do with the way in which the prion works. I dunno - just being unnecessarily contentious, I guess...

cheer

the sunshine warrior

The prion-virus problem reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw a long time ago: "If you're not confused, you just don't understand the situation."

Snow Crash was my introduction to Neal Stephenson. It is a very visual novel and certainly a great read. Somehow I was so taken by the writing that I don't remember the ending (OTT? Oh! Over The Top). Well, I guess I like a little OTT now and then.

Assuming there are only two states of the prion, normal and rogue, a prion can be regarded as a gene that carries a single bit of information.

Okay, guys, give it up (the information). Prions: clear = ice 9. Norm/rogue=binary, clear--and what of it? genomes/phenomes, jimminy crickets, that's a long time ago. 50 words or less. :) and thanks.

IP

Oh, I loathe Outlook. As resident computer nerd (a geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens) of my community, I'm constantly warning people away from it... Of course I'm immediately forwarding it to all....

Thanks for the laugh!

and when they get to putting viruses in all those image files, we will be able to warn people: "Beware of Geeks bearing gifs!"

Rod Ward

Ok, all you Computer Gurus, Outlook Express was installed when I bought the computer.
So how, and should, I get rid of it?
What subsitute?
Will addresses book and all the saved stuff disappear?
Awaiting enlightment ...
wow

Take absolutely no notice of these Jeremiahs, wow! Outlook is no worse than most programs, and better than many. It is the de facto standard around the globe. Of course, when someone stands by the side of the road and sees 20 smashes, half of which involve Ford cars, they might think Fords are risky - but in proportion to the number being driven??

Nah - I have no time for the Micro$oft knockers. I remember the umpteen wasted days of my life in earlier times trying to get two programs to talk to each other on the same damn computer, let alone hundreds talking to each other all around the world. Like it or lump it, Micro$oft has played a key rôle in establishing standards.

That they are not bomb-proof standards is partly down to us: we all want things cheap, want them yesterday, want someone else to pay.

/rant (and I too laughed liek a drain at the original post)

The wise one asks: Outlook Express was installed when I bought the computer. So how, and should, I get rid of it?

I've pretty much always had it preinstalled and never ever used it. Doesn't seem to be a problem.

Regarding the name Microsoft, anybody ever wonder where it comes from? My guess is He took it from "Neuromancer" ( a wonderful novel, if you like that sort of thing.) A microsoft is a digital spike you insert in your head as a sort of a brain upgrade.

***
You can probably uninstall Outlook Express in "Remove Software" in the Control Panel. It's an optional install in Windows, so you can either not bother installing it to begin with or (back to the top).
Other mail clients are available. Eudora, for one. Someone mentioned Pegasus yesterday (which seems to come without a manual, unless you plunk down $40. And Netscape.

Easiest is don't open suspect attachments.

Easiest is don't open suspect attachments

... but best is run an effective virus cutter, and keep it updated weekly or monthly, since all programs can let through some viruses. And most of these nuisances can be eliminated without any hint of a problem unless people are plain lazy about it. /preach

As long as you follow the advice given to NEVER open any attachments without scanning them for viruses first, Outlook/Express is OK. A good practice to get into these days, with so many worms propagating themselves from Outlook/Express address books is to email the sender of an attachment, if the apparent sender someone you know, and confirm that they sent it to you intentionally, if they did not, it probably means that their address book has been compromised by a worm, like "I Love You" or "Anna Kournikova" . If it's from someone you don't know, don't open it. Outlook/Express is a security joke, it was never designed with security in mind, and its position as de facto standard is why so many viruses and worms are written to exploit its legion of security holes. A healthy dose of paranoia will ensure that using that bloated email client does not cause you too much grief.

Dear Friends,
Thank you all for the opinions on Outlook Express. Guess I'll just leave it alone and stay suspicious!
Many thanks,
wow

I've just spent a frustrating two days trying to use Lotus Goats -erp- Notes as an email program. Gimme Outlook any day. All God's chillun got problems, and so's Microsoft's. But some problems is worse dan others.

BTW Maxie, I know the guy who wrote Pegasus Mail. Worked with him for two years. Sorry, rather, I worked with his ego. Not knocking the guy's expertise, his marketing or even his program, but not for me, ta.

I know the guy who wrote Pegasus Mail. Worked with him for two years. Sorry, rather, I worked with his ego. Not knocking the guy's expertise, his marketing or even his program, but not for me, ta.

My condolences! It is easy to understand how an experience like that could put you off his work. I guess that I'm lucky to benefit from his work without ahving to suffer the ego that creates it. On a cheerier note, can you believe what the Black Caps did today?

Lotus Notes is much too heavyweight for just an e-mail program. But for integrated database/work-flow/task management/calendar/e-mail all together I think it fits for medium size companies upwards. You can probably find better tools to do each of the individual elements, but to do them all with one administration etc it's not bad. And there aren't that many viruses that attack Notes. I'll move the rest of this discussion offline as it is probably irrelevant to most listeners. <Nothing new there then!>


Rod Ward

On a cheerier note, can you believe what the Black Caps did today?

No, and frankly I don't believe it. Imagine sitting in an airport lounge and watching three Paki wickets fall, blip, blip, blip. Maybe all those allegations about match-fixing aren't just Indian paranoia after all!

And maybe Faldage could tell us how its done ...

Rod

Actually, I'd like to hear about it, and any other expertise you care to share. Instead of moving it off line, why not start a thread in Misc and moving it there? It would likely resurface from time to time. What do you say? Vorwaerts!

This is Binky, wishing you a pleasant from the rings of Saturn, signing off.

Oh dear. Can't you just savour a great Kiwi triumph, including Macmillan's world record? Or is it only with the All Blacks that you believe New Zealand can ever win anything?

cheer

the sunshine warrior

Outlook Express was installed when I bought the computer.
So how, and should, I get rid of it?
What subsitute?
Will addresses book and all the saved stuff disappear?

I've been using Netscape's mail. It's very simple, full-featured, and has yet to really screw me up. In my experience, it's better to leave both Outlook and Outlook Express installed, just ignore them....

You can probably export your Outlook addresses in a generic format (look under the File menu). Then import them into Netscape (File menu again). When you install Netscape, it might pick up your favorites from Outlook automatically.....

Shanks sniffs: Oh dear. Can't you just savour a great Kiwi triumph, including Macmillan's world record? Or is it only with the All Blacks that you believe New Zealand can ever win anything?

Irony is a difficult "emotion" to convey in writing, isn't it? As for Macmillan, if I were Stephen Fleming I'd have his guts for garters - they were playing test cricket, fer cryin' out loud, not the limited overs game!

Actually, I was much more impressed with the bowling than the batting - it's an area the Black Caps have had a rather bad time with of recent times! Consistent line and length - now there's a new departure.

Can't you just savour a great Kiwi triumph, including Macmillan's world record?

Ahemm, surely you mean world records? Most runs in an over in Test cricket, highest number of consecutive boundaries in Test cricket (7)

... and let's not forget the personal triumphs involved in maiden centuries by a pair of opening batsmen ...

I say, in fact, that we should have, oh, around 3 seconds' silence for the Pakistanis, I really do.

Of course, Ro* sounds like a shill for Notes-- but I am worse-- I love Notes-- for the past year, my job has been rolling out Notes to 1200 users, across 3 sites (NY, NJ, and PR) and providing 3rd level support and first level and second level training-- and it has been the cleanest roll out i have ever been part off-- we only experience a 2% increase in calls to the help desk during the first six months! (No, i can't take credit-- i am just part of the team)



CK--the problem with Notes is, its a DB system--not a standard file system-- but not as standard DB-- but it act much more like a standard DB than a file based system. Once you catch on to that, everything else procedes logically!

Helen,

You either love Notes or loathe it. I see it as the answer to a question no one has asked. You're making a living from it!

Nolo contendere ! [smile}